He just dumped me

[erwin1973]

It might sound very harsh, but he is telling you "yes I want you but I don't". He would have loved you if you were close, but he doesn't want you to close the distance? There's a lot of contradictions in his story, and - here's the harsh part - in my opinion you are better off looking for somebody who does love you and stays faithfull and sober.

Looks to me he's a player. If he didn't want to be in an LDR, he could have told you before the first visit, right? No, I think he's an outrage lyar or player. Let him go, because you'll never be happy with him.

[R&R]

For me, the big thing is, you never actually defined your relationship. Even you stated that he didn't really cheat as the two of you weren't in an exclusive, committed relationships. Just from what I've read, it sounds like a lot of assumptions about the relationship were made by the OP and the guy was going with the flow but as things werent discussed, he probably did think things were just fine as they were. It's a lesson learned in communication and stating what you feel instead of waiting for "that perfect time". Probably most of us have done that at least once.

As far as the drugs and alcohol, not an excuse for his behavior but does make sense why he didn't remember the conversation. Knowing he has those issues, probably not someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway.

It's time to let it go and move forward with your life. The relationship that you thought you wanted or thought existed, unfortunately, wasn't there and isn't going to happen. Take the time to get your head back on straight and move forward with you.

[Chris516]

I'm feeling so sad....

I had booked a flight to go visit him just three weeks ago. Everything had been going well. We had been talking every day since Feb. He video called me around May 1st, I finally told him I wanted to go visit in June, and asked if I could stay with him. He said sure and I said I'd look into flights that weekend. When I looked at flights the Monday night I checked with him to make sure the dates worked okay and he said they did.

Two weeks ago he started getting all quiet. I thought something was up, but I didn't ask thinking he was just busy with work or whatever.

This morning, he just messaged me saying "I'm seeing somebody now. You can't really stay in June. So sorry. I messed up."

I'm so hurt and confused. Why would he let me make plans to come visit him, book a flight and everything, and now this...?

He sounds very immature and irresponsible.

[AgentB]

For me, I have had friends - or people who I considered to be - that turned out to be (heavy) addicts on drugs and alcohol. I have a strong dislike for people who drink too much and / or use drugs. If my lady would be doing that, I would face her a choice: drugs or me. Simple. But of course, that is me and not you.

That fact that you doesn't really trust him any more tells me a lot and makes me wonder why you still want to see him, because obviously there are plenty of questionmarks in your head. So, if you go, make sure you have a back up plan, that if you're left alone, you have a bed to sleep in and food to eat. Just some good advice.

Hi @erwin1973,

Yes, I already have a backup. There's no way in hell I'd stay with him now. My friend there has offered I can stay at her place if I still want to go.

Still haven't fully decided whether I'm going on the flight on Sunday. It's stressing me out now. I can't get a refund on the plane ticket. I can change the flight dates, but the change fee is so high that it's almost not worth it. The decision seems to be either go and stay with my friend, or just don't go at all.

He offered to send me money. Because he knows this is his fault. But whether he actually comes through with that money or not is another story.

[AgentB]

Actually mystery not solved. This is just him spinning another yarn. Because, as you point out, you made sure to repeat your questions and ask him to check dates, and he was still on board. So unless his excuse is that he is constantly under the influence, I call bull on this whole explanation. Again he is making it sound like everything was your responsability, and he is even extending it to making sure that he is not under the influence at any given time (without the info that he had a drug problem).

I dont buy that he has this casual attitude towards you. Actually casual people dont act like this. They tell what they want and talk the talk and walk the walk. And even if they should fail to do so, they take responsability for their side of it (which he does not do, notice how he is shifting the blame to make everything your fault). He is not casual, he is deeply ambivalent and is trying to solve it by getting angry at you.

Honey, this guy's problem is not that you are not in the same city. Because he tells you he is upset that you consider moving to his city. This guy's problem is that he has not idea what he is doing, and keeps making a bigger mess.

Of course you still love him. The problem is that he is hurting you, and most likely on purpose. And if parts of what he says is true, he has some serious issues that you cant help him with.

Hi @differentcountries. I don't buy that he had/has a casual attitude towards me either. Maybe in the fall. But as of Jan/Feb, when I was there in person and we were together almost every day for 6 weeks, he was ANYTHING but casual towards me. He kind of threw himself at me, more than I expected he would. He wanted to get together almost every day. He spoiled me with a nice steak dinner on my birthday. I met his brother. I met both of his parents. I hung out with him and his friends again a couple times. He wanted to talk every day when I got back home to Toronto. It felt like we were getting closer. Until one month ago when he decided to pull all this shit.

And it feels like he's gone off the rails a bit the last month. He told me he hung out with some Mexican drug lord. Then he was high on speed and drunk the time I asked him if I could visit him in June. Then 5 days after I booked my flight he went out and got wasted and that's probably the night he hooked up with this new girl. Then he started going all quiet on me. Then the week later he told me he almost got into a fight at the bar, some guy was threatening him (and he messaged me to tell me about it).

None of that sounds like a guy who treats a relationship casually. To me it sounds like he realized that I really liked him, and just how much I liked him, and it freaked him the hell out. So he started acting out. "Casual" is more like indifference, when I've experienced it in the past from guys.

Part of me thinks he got angry at me when I left and went back home. Angry that I left him and couldn't stay there. And he told me that "The time we spent together in winter was awesome. It meant more to me than you know. After you left I was really sad."

Last week, he started to cry on video chat when I told him I had been in love with him. And he also sad "I was surprised by the extent of your feelings for me. I was sad before, now I'm really sad."

None of this seems like "indifference" or someone who felt/feels casually about me.

Then again maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he legit doesn't give a shit about me right now. Maybe he legit is in love with this new girl and that's why he's pushing me away. Maybe he saw how much I liked him and enjoyed it a lot too and only ever DID think of me casually, and didn't want to put in the work for a long distance relationship. This is what he tells me, but I don't fully buy it.

"He is not casual, he is deeply ambivalent and is trying to solve it by getting angry at you" feels more right to me.

Maybe it's all of the above. Who knows.

[AgentB]

For me, the big thing is, you never actually defined your relationship. Even you stated that he didn't really cheat as the two of you weren't in an exclusive, committed relationships. Just from what I've read, it sounds like a lot of assumptions about the relationship were made by the OP and the guy was going with the flow but as things werent discussed, he probably did think things were just fine as they were. It's a lesson learned in communication and stating what you feel instead of waiting for "that perfect time". Probably most of us have done that at least once.

As far as the drugs and alcohol, not an excuse for his behavior but does make sense why he didn't remember the conversation. Knowing he has those issues, probably not someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway.

It's time to let it go and move forward with your life. The relationship that you thought you wanted or thought existed, unfortunately, wasn't there and isn't going to happen. Take the time to get your head back on straight and move forward with you.

Hi @R&R,

Yes, I could have been clearer with him sooner that I wanted something serious, and was willing to work with the distance.

However I was a HELL of a lot clearer than he ever was. I was clear about wanting to continue the relationship by the end of Feb when I invited him to my city and when I said I wanted to go back to see him this summer. He said he liked the idea of both those things as well, he never brought up any misgivings.

He told me the other day, after I admitted that I had been in love with him and was willing to think about moving for him, had he known that sooner he probably would have said no and "that would have been too big of a step for me." So honestly even if I'd told him all that sooner (I didn't because I felt it was too soon, and out of fear. Keep in mind we only REALLY started "dating" and getting to know each other well in Jan/Feb when I was there in person, so the relationship was pretty new still. I planned to have the "what are we?" talk but it felt too soon.) The only difference would have maybe been us ending things sooner. But who knows. I think a big part of him did want to continue but was ambivalent, and not making up his mind, as @differentcountries said

It doesn't excuse his hurtful choices though in drawing things out this long. He had PLENTY of opportunities between Feb and now to have said "clearly this girl likes me enough to wanna come back and want me to go there, but I don't think we're on the same page and I should tell her now." And he knows that and has admitted that's his mistake. Because instead of saying that, he instead gave me completely different signals that he wanted to continue as we were.

[AgentB]

He sounds very immature and irresponsible.

@Chris516 Yup :-(