Want to be together - but it'll be hard and I feel guilty :(

[chrelnka]

So my SO is from the UK and i'm in the US (I actually am from the UK too but we've decided i'm not going back there so he said he will come here)
We have been together almost a year and a half but known each other nearly 2; we've developed a 5 year plan, so in 5 years we hope to be together permanently and get married. Right now the idea is to get engaged in 5 years and have a fiance visa.

That being said, he just got an incredible job over there, it's so perfect for him and he is so happy. But, he also loves me so much theres no way he'd ever give me up as we have already discussed this. I have seriously asked him if he thinks he could move and he says he doesn't know, it worries him leaving such a great job to come over to nothing, or potentially get a job he hates; he hopes he will be able to do it and that he "may not love his job in 5 years, that we shouldnt worry about the "what ifs" and focus on now because anything could happen in the future we can't predict". (I also fear because his parents are older that one will pass away and in 4 years time he wont want to leave the other on their own) there have been a few times I've said "We need to talk" and he thought it was something serious and would respond "oh god please dont leave me". Neither of us can physically leave each other based on my concern here.

We dont want anybody else, we are both very old fashioned and have the same views, we know we are perfect for each other and meant to be, but I worry what it'll be like in 5(actually 4 years now) years and if he will be able to make the move. He is very close to his mother and he has such a good job (he lives at home so he has no other ties there mind you)

I'm just afraid as i'm 23 and I love him more every day, what if in 4-5 years he makes the move and is miserable in a job here, or he doesnt move (I actually dont believe he wouldnt do it, I think he will when the time comes) and we are both more heartbroken because of it. Am I worrying too much too soon?

Thanks everyone <3

[erwin1973]

Being in an LDR is hard, but please try to not overthink. In every relationship there are 'ifs' and 'buts', you never know what happens. But if you both want to try to stick to the plan, and are committed to it, then enjoy the plans and make it work. If there's a will, there's a way, as my good old mother always says. Stick to the plan, enjoy the here and now and enjoy the planning. Bad thoughts only make you feel sour and may be even drive you away from him because you got scared. Try it. Good luck.

[80anthea]

It's great having plans but don't overplan as you never know what is round the corner and you'll drive yourself crazy thinking of all the possible outcomes. Also, make sure you're enjoying the now and not just waiting for 5 years to happen as life is too short for wasting years like that.

[chrelnka]

Thank you both, I appreciate it. We both had a really long skype call today about it, we were both crying and heartbroken afraid of losing each other. He genuinely doesnt know what to do, he loves me but he is so afraid to leave his dream job and come over to me to nothing, to leave his family (especially his mother) and it's so difficult. I feel like I should let him go, be cruel to be kind, but I just cant, I want him in my life and I dont know how I'd get over it, always living my life wondering "what if it did work out?" he mentioned maybe getting into freelancing, that's almost our only positive hope right now.

[khayds]

Seems to me he has a lot on his plate. To have a happy and successful LDR is hard but not impossible to achieve. There will be a lot of sacrifices you both have to take. With the time difference and your individual responsibilities,you have to weigh things and put everything into perspective and prioritize whats need to be done first.
It is good you have plan ahead,just remember nothing is constant in this world except change.life will throw you lots of surprises along the way. learn to adapt and trust if you really want your relationship to work. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made- on your part or his. If you really want this to work out you will find a way.
Just remember to be happy and let each other grow as an individual. Bring out the best in each other.
Hope this helps.

[TaraMarie]

So my SO is from the UK and i'm in the US (I actually am from the UK too but we've decided i'm not going back there so he said he will come here)
We have been together almost a year and a half but known each other nearly 2; we've developed a 5 year plan, so in 5 years we hope to be together permanently and get married. Right now the idea is to get engaged in 5 years and have a fiance visa.

That being said, he just got an incredible job over there, it's so perfect for him and he is so happy. But, he also loves me so much theres no way he'd ever give me up as we have already discussed this. I have seriously asked him if he thinks he could move and he says he doesn't know, it worries him leaving such a great job to come over to nothing, or potentially get a job he hates; he hopes he will be able to do it and that he "may not love his job in 5 years, that we shouldnt worry about the "what ifs" and focus on now because anything could happen in the future we can't predict". (I also fear because his parents are older that one will pass away and in 4 years time he wont want to leave the other on their own) there have been a few times I've said "We need to talk" and he thought it was something serious and would respond "oh god please dont leave me". Neither of us can physically leave each other based on my concern here.

We dont want anybody else, we are both very old fashioned and have the same views, we know we are perfect for each other and meant to be, but I worry what it'll be like in 5(actually 4 years now) years and if he will be able to make the move. He is very close to his mother and he has such a good job (he lives at home so he has no other ties there mind you)

I'm just afraid as i'm 23 and I love him more every day, what if in 4-5 years he makes the move and is miserable in a job here, or he doesnt move (I actually dont believe he wouldnt do it, I think he will when the time comes) and we are both more heartbroken because of it. Am I worrying too much too soon?

Thanks everyone <3

I am in the EXACT same situation. My husband is in NY. WE GREW UP IN THE SAME TOWN, BUT I DINT EVER WANT TO MOVE BACK THERE. He has his DREAM job, makes a TON of money, and rented out his house and stays with his widowed mom during the week, but flys home on Friday and back to NY ON MONDAY. HE IS actively trying to get here, but can't get s transfer and he makes too much money to start over again with another company....and I don't want him to leave the job of his dreams. For now, we are status quo. My middle child is starting her senior year of HS, my youngest is stsrting his freshman year. My ex husband has cancer, and my 27 ur old daughter lives 30 min away. I can't move to NY. HE CANT find a job here....... So, technically he is living with me, and working in NY UNTIL I don't know when. In four years I may relent and move to NY, BUT WHO KNOWS!?!?! Anything can happen between now and then.


Good luck to you.