Trying to figure out how to make it work

[FrustratedandConfused]

Hi,

I'm FrustratedandConfused, chosen because that's just how I feel right now.

I'm in a strange sort of situation and I don't know if anyone can help me but I don't know where else to turn.

First of all, some basics: I'm 26 and currently in India. She's 34, lives and works in the UK. We met online and started chatting almost 2 years ago and we've been inseperable ever since. We can't go a couple of days without talking. After about a year we came out about how we feel and it was mutual. For a while, it was amazing and we were all lovey-dovey with each other but then she decided it'll be too hard to work it out and said we should just be friends. Ever since then we've been oscillating between trying to stay platonic and flirting and slipping back into the kind of intimacy we used to have.

When we started talking, I was planning on moving back to the US for work but those plans have kind of fallen through so it might not happen so I've been thinking about trying in the UK to be closer to her.

Here's the real kicker: We've never directly talked to each other. We've shared some pictures and chat (mostly on snapchat) all the time but she claims she's too shy and gets too nervous to talk face-to-face. I've tried every way I can to make her comfortable with it and convince her in some way so it can feel like we're closer but she absolutely refuses to budge. Yet when I say it can't work like this, give up and try to leave she tells me about how much she cares and doesn't want me to go away. But something as simple as Skyping or just sending each other selfies is where she draws the line. A couple of weeks ago, I was so frustrated I gave up and told her it couldn't work but couldn't get her out of my head at all. We spoke again yesterday and it was a tearful reunion, of sorts, until I brought up wanting to talk face-to-face and it went back to the same thing again. We've gone back and forth on this so many times but in the end it's always the same. She refuses to cross this line and I end up frustrated and confused. If she really cares so much, is this really such a big ask?

According to her, part of the reason is the distance and how impossible it seems. Part of it is that she thinks she's too old for me. Neither is a problem for me and since I'm in the unique situation of being able to move right now, the former is even less of an issue. I'm willing to work on all of it if she'd just be willing to talk but it's a roadblock she won't cross.

It's been two years and she's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last before I go to bed. I just want to know what to do.

PS - Yes, it's very possible this is just some catfishing thing (very dedicated to keep it up for 2 years) or maybe I'm just being paranoid and she's just exceptionally shy but if I don't know what to do either way.

[kannagibhooshan]

Truely confusing , hope we find out the solution from other members here .
Good luck

[differentcountries]

If she never wants to Skype or show films of herself, I would assume that she either has strong anxiety (much more than just being shy) or she is not really who she says she is on the pics. For sure, she is hiding something. Assuming she has a smart phone; her not wanting to even send you selfies would make me think maybe the pics you already have, are not really of her.

[R&R]

2 years and never a face to face chat? That would be a deal-breaker for me. When my ex-husband and I first started talking, he didn't have a video camera (only had a PC and no such thing as smartphones like we have now back then). I told him I wanted to video-chat and he had a video camera in the next few days.

I understand people can have anxiety or get stressed out but I find the concept, in today's technological age, difficult to comprehend. Some people have to videochat for school or work. People see you every day when you walk down the street, are in the store, driving along, at work, at the mall. Why is it so hard to get on video with the one that you are in a relationship with? My younger daughter (21) deals with some anxiety issues but she will go out of her comfort zone with new activities or events with her SO because it's important to her to not let the anxiety stop her.

I agree with DC on this one - somethings fishy about they whole thing.

[Moon]

I agree with dc and R&R, you have to have a face-to-face chat, it's way past time. After two years, she should be more than comfortable enough to do this, anxiety or not. If she is who she claims to be, at this point, she's got to understand the importance of this, your relationship can't progress without it, there's no excuse, really. I am sorry, but something isn't right here, I hate to say it and I'm not big on them, but it could be time to consider an ultimatum. You need to know that you're in a legitimate relationship with the person you think you're in it with. Your situation would be a deal breaker for me, also.

[FrustratedandConfused]

If she never wants to Skype or show films of herself, I would assume that she either has strong anxiety (much more than just being shy) or she is not really who she says she is on the pics. For sure, she is hiding something. Assuming she has a smart phone; her not wanting to even send you selfies would make me think maybe the pics you already have, are not really of her.

2 years and never a face to face chat? That would be a deal-breaker for me. When my ex-husband and I first started talking, he didn't have a video camera (only had a PC and no such thing as smartphones like we have now back then). I told him I wanted to video-chat and he had a video camera in the next few days.

I understand people can have anxiety or get stressed out but I find the concept, in today's technological age, difficult to comprehend. Some people have to videochat for school or work. People see you every day when you walk down the street, are in the store, driving along, at work, at the mall. Why is it so hard to get on video with the one that you are in a relationship with? My younger daughter (21) deals with some anxiety issues but she will go out of her comfort zone with new activities or events with her SO because it's important to her to not let the anxiety stop her.

I agree with DC on this one - somethings fishy about they whole thing.

I agree with dc and R&R, you have to have a face-to-face chat, it's way past time. After two years, she should be more than comfortable enough to do this, anxiety or not. If she is who she claims to be, at this point, she's got to understand the importance of this, your relationship can't progress without it, there's no excuse, really. I am sorry, but something isn't right here, I hate to say it and I'm not big on them, but it could be time to consider an ultimatum. You need to know that you're in a legitimate relationship with the person you think you're in it with. Your situation would be a deal breaker for me, also.

Thanks guys.

I have considered anxiety an issue and tried to accomodate it any way I can but she's absolutely adamant. I've tried ultimatums and told her it can't work like this and she said she was saddened by it but still wouldn't change her mind. Two weeks ago I finally cracked and told her it felt like she was lying and maybe she wasn't who she said she was. It just served to offend her because I'd accused her of lying yet no compromise. I told her how it felt like she didn't care about what I want but she just brought up how I was the one who didn't care that it would make her uncomfortable.

No matter what I do, I just can't show her how important this is for me.

I hate this and have no idea what to do. I don't want to give up on her but at this point I don't see any other options.

[erwin1973]

Mmm, she's turning around the issue, is it? Blaming you for her behaviour... Sounds all to familiar to me.

It may sound harsh, but I think you're better off without her. I agree with Moon, R&R and DC. Something is absolutely not right.

[snow]

Ultimatums have no bearing if you don't follow through. I understand you love her, but if you tell her that this relationship is not going to work unless you can see each other face to face and then you go back to just text, it shows her that she can do what she wants and there are no consequences.

I think you need to let her know that this is something she needs to do or it's going to be over. My husband is 8 years older than me and I have anxiety, but in order for us to move on from being text / talk buddies, we needed to make sure that the person we talked to was who we said we were and we both got webcams within a week.

She seems insincere and for someone who is 30-something, very immature. If she wants to be with you, she needs to respect that you need to know she is the real deal or you have to get out.

[R&R]

Thanks guys.

I have considered anxiety an issue and tried to accomodate it any way I can but she's absolutely adamant. I've tried ultimatums and told her it can't work like this and she said she was saddened by it but still wouldn't change her mind. Two weeks ago I finally cracked and told her it felt like she was lying and maybe she wasn't who she said she was. It just served to offend her because I'd accused her of lying yet no compromise. I told her how it felt like she didn't care about what I want but she just brought up how I was the one who didn't care that it would make her uncomfortable.

No matter what I do, I just can't show her how important this is for me.

I hate this and have no idea what to do. I don't want to give up on her but at this point I don't see any other options.

You've told her that this is important to you (and it should be) and she still says no. You're not asking her to do something immoral or illegal -simply to video chat. By saying no with no valid reason other than she doesn't want to, then she is saying to you "what's important to you doesn't matter. This is about my wants, my needs, my desires and I have control". Again, doesn't work for me.

We've all told you and I think you know what to do. But if you break it off, then you need to remove her and block her from everything. Yes, it may be hard and you will be sad and miss her at first - but a relationship takes two people to put in the effort together to make it work and this isn't happening. In the long run, when you are in a healthy relationship, you'll look back on this and wonder what took you so long.

[Moon]

An ultimatum isn't an ultimatum unless you actually follow through with it. You could always say you will not speak with her anymore, until it's face to face, or at least a phone call, then STICK WITH IT. There's a good chance it'll be your last conversation, but that means she really wasn't who she claimed to be. If she's legitimate and genuinely has feelings for you, then she should come around. I think you know there isn't much more you can do, and if you don't get that call, or face to face, R&R is right, you'll need to remove her from everything and out of your life. Be strong, this is something that's long past due, and you shouldn't settle for any less. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

For some reason she does not want to or is scared to show herself. Maybe she is conning you, maybe she has mental issues she has not shared, maybe she is ashamed because something happened and she does not look like her pictures any more. Maybe she does not own a cam or smart phone because she is poor. Maybe she likes to be in control by denying you something you very much want. The possabilities are endless.

Whatever the reason, she is hiding something from you and not hearing your pleas. There can be no relationship without honesty and caring actions. Noone is this shy without there being something fishy.

I am sure she has been nice to you so far but you have got to draw a line. Either she fesses up and finds a way to go live with you, or you can say thank you for whatever good things she brought, and move on with your life without her.