Please help-- getting desperate!

[WaitingItOut]

Hello to all, I am a newbie to this site-- so glad I found it!

I need some help. I am getting soooo depressed and confused and losing hope.

My SO is in Melbourne, Australia. I am in the USA Midwest. We are a gay male couple in our early 50's. We met online and have been inseparable for the last two years. We have met twice now, for a total of 7 weeks. All was great. We are very much in love.

The problem is that this long distance thing is getting very hard to deal with. We want to live together and have a real life.

Australia does not recognize same-sex marriages. USA does. I own a home, he does not-- he rents a (very expensive) flat in Melbourne. One of us will have to make a HUGE move. It is so scary to think about! Iam a self-employed hairdresser and he works a job in management that doesn't require a specific degree. Bear in mind that we are both in our early 50's. What are we going to do?

The logical thing would be for him to quit his job and move into my house. I don't make a lot of money, but I think I could support the both of us. For me to move to Oz seems daunting and I really do not want to have to sell my home and move into a small flat. Also, we both are only children and have aging parents. Do we get married?... and what if after the "big move" one of us is unhappy? Between our job schedules it is difficuly to have a long visiting time together.

So much seems against us. I have checked on Visa Journey, but it seems most of these folks are young-- and have at least one specialized career between the two of them. We do not.

We do not have an "end" date in sight. This makes me lose hope. My SO is okay with this, but I am not. I don't want this kind of long distance relationship forever. I get tired of talking to my computer screen! And there is a 14 hour time difference.

I am hoping for some real life responses-- not just "oh, it will all work out, just have faith". My SO and I don't really have a lot of time to waste--

Any suggestions will be very much appreciated. Thank you in advance!

[differentcountries]

Hi, you are right. International relationships are not easy. Money is always an issue, as well as keeping in touch with the people left behind if one party makes a move.

With us, I have the highest education, I also own a flat. We both have big families, but he does not live close to his (nor does he want to). It makes more sense for him to move here to live with me, but then I have to proceed getting divorced and also get a full time steady job. It is definetely going to take time

We have had many visits, some of them 1 month long, to make sure we get to know each other and the country. We both try to learn the other's language. We has only visited me once, so getting him to come here again is a priority of mine. He does not have that much vacation time in his job so that is an issue, but I am hoping he can come here at least two weeks. I would like him to meet my parents and all before we marry.

I dont really feel I have time to waste either... Especially being in my 30s and wanting a kid. I try to focus on daily life and the little things I CAN do to prepare for a future move. I know a lot of people in long distance relationships that made a move, so that makes a bit of a difference, perhaps. I also know some of the moves did not work out. I think preperation is the key. We have talked a lot about the future. We want to buy a summer home in his country, if we do we can also rent it out when we are not there and make some money that way.

I am sometimes frustrated, but I cant give up. He is such a wonderful man and I am grateful every day that he chooses to be with me, even with the distance and difficulties. He is very romantic so I think in part he thinks us fighting for us is romantic...but there is a limit for everything, of course. We dont have a set limit, but I am hoping that in 2 years time, we have started the process. That means that right now I am focusing on getting a job that will make me earn enough for him to come here, and that will give us financial freedom to keep visiting his country so he (and I!) do not feel "stuck" here after he moves.

Best of luck for the two of you

[WaitingItOut]

Thank you

Hi, you are right. International relationships are not easy. Money is always an issue, as well as keeping in touch with the people left behind if one party makes a move.

With us, I have the highest education, I also own a flat. We both have big families, but he does not live close to his (nor does he want to). It makes more sense for him to move here to live with me, but then I have to proceed getting divorced and also get a full time steady job. It is definetely going to take time

We have had many visits, some of them 1 month long, to make sure we get to know each other and the country. We both try to learn the other's language. We has only visited me once, so getting him to come here again is a priority of mine. He does not have that much vacation time in his job so that is an issue, but I am hoping he can come here at least two weeks. I would like him to meet my parents and all before we marry.

I dont really feel I have time to waste either... Especially being in my 30s and wanting a kid. I try to focus on daily life and the little things I CAN do to prepare for a future move. I know a lot of people in long distance relationships that made a move, so that makes a bit of a difference, perhaps. I also know some of the moves did not work out. I think preperation is the key. We have talked a lot about the future. We want to buy a summer home in his country, if we do we can also rent it out when we are not there and make some money that way.

I am sometimes frustrated, but I cant give up. He is such a wonderful man and I am grateful every day that he chooses to be with me, even with the distance and difficulties. He is very romantic so I think in part he thinks us fighting for us is romantic...but there is a limit for everything, of course. We dont have a set limit, but I am hoping that in 2 years time, we have started the process. That means that right now I am focusing on getting a job that will make me earn enough for him to come here, and that will give us financial freedom to keep visiting his country so he (and I!) do not feel "stuck" here after he moves.

Best of luck for the two of you

Thank You for your reply. I will keep holding on, but it seems to get a bit harder every day

[Honour]

We've been doing internationally for over 2 years. It never gets any easier, heck we're still trying to meet for the first time and there's a small chance he can come here in August. Work commitments suck! Life problems suck! You either hold on or let go, no other choice. I've been faced with this a lot more than I'd like the last few weeks but I know what the alternative would be. It's the only thing that's kept me going.

[WaitingItOut]

Thank you for your reply. I sometimes wonder if "holding out" is emotionally easier than letting go-- and that keeps us stuck in this mess. Letting go is hard, oh so hard- even in a regular not-long-distance relationship. But letting go when you've only spent a limited time with someone who you believe you are in love with?? Well, that is extremely difficult-- the "what if's" could plaugue someone for the rest of his/her life. This is my main concern.

The time I spend now, just waiting and waiting, could be spent looking for a partner locally, or at least within a few hours driving distance. BUT I truly love my SO...

Such a complicated issue-- so emotional. And I think the outcome is a testament to our own emotional state-- strong people might be able to let go a bit easier... or they might hang on with more persistence. A weaker person might let go for fear of being hurt, yet might hang on for co-dependent reasons of not wanting to be alone.

At any rate, those of us in international relationships face particular hardships. Visas. Major moves across continents. Massive time zone differences. Lack of time to spend quality one-on-one time together. Skype-- as one of the only forms of visual communication.

The potential guilt if one of us makes the big move and a year or two later decide that we are unhappy and not suited for each other-- then what? Someone has given up his/her entire life to be with us, and it doesn't work out? That would be horrible.

I'm just a mess right now. I'm so sorry for my rambling on and on

We've been doing internationally for over 2 years. It never gets any easier, heck we're still trying to meet for the first time and there's a small chance he can come here in August. Work commitments suck! Life problems suck! You either hold on or let go, no other choice. I've been faced with this a lot more than I'd like the last few weeks but I know what the alternative would be. It's the only thing that's kept me going.

[snow]

Neither my husband nor I have specialized careers and we applied for a K-1 visa - been married 2 years and some change now. Yes, we are younger, but I doubt that that matters. All that they really cared about was that we paid the money, we spoke a common language and he was able to support me when I moved here. If you want to go the K-1 route (fiance visa) you will have to see if you make enough money for the two of you - 20.300$ a year!

In your situation, it seems painfully obvious that he should move to the US. At 50 having to start over in a different country, a different continent even must be very difficult, but if he has a lot of experience in his field of work, he might not even have a hard time finding a job. For me, experience helped me land a job not my almost-finished degree.

All in all, I think he should come visit your place, see how he likes living there and then you need to make a decision if you want to start the marriage visa process.

[WaitingItOut]

Thank you for your reply, I am very grateful. I read on Visa Journey that Australia has very strict rules on immigration. So, yes, it does make sense for my SO to come to the USA. But we have hardly had a chance to spend time together. & weeks total in over two years-- the rest has been on the phone or Skype. We did hit it off great when visiting in person, but we both don't have great past relationship histories--in fact, he cheated on his SO to be with me. So, yes, there is some doubt there. It's all very confusing. And I admit, at times rather depressing. I'm in love but I feel conflicted.

If he makes the big move to come to the USA I hope he likes it here. I am in the Midwest and we have wickedly horrible winters. Like some days it does not get above 8 degrees farenheit. That's a far cry from Melbourne weather, even at it's worst. Snow and ice and bundling up just to go outside for a few minutes.

I try to be optomistic, but the realities of our situation hit me right smack on the forehead. Don't know what to do.

Neither my husband nor I have specialized careers and we applied for a K-1 visa - been married 2 years and some change now. Yes, we are younger, but I doubt that that matters. All that they really cared about was that we paid the money, we spoke a common language and he was able to support me when I moved here. If you want to go the K-1 route (fiance visa) you will have to see if you make enough money for the two of you - 20.300$ a year!

In your situation, it seems painfully obvious that he should move to the US. At 50 having to start over in a different country, a different continent even must be very difficult, but if he has a lot of experience in his field of work, he might not even have a hard time finding a job. For me, experience helped me land a job not my almost-finished degree.

All in all, I think he should come visit your place, see how he likes living there and then you need to make a decision if you want to start the marriage visa process.