Am I moving too fast?

[Flautist2000]

So, basic background, I started talking with this person (let's say B from now on) while I was dealing with a nasty relationship (involving kids). We were both in an online group and happened to have a lot in common. I had no clue who, or where, B was, or that there was even a possibility of interest. Just a few emails exchanged that got a bit personal, but nothing much.

Fast forward 3 months. I'm still dealing with relationship, but now it's a breakup. And I'm realizing I'm crushing on B. I say "woah, put on the brakes" because I know me, and I didn't want to rush toward someone giving me attention when I'm at my most vulnerable. B totally respects that. We cut back on some of the personal subjects, and focus more on the group discussions (which is why we started talking in the first place).

Fast forward another 2 months, I've got the new-ex moved out, but I'm still dealing with the legalities. B is awesome, we're talking every night, sometimes text, sometimes on the phone, but never anything untoward. I can't deny I still have feelings, but I only tell my sister. B tells me about an upcoming trip where we'll be in the same vicinity, and we agree to hang out.

Fast forward another 5 months. We hang out. Talking for 8 hours. Nothing more physical than a hug, but *God* I wanted more. I'm not good at this. I'd chickened out. Eventually, we both admitted (via text) that we both chickened out, but it'll be 2 more months until we can see each other again. But yeah, we want to act on this "crush."

But it's been mostly me bringing this stuff up. I sent the first email saying I was developing feelings and needed to cut back. I sent the awkward text saying I wanted to act on this. I don't know exactly where B stands in terms of where this might go, and I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask. Like, it's only been 2 weeks since we agreed to "act", and we've been openly flirting now which is great, but I'm not sure if this is a fling (I'm taking a vacation in B's town, and we'll certainly be taking advantage of the time together ), or if B wants more. I understand either way--we live VERY far apart (5 time zones). A LDR would be very difficult, but not impossible. We both have decent jobs and could probably swing 3, maybe 4 visits a year. I wouldn't turn down a fling, but I feel like I need to know before I get too invested. I really, really like B. It's been a very, very long time since I've felt this way. But i also wonder if it's too clingy/awkward/insecure to ask these things before we've spent much time together. If we hadn't spent the past 6 months talking nightly, this would easily be "way too soon." If we'd spent the last 6 months talking in person, it'd be just as easy to say "um yes, ask idiot."

The last time I did this was over 15 years ago, when I was a teenager myself. I feel like an overly obsessed teen, and I don't want to screw this up if B does want more. I'm still dealing with lawyers, and won't have things cleared up legally for probably another 6-12 months, but emotionally, I was done years ago. That's not a problem.

I know there's no right answer, but opinions and thoughts are good... discussion... thanks.

[erwin1973]

Reading your post, I get the impression you're the father of the children involved. That makes it difficult.
I have been devorced for almost three years now and I have a - now 9 year old - son with my ex. It's going from bad to worse between her and me and I didn't see him for 5 weeks now, even though we live in the same city.
I have been dating my lady - who lives 6 / 7 timeszones away - for exactly a year now.
And me too, I am still in the legal act (better: again in the legal act) about my son. My lady knows and accepts it, asks me about it, gives me mental help. It's just how she (?) is open for it, in your case.
Again, I am assuming you're a man, but I can be wrong.
I, too, feel like a teenager and mind that I am a fair bit older than you are. I know what you mean in your post. Though I don't have any advice.
The only adice I have is to talk openly about your feelings towards B, and about the legal struggle you're facing. Don't nag about it, but be open. That is all I can advice you. And stay strong! I know it is hard and not fair.

[Flautist2000]

I'm the custodial mom, so that's the relationship with the child, and I haven't even gotten to finish the divorce papers with my lawyer (I had originally agreed to a separation with my ex so he could stay on my health insurance, but he's been a royal asshole, so I'm done being nice, I'm just going to be firm and fair).

B is aware of the situation, and is supportive (always has been, even before any attraction). But B is also somewhat older, more experienced in a lot of things, generally better off financially (just with different struggles), and I don't want to seem "clingy" or that I'm overly rushing to define things. I've been told by others that sometimes I'm "too much" or my insecurities are "annoying." I feel like most of the time, that would never be a problem with B, but then I think about WHAT exactly we talk about...I'm MUCH more of an open book. I don't get too much in the way of feelings/serious stuff talk from B, whereas I'll spill anything and everything, at this point. I'm just afraid it's silly to ask now, because really, we won't see each other for another 2 months. I'm trying to tell myself I can hold on for 2 freaking months, and just let it all go and just enjoy it for what it is (fun flirting) right now.

But my brain won't shut off. I can't help but wonder if this might be something that lasts longer than 2 weeks. And then I get all anxious again.

Ugh! This is crazy-making.

[erwin1973]

Sorry that I misunderstood.
I'm still somewhat in the same situation. As I said, it's going from bad to worse, so that is something you might recognize.
In the relationship I have with Eve, I am the talker and she is the listener. But some well placed and direct questions make her talk. It's just a matter of finding out how to do that. Still, I have to ask her, while she just lets me talk. I talk easily, and me too, I am clingy, love lots of physical contact and tend to move too fast. So I really understand what you're going through.
I understand you have met already twice, and I am happy for you.
We are nevermets, but we declared our love digital. Since you have met already, I personally don't so a problem with that, because you have already spend time together. Although I can understand it's nicer to do face to face.
May be you can work towards it, digitally, and then when you meet declare your real feelings. Then first he might not be too surprised and second may be well aware of his own feelings.
Again, just my thoughts. Others might think differently (they usually do. )

[autumn1790]

With all the "fast forward"s I'm struggling to understand the time frame, but I'm getting that you've known B for approximately 10 months? That doesn't seem to be too fast to me. I read the title and immediately thought someone was thinking of marriage after 3 days in the relationship (those posts pop up once in awhile it seems). The only thing that concerns me is that sometimes having a relationship during a divorce procedure may throw a wrench in the works. Plus, it can be emotionally challenging to the child (ren). If it worked out, how would you guys be able to have a future in person, since many courts don't really let you move away from the father? (I know that's probably something to worry about tomorrow, but still.) These, to me, are more pressing concerns than wanting to act on an 8-month-old crush. Not a lot of close distance people wait ten months to act on their attraction.

[Flautist2000]

Yes, 10ish months since we've known each other, so when we see each other next, it'll be almost a year.

And yes, the long-term issues are the scariest right now (and also causing occasional late-night panic attacks...like, what if this does work? What happens when those 5 time zones get too frustrating and we want to close the distance? There's no question that B cannot move, and I would never ask that. I would MUCH prefer to live there, but yeah...even though my ex is a shitty parent, and generally ignores his children to do whatever he wants, it's going to be one hell of a fight, and what happens if he wins? I'm seriously sick thinking about it, but then I get sick thinking about calling it quits after this trip abroad in 2 months, because what if it all works out? Do I kill that dream just because I'm scared I'll be heartbroken later?).

I have not mentioned *my* dating to the children, though my ex is practically living with his new girlfriend and her two kids, less than 6 months after moving out of my house. DD seems to be handling that well, and his son (from marriage #1, and whose mother I hang out with and talk to regularly) less so. I think DD will be just fine with me seeing someone else--she knows life was awful with daddy living here. Especially if it's a gradual shift. One good thing about LDR is that my daughter is first and foremost, and she knows it, and has time to get used to the idea.

And, this thread is pretty much now unnecessary, lol. Idk, maybe B is on this board (if so...no fair), but in our chat tonight, we unawkwardly discussed future visits, and rationing vacation time for said visits, in spring and fall. And how it's all well and good to plan my visits there, but we should discuss B's traveling as well (owning a business and having a very intense regular job with long hours means travel time is limited). So...yeah. Not just a fling in either of our minds. Logistics be damned.

[C.C.]

I think you are overthinking too much.

There are many worries in your circumstances but just try to enjoy what you have now and relax as much as you can, things will fall into their own place as the time passes.

what if this does work? What happens when those 5 time zones get too frustrating and we want to close the distance? There's no question that B cannot move, and I would never ask that. I would MUCH prefer to live there, but yeah...even though my ex is a shitty parent, and generally ignores his children to do whatever he wants, it's going to be one hell of a fight, and what happens if he wins? I'm seriously sick thinking about it, but then I get sick thinking about calling it quits after this trip abroad in 2 months, because what if it all works out? Do I kill that dream just because I'm scared I'll be heartbroken later?

All of these are legitimate fears, yes. But the only thing dwelling on them right now and with that extent will achieve is driving you insane, because these aren't the questions you can just solve by thinking about them and considering lots of different case scenarios that might not even happen in the first place. You are not rushing, imo, but these kind of worrying seems unhealthy and will affect you the most, if anything. Best of luck with the trip, by the way :3 Keep us updated~

[Flautist2000]

I overthink. A lot. So does B, apparently. But I guess it's a good thing that I haven't dumped all my overthinking into an email or anything! *Deep breath*

I try to tell myself all of that. My brain knows these things. It's just hard, in practice!

I guess it only feels like rushing because the breakup wasn't a clean break, and I'm still technically in the process of finishing it. But with legalities, that process could take a very long time... So... Yeah. I promised myself I'd stay single for 6 months this time (I had marriage #1, then this new ex really sucked me in within 2 months and I was pregnant before I even served divorce papers... Which is why I'm paranoid I'm screwing this up, cuz wow, I was crazy fast last time). Funnily enough, B and I met in person exactly 6 months after I told my ex there was no fixing anything. It wasn't 6 months from the time he moved out (which was my original thought) but it felt right.

And thanks, this trip is going to be amazing. We have lots of stuff planned, but also lots of unplanned time and a huge list of "if we get to do this, that'd be cool" stuff to pick from. Frankly, I'm good with snuggling on the couch and skipping a museum some days.

[erwin1973]

As i said, I've been devorced for 3 years and still in legal actions and everything. If you wait for that to be solved, you can wait may be forever. You have to move on with your life, how hard it may seem.

Whenever you find yourself starting to overthink, go do something that needs your attention, anything. Divert your thoughts. Overthinging can kill a (potential) relationship.

[Reyhoney]

I'm kinda glad I found this forum! Phew! I could have written this post myself! Very similar situation here too, and most folks online would think we are INSANE to do what we are doing. Glad to see others understand and go through the same thing.

OP, in a perfect world, what do you want to happen exactly? If you could choose every outcome? It's really helpful to let yourself to visualize it, cause then you don't get to fret as much. And YES, don't do emotional vomit on an email or text to him. Communication is great, but not when they're negative cause then you'll just end up scaring him too.

[Flautist2000]

OP, in a perfect world, what do you want to happen exactly? If you could choose every outcome? It's really helpful to let yourself to visualize it, cause then you don't get to fret as much. And YES, don't do emotional vomit on an email or text to him. Communication is great, but not when they're negative cause then you'll just end up scaring him too.

In a perfect world, B would be just as crazy about me as I am about her (yes, 2 women here). We'd spend time together every few months for now, she'd meet my daughter and they'd love each other, and eventually we'd be able to move to her country and I'd get a good job and hell, maybe I'd have another baby with her if I'm physically capable (I have fertility issues) and we'd live happily ever after.

Idk, I've been married twice, but last time I was inherently unhappy to some extent the whole relationship (but he's the father of my daughter, so I ignored my "gut" for far too long). The first time, I remember *feeling* this way when we were first together. We eventually didn't fit, and I stayed because I had a sense of obligation because she was so dependant on me, but still...yeah, the last time I *felt* like this, I married the girl. Except now I'm a healthy adult who knows what I want and I'm better at setting boundaries, so it's even better.

But this is also based on having 99% of our communication online or on the phone. We've only met once, and it was fairly platonic at the time. So I don't know her in-person quirks, and she doesn't know mine, and maybe something will make this fairly impossible, but from what I know *now*, that would be such a lovely outcome.

[erwin1973]

Two women, two men, one woman and one man. All the same as long you as love each other. In my opinion.

Looks like you had your fair share... I know what you mean by staying with your partner for the child. I did the same, for far too long.

The last thing, that is something you can work on. You can really get to know each other - provided the answers are honest, of course - by asking the right questions. Not just "what is your favorite colour", but like "what do you want out of life", "what is your greatest fear" and that kind of things. There are even sites that may help you. Just google 'questions for a couple to get to know each other' or something like that.

After a year of dating, I still ask her things like that. It works and pulls up a nice conversation, usually.

[Reyhoney]

Would your ex let you move abroad with the kids? I mean you can have an agreement that they visit your ex every summer and all.