Falling Apart

[Autumn247]

We met online six months ago playing a game. He is Italian and I am in the Uk. We hit it off immediately and he is an amazing guy. In July he came over for a long weekend and and it was like we'd known each other all our lives. I think we talked so much over the time before we met that we knew each other inside out. This continued when we parted, texting all day long, long phone calls, lots of laughter. Then he took two weeks off of work as he is stressed and unhappy where he is. He didnt do much or go away, just chilled at home and went a few places with friends. The last weekend he was off I took my daughter for two nights away and we did a bunch of cool stuff. We came back on Saturday and things have seemingly changed overnight. He seems so down, texts are few and short, one word answers. The One phone call i had with him was vile. Again, one word answers, long silences. He says hes having a few bad days, hes stressed about returning to work, that I did more in the couple of days than he did in two weeks. I offered to fly out and give him some moral support but he said he was used to solving his own problems and he just needed time to do it and if he felt pressurized it would make things worse. But he wont tell me the problem. And i dont think ive pressurized him. I have absolute trust in him and i know he loves me. But the sudden lack of communication from him is making me fall apart. I worry the whole time, in tears a lot of the time. I want to be there for him. His plan was to relocate here before the end of the year, I just want him here. Just five days ago he texted me he loves me and wants to be with me. So i dont see how it could change so quickly. And I want to stop worrying and crying all the time. I want to help him but he's locking me out. He seems so far away and i feel so helpless.

[hmrambling]

It sounds like the two of you were making plans to close the distance even though you just met six months ago online. I encourage you to take time to get to know him. You are gauging the entire relationship and future on him having a few down days. I encourage you to not base your entire life on whether or not he is having a good day. This is concerning: the sudden lack of communication from him is making me fall apart.

He has basically communicated to you that he wants to work through things himself and that he feels that you're pressuring him. That usually means that he wants some space. I encourage you to give him some space, and to focus on yourself and your daughters.

Interesting that he is the one working out some problems and that you are the one who feels helpless. Please focus on your own wellbeing and give him some space. Take time to get to know him.

[erwin1973]

Depression is an awful thing to have, I can tell you. And people tend to feel alone, no matter how much they know, deep inside, how much loved they are. Today I found a great metaphore. Think of it like driving a car at daylight, with broken headlights, on a road with many tunnels, without light, not seeing the end of the tunnel. That's how it feels.

I am sure you didn't put any pressure on him, but he can feel it differently. May be he is right, and may be he will come out of this alone - that is possible. May be he needs help. The problem with talking to someone who is in a depression, is that they do reject all solutions. It takes a way the (lionshare of the) will to fight. Strong people can come out on their own, others do need help (I did).

For the partner, it is even worse, for all they try to do, seems to make things more terrible, it feels like you're being pushed away. That is, in my opinion, not intentionally. When I was having my severe depressions, I was very selfish, or so I was told later. Only could think of myself, how terrible I felt, and how bad life was. It takes an immens amound of willpower to turn around those feelings.

I can imagine how you feel. Sadly, if he doesn't want to be helped, you can't help him. All you can do is be with him and hope for the best.

That is my opinion, by the way, I don't say I'm always right.

I wish you both much strength.

[Lune]

I agree with the others and even if the communication suffers right now, I would not judge your whole relationship because of that. In your lines you can read that a huge part of him being down is caused by his job that he does not like or at least not the place he is working in. And that can have a huge effect on a person, because work is something you have to do almost every day. You have offered your help and that's a thing he surely appreciates because he knows he can rely on you if he wants to. But some things really have to figured out by persons on their own or they prefer it that way.
I would just try to be there for him, like you can through the distance, try to cheer him up, maybe with looking forward to how you will close the distance and that he will have a new job hopefully in a better place he likes more, when he will be there
I hope you'll get through this^^

[5518MilesApart]

As a mother, I have to say that six months and introduction to your child right after is too fast...
I was freaking out about introducing my daughter to my SO, and this was after knowing each other for two years.
We've had moments where texts are slow, but.. Honestly, I think you should ask yourself if you really know this person, like.. really and truly.
He may feel pressured for many reasons, but you won't know unless you two really communicate what is going on lately.
In my opinion, it's just so fast, especially with a child in between. I really hope that it works out for both your sakes, taking the time to communicate and work around the distance..
But sometimes, time can tell.

[Autumn247]

Thank you for your replies. I feel helpless because Idk what the problem is. I'm a firm believer in a problem shared is a problem halved and i appreciate input from others greatly, hence my joining this forum. Most of the time, if you are physically close to someone you have some idea what the problem is, if you see they are looking pale and clutching at their stomach you might guess a medical problem. If bailiffs are knocking on the door maybe a debt problem, but when they are 1000 miles away and they are locking you out its very hard. The mind runs riot, or mine does, and i overthink. I take points from all replies and work on them. He knows I'm here for him. I will try to evaluate the facts from the suppositions. I will give him his space and maybe sort myself out so it doesnt come so hard to handle for me. Thank you for your words. I admire everyone who has a LDR, it can be tough to deal with at times and erwin1973, you have it exactly how it seems 😘