Please help me save my relationship

[Shampoo0418]

Hi everyone,

I really don't know who to turn to, and where I can go, hence I'm posting here hoping to get some support and advice.

My English boyfriend and I (Chinese) have been in a LDR for a year. We met while travelling and we clicked instantly. We kept in touch even after he left and it sort of just happened for us. In the past year, we've been seeing each other back and forth 3 times. And just now he told me he can't do this anymore (we had this conversation before last month and we ended up saying let's see how it goes), the reason being with the distance everything seems to be an important decision made towards having a life together. He said, he has been feeling like this for a while, he doesn't like constant texting, he doesn't like expectations, he wants to be own his own, and he wants me to focus on my life (I just quit my job to be with him, I am able to work remotely.) I have kept the conversation going for about a year now and he said it's because I'm afraid to stop talking, I think he is right. He said he is my obsession, I can't go a second without him. And that is true too. This is my first proper relationship and I don't know what to do. I am not ready to let go, I love him and he loves me, and I don't see why anything should stop us. I said if someone cares enough they would do anything to make it happen. He said it's not fair to put this on him, he's been trying since our first conversation.

I feel so hurt and helpess. A big part of me doesn't want to let go. But another part of me pains to see him suffocating in this situation. He said he wants to keep talking to me but with less expectations. He is constantly worrying about hurting me. I just wish he could be more positive, and worry less about me. He fears losing me because I might cut him out of my life completely because I don't know how to revert to being friends. If I don't make it clear then I suffer.

I'm really not sure what to do. If anyone's been in the same situation, please, it would really help to hear from you.

Thanks a lot.

[hmrambling]

I encourage you to respect his decision and give her time and space. If he wants to contact you, he will. I also encourage you to work on a relationship autopsy so that you can learn from the relationship. Relationship autopsy: https://members.lovingfromadistance....e-relationship

[Shampoo0418]

Yes, we are still discussing. But I will give him space. Thank you.

[Reyhoney]

There are two problems that are probably going back and forth making damage, one is him not wanting to commit and lose his freedom (after all, men have always gone to war to fight for their freedom) and he fears that you will tie him down and he will lose out on adventures, and what you are doing by constantly being there is pushing him even further cause he feels like he’s stuck and he doesn’t have the freedom or the space to come to you on his OWN terms.

Men are tricky, they want to miss you in order to love you; and expect that when they return you’ll not have changed, you’ll not be upset or nag him. What you need now is to completely back off, pull back and put all your energy into something else for now (he won’t go anywhere or fall off the face of the earth) but just immerse yourself and let it show like go out and be independent and have fun and post about it online, that you are having a good time and busy. When he reaches out be aloof when you talk, don’t seem too happy or too upset, just indifferent. Tell him you gotta go and hung up.

I’m not telling you to play games, just no longer make him your obsession, treat him like a guy you like, a potential or an option. He needs time and space to think and you hovering over him will only push him away.

Good luck.

[erwin1973]

@ Reyhoney: I'm not so happy with your generalization about men. May be many are, but for sure not all...

@OP: It can also be he is just a friendly guy who is a bit shy and afraid to break up, doesn't want to hurt your feelings. May be he really likes you, even loves you, but is just afraid of the distance. May be he is not ready to commit, yet. There might be so many reasons... Even the possibility of him just not being able to do a long distance relationship.

The fact that he is still talking with you is positive, but he is clearly telling you to back off a bit. Respect that. Even shy and friendly people have their limits and pushing them is a bad idea. No matter how much you love him, if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, hunting him down is a no-go. Wasted energy, no matter how much that hurts for you.

I agree with HM: respect his decision and don't keep on breathing in his neck - no matter how hard that is for you.

[Shampoo0418]

erwin1973 : We are not in a very good place in life because he is just starting a new job in China after a year of being jobless, everything is new and exciting for him. But he isn't in a place where he can commit to a relationship. The first time we had a conversation he told me straight up that he isn't ready to commit to anything big, or join plans with someone. Whereas I'm in a different place, I have stable income and I'm ready to have someone serious in my life. But because I wanted to be closer to him, I quit my job and decided to move back home to Malaysia where the distance would be shorter. We are really close to breaking up. As of now we are taking a break for a month until we next see each other again and we will make a decision. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I'm still holding on to the tiniest hope.