Having half world distance

[Zwitsa]

Idk what's worse. Being with your person and cannot see him, feel him or touch him, or not being with that person at all. I guess when u break up at some point the pain will fade away right? Time will pass your friends will support you and you are going to get through it right? Me and my bf have literally half world distance. We are already one and half month in our long distance relationship and just sucks. I cry a lot. All the time. I don't want to go out. I am not saying that depends solely to my relationship, but sometimes my relationship makes things worse. However, I do calm down when I hear his voice and I am in love with that person. That I know. He loves me too. We talk a lot. However, will this pain ever end?! If so, is the solution just to be the brave one and call it a relationship? Idk, I miss you my love. I wish you were here.

[Rezie]

We all go through those thoughts. THey come and go. Sometimes you wish you were not together cause then you wouldn't have to make life changes and talk ont he phone. Some days you are so happy you found your person. My advice is having a plan. Longterm plan and short term plan. Long term plan is to find out when and how to close the distance (maybe wait a while before this since you haven't been together that long) and the short term plan is when to meet and what you will do. Go out, meet friends, "forget" about your partner. It's the most amazing feeling in teh world when you can concentrate ont the moment and don't worry about other things!

[snuffles]

Absolutely second Rezie's post. I've had those thoughts of wondering what would be worse. And some days you just need to ride-out the emotional rollercoaster an LDR puts you on. I find it hard, just honestly, being able to focus on the moment and not worry about the distance etc. But as hard as it is, it really is a key to coping in an LDR. The pain of the distance sucks but the joy and happiness from each fun, special moment you share far outweighs that pain.

[frannyfresh]

Dear Zwitsa,
I understand you. My bf is African and I live in europe.
Especially during the first month I cried a lot. inclusive when I was on the phone with him. I can also understand that u feel, your relationship is making things worse. I cried and screamed over it.
What really helped me was booking a flight and now having a date when I'll see him again. I know it's expensive but I work harder to afford it. Actually what I did was everytime I missed him I was looking for flights and one day a super cheap one came up and I just booked it without thinking about it.
Now I cry less, talking to him gets easier and we are both looking forward seeing each other. I make plans for our time together and it keeps me happy until the day comes I'll see him again.

[erwin1973]

My lady and I live quite a few clicks away from each other, too. And although I hate to admit it, it is getting harder. We've been together for 14 months now. We're doing great, absolutely. But the desire to feel her, hold her, and just be together gets so strong sometimes that it even makes me teary-eyed.

But I know that one day we'll meet, and that one day we're going to live together. The plans are there. We keep on talking, planning, enjoying listening to each other, and most of all: loving each other and not giving up.

When we're not chatting or camming, I have my own life. Shopping, composing, going to class, writing, going out for a walk... I do my own things, getting her into my life (not my life around her). I have my things to do here, my life to live here, and one day we will live our lives here, together.

One and a half month is not that much yet. I agree with Rezie, but wait with the long-term planning until you're sure about each other. You're still in the honeymoon-fase of it.

[CKY182]

Hey,

I definitely can relate to those feelings as I'm sure many others here.
I really have found My Person though so for me the decision to be
together is definitely better than not having him at all.
But the pain, omg the pain....

I said goodbye to him for the second time just about a month ago, then we
had been apart for just 2 1/2 months and now we are supposed to be apart
for another 7 months... :'( The pain didn't subside before, I don't know how
it will this time, it's killing me.

Sorry for hijacking your post but for me personaly at least after 2 1/2 months
the pain was no less than before... I try to go out with friends and do stuff but
at times I can't even find the motivation to do things that will make me feel better.

Friends do help though, like with anything, it makes you been in that moment and
not think about you loved one all the time.

Sometimes it also just helps to accept that Yes, I am sad and that that's ok and
after that just try to build a structure of support in your life. Friends and things you
like to do, hobbies or whatever it may be, just to balance out the negative and sad.

All the best to you,
Alexandra

[Hitomi]

Considering you're still in the beginning of your LDR, it's too early to give up on it. Sometimes, you have no choice but to deal with these feelings head on and let them all out. Then, once you had enough of that, you'll eventually have to live your own life and keep busy until you see each other again, adjusting to the fact that you may not see each other for long periods of time over and over again until you plan out on when to permanently close the distance.

My Personal Experience: I live in New York, he lives in California. Then, that all changed when I had left to the Philippines in 2008 for college (keep in mind, we were already nearly 4 years together by that time). Then, once I came back home briefly in 2012 after graduation, I left to go abroad there again to find work (and I did one year later) and didn't come home permanently until 2015.

The Now: When I came home in 2015, he visited me and proposed. Now that he graduated from law school this year, passed his bar exams, and was officially initiated as a legit attorney, I'm in the process of moving to California next year/month to study as a paralegal and enter the law field myself for work. Also, our 13th anniversary passed by this year.

If you think a month and a half will kill you, imagine me not having seen my fiancé (then boyfriend) for nearly seven years. Yet no matter how much I wanted to give up, my feelings manage to push me to keep going. I don't know how or why. It just did.

Check back on your emotions when you are in the relationship for a year and see if you still love him by then.

Apart from living your own life to better yourself and learn to live without him (you have managed to do that before you entered the relationship, after all), here is my personal observation and advice: a lot of LDRs fail because most don't plan on when to permanently close the distance. Or don't plan a concrete, tangible future together. So, if you're serious about this person and your relationship, you have to make it a point to make plans on when to settle down.

For the meantime, keep communicating. Trust each other. Tell each other how your days are when you are able to talk. Etc.

Until then, live your own life. Have your friends and/or family be your support system. Be busy with school and/or work. Have hobbies that you can give your energy and passion to. Don't isolate yourself and put your life on hold because of this relationship. Etc, etc.

Whatever you do, do not pine and mope over this for too long. Like I mentioned before, it's okay to cry and to feel lonely and hurt over the distance. But if you keep doing this to yourself, you'll end up hurting yourself more and build up resentment over time, all of which will consume you and may end up having you sabotage your relationship. It's not healthy to do that.

Thus, I leave you with this final piece of advice: above all, you must never revolve your life around your LDR 24/7.

[Elisabetta]

I know how you feel, sometimes it is impossible not to think how hard it is to be in a LDR. For me, even when I am out with friends or working, I always have in the back of my mind the thought of him. It seems like I cannot get rid of the loneliness even when I am having some fun. It gets better though if I am engaged in something else. The best thing you can do is to force yourself to go out, you won't forget about missing him, but it will help easing the pain.

[differentcountries]

No matter the distance; if you dont have the means and holiday time to see each other, it is going to be very hard. I know of national long distance relationships where they see each other less than I usually see my boyfriend.

The time going by makes it easier, and harder, and harder, and easier.

Easier because we get a routine. I know how to get tickets, travel hacks, and how to successfully apply for him visiting here. Easier because I build a life and a network, hoping maybe one day he can join my network too. Easier because I get good at saving, which comes in handy.

Harder because we have been together for so long and long to start a physical life together at the same place. Harder because we have used the benefits of the long distance to get to know each other through words, and we know we want each other in the future. Harder because we still have to use time and especially money to sustain the visits, because otherwise we can not see each other. Harder because in order for us to live together, I have to get a full time job, which will drastically reduce my options to go see him (but can make it possible for him to get a visa to see me).

Harder because there are things that are hard to do from a distance. I don't know how he prefers to decor a home because we have never lived together more than 1 month at the most. There are holidays we have not spent together (we have celebrated a few birthdays, one valentine, one easter, one sugar bayram (the big eid). Christmas is always apart, and new year we "toast" online but not together. Harder because especially it is hard to introduce him to my network because of the visa issues and his limited holiday time. Harder because you cant plan a child with someone you see seldom in person.

But easier, oh so much easier, because no matter the hardship, as long as we wants this, I am in and I will do whatever it takes to shape my life into something that in time can make it possible to close the distance. It may take a few years, but if I know we do it together, it can be done. I want him to come here (and for us to build a summer home there), and I want it done safely and securely. I will buy the cheapest toothpaste to make it happen. I will buy discount food to make it happen. I have hardly been out dancing in 4 years. I will take in a lodger to make money on my rent. I will make all the sacrifice I need to make, as long as he makes them on his end as well.

The long distance blues is there, and it will come and go, but I think that if I do these things, it will matter, and if I also have fun as I go along, I can make a life that he will want to join here, and that the state will let me.

[Melya.wardhani]

Hi. I definitely feel the same. I have just gotten back to my country in Indonesia after I lived 16 months in the UK with my boyfriend. It hits me harder because UK feels more like home to me and I feel like I dont belong here in Indonesia. I ve just finished my masters and now i havent gotten any job yet. So basically speaking I havent figured my life out yet and it s so scary. We plan to meet in 5 months but I dont know how it will happen as i ve no job yet and definitely have no money. I dont know what to suggest to you but I can assure that you re not alone going through this hard time. We are all feelin the same. But let s have faith that it will end soon and our feeling will get better. I thought by sharing this it can help to make your feeling better?

[LuluB]

I'd say those are normal thoughts, I think everyone goes through that. The doubt and fear. But it'll go away. Your relationship is still at the beginning and there are so many possibilities, maybe you'll see each other one day. You never know. I went through that and still do and the only thing that seems to make it better is to hear his voice or see him on video chat. But don't worry. If you feel like that, try to distract yourself. You're both your own person and you both need to keep on track with your lifes. You need to stay positive and whenever you feel like that don't shut yourself out of your own life by not going out or doing things because you'll only start overthinking things. And hey, you're both not out of the world. When the time's right, you can purchase a plane ticket and go see him! I know it's confusing, it's scary and it's not easy but you can make it, if you both work for it. My boyfriend and me have been in a LDR for a year now, he's in the US and I am in Germany. I know how you feel but this challenge can also make you stronger as a couple.

[MikeLee]

LDR is by no means easy. But at the same time it is beautiful, because even though the distance, you still fell in love with each other. Perhaps it's fate. Despite the hardship, you still say you love him so you must really really love him, so please don't give up. There will come a day when you can be together. For that day to come you both have to work together as a team and strive for that day. Many peoples here have done it so why can't you? .

Rooting for you both! (y).

[Zwitsa]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! I truly appreciate your input and time and your responses really helped me throughout this process.

Quick update: we are 8 months in! We are planning to see each other for the summer and hopefully reduce this US/Europe distance that we have right now.

Another issue that I think is very difficult to work around is scheduling with the time difference.
For example our problem is that I feel that we talk a lot and he feels that we talk too much sometimes. Since I am 8 hours behind when I am done with commitments he is going to bed, but when he is done with commitments we tend to talk. This reverse life feels so weird and gets us into fights.

What are your thoughts?

[Thousandstars]

I understand you on the time difference thing, my SO is in Australia so being a day behind feels really weird, while he is sleeping I am living my day and my life and while I am sleeping he is living his. It drives me mental sometimes, I hate being a day behind, It is always weird to Video Chat with him and it's daytime there or vice versa.

I think it is just something that we are going to have to deal with until we are on the same side of the planet, ya know? I can tell he gets frustrated sometimes cause I only have enough energy to talk for maybe an hour at most when after a long day of work, I am fighting to keep my eyes open. But we just try to work around it. usually Saturday'( my time) is the time we really connect for the longest and talk about everything we were either to tired or to annoyed to talk about during the week. I guess that is when we really get our rant/vent sessions out hahaha


AND CONGRATS ON THE 8 MONTHS!!!!!! THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!

[MrsShar]

Definitely agree with all the replies I have read here. LDR isn't like the normal relationship where you can just call him/her to see them or surprise them by going to their home or workplace or wherever they are at the moment. Time and Distance. Double the effort for everything. You are still in the early stages of the relationship and there are things you will go through and experience. I understand perfectly how you feel cause like everyone here. I've been there and still there. I am on the other side of the planet from him. I am now married to my American husband for almost a year but we've been together as a couple for almost 4 years now. Still going strong. For now, don't let your life revolve only on your relationship. Find hobbies, continue living your own life while you make sure you have time for your partner.
Congrats on the 8th months!

Regarding your question about time difference. It became a little issue for us too. 12/13 hrs ahead of him. So literally it's my day and his night or vice versa. We never really had a big fight but I got upset with him several times because he would fell asleep while we are chatting or we won't be able to chat at all because he fell asleep early. I felt like he's not giving me enough time. But to be honest, he was just busy and since he works as a yacht technician wherein he gets tired physically and sometimed mentally and emotionally too. And we talk everyday, day and night. What I'm trying to say is. It shouldn't be a problem and try to deal with it, accept that time difference is a little hard. I just learned how to control my emotions more and not complain about it. If you can, try to set a day or time wherein you will chat for a couple of hours. Just look forward to the time where you will be together.