UK --- US Advice? Feeling lost

[Alwayshavehope]

Hello, I have never done any forums/blogs before so I don't really know what to say. My boyfriend and I met while studying abroad in AUS after that I went back home to the US and he back to U.K.. since the beginning of our relationship it has been long distance for 2 1/2 years, both out of college he is doing his dream job while I am over here still trying to figure out my life and happiness which is not going very well, I feel lost. He is free lance in film so he works 4 months takes off 2 months that sort of thing, but it's hard for me living in US to have a job with that flexibility and that's what makes it hardest, we have visited each other total of 6 times (I was in England for 4 months) we talk about the next time we visit but all I want is the end goal, he says he doesn't know the end goal because of his job and if it travels or takes him other places. I really do feel like he wants me there but he doesn't want me to be alone while he is working, I honestly feel like the only way we will be together is if I am the one that moves and I am happy to do it. But that's not enough looking through visas it seems hopeless I feel like I will never get there, does anyone ever get the feeling of being lonely, like yes you have friends but when your spending you weekend FaceTiming then you fall asleep together but you still feel lonely, I just want to not feel lost in life anymore and have a plan and get a visa. I hate feeling lost.

[ILoveYou22]

From what you are telling, it seems you are more into talking about and arranging to close the distance than he is. He seems more focused on his work and not on the relationship which doesn't feel like his priority (at least not now).

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about it, because 2 and a half years is time enough to decide what you are going to do, who moves where, etc. Tell him that you cannot continue like that without deciding what to do. And if refuses to talk about it or make plans with you, I think it's time for you to focus on yourself and your life (without him).

[Alwayshavehope]

Well my SO we talk about getting married and everything it's just the hardest part he says is about his job because he would might have to travel sometimes the hardest part for me is trying to figure out how do I get a job there, our problem is we just don't know how to go about getting us together, I have asked him before but he says he can't put a long time frame on because things will change with his career. But he knows we will be together

[erwin1973]

If he doesn't know, he should try to find out. It's his country you'll probably be moving to.

So, actually, he doesn't want you to live with him because sometimes he is going for a long trip? Doesn't make sense to me, for one reason: you'll be together when he is not travelling and apperantly he doesn't want you to be close (or at least, that is how I interprete it). You're apart now, so what is his problem in leaving you for a short period (a few months is short compared to 2½ years).

I agree with ILY22 that is doesn't seem to be a priority and I have the idea from what you write that he is keeping you at bay.

[Rezie]

I can kind of understand where he is coming from. He loves his job and wants to concentrate on that. When you have a passion it's easy to get sucked into that and in LDR it's easy to accept is as LDR and "forget" to work on the common goal and brush it off to someday. Based on your writing it comes across to me that you would be ok with moving but it's not necessarily something you really want. Closing the distance is hard to also the one staying. You feel like you are incharge of other persons happiness and feeling guilty that you ripped them away from their own life. Previous poster said that 2 1/2 years is plenty of time to decide where to relocate. I disagree with this statement. People have differenet reasons for wanting to stay in their own country and saying "I'll move abroad for the rest of my life to be with another person" is a giant leap and if you don't have a desire naturally live abroad and never invisioned it, it's difficult to re-adjust. Since the first 1-2 years is getting to know the person like is CDR and then comes the time to make plans. The otehr one moving feels so permanent that there is a feeling that everythign has to be sorted. Eventhough it's not true and things can change but the sentiment is different compared to CDR. In my opinion.

I would recommend having a good talk. Explain that you want to close the distance and you really want to move to UK. He can keep doing his work and you will sort out work and life for yourself and he does not have to worry about you since you really want to move. Then start working on the visa and how it will all go forward from there. In the UK the job market is very good, the only problem is getting a visa.

[ILoveYou22]

I can kind of understand where he is coming from. He loves his job and wants to concentrate on that. When you have a passion it's easy to get sucked into that and in LDR it's easy to accept is as LDR and "forget" to work on the common goal and brush it off to someday. Based on your writing it comes across to me that you would be ok with moving but it's not necessarily something you really want. Closing the distance is hard to also the one staying. You feel like you are incharge of other persons happiness and feeling guilty that you ripped them away from their own life. Previous poster said that 2 1/2 years is plenty of time to decide where to relocate. I disagree with this statement. People have differenet reasons for wanting to stay in their own country and saying "I'll move abroad for the rest of my life to be with another person" is a giant leap and if you don't have a desire naturally live abroad and never invisioned it, it's difficult to re-adjust. Since the first 1-2 years is getting to know the person like is CDR and then comes the time to make plans. The otehr one moving feels so permanent that there is a feeling that everythign has to be sorted. Eventhough it's not true and things can change but the sentiment is different compared to CDR. In my opinion.

I would recommend having a good talk. Explain that you want to close the distance and you really want to move to UK. He can keep doing his work and you will sort out work and life for yourself and he does not have to worry about you since you really want to move. Then start working on the visa and how it will all go forward from there. In the UK the job market is very good, the only problem is getting a visa.

Well I live in the UK and unless he lives in a remote village in the countryside surrounded by goats, yes it is easy to find a job.

Maybe I am too romantic, but if I am in love with someone and he is the love of my life, being with him would be a priority over jobs and other stuff. Actually, he wouldn't even have to leave his job because she would be the one relocating!

To me the thing that keeps me going to be able to handle a LDR is talking and making plans to close the distance. When after 2 and a half years that doesn't happen something is not right.

[Rezie]

Well I live in the UK and unless he lives in a remote village in the countryside surrounded by goats, yes it is easy to find a job.

Maybe I am too romantic, but if I am in love with someone and he is the love of my life, being with him would be a priority over jobs and other stuff. Actually, he wouldn't even have to leave his job because she would be the one relocating!

To me the thing that keeps me going to be able to handle a LDR is talking and making plans to close the distance. When after 2 and a half years that doesn't happen something is not right.

unfortunately getting a visa to UK is difficult eventhough it's easy to find a job :/
we have a very different approach to relationships

Well I'm not particularly romantic and I don't think love trumps everything. there is also a lot of logical thinking and practicalities that has to be taken into account. you can't live on love and there are so many aspects in life. I personally can't imagine being satisfied if only my love life was in order. Yes he wouldn't need to relocate but I'm trying to say that the role of the stayer is not automatically easy. there are a lot of changes and feelings that come with it. obviously I don't know him but I can draw from personal experience.

2 1/2 years is quite a short timeline. in that time even in CDR I wouldn't move in with a person let alone someone I don't see all the time to and lives across the world. if it works that way for you then great but it doesn't mean something is wrong if someone doesn't. people have different reasons and circumstances. sure making plans is great but there is a difference between making plans and then coming up with a specific timeline and decisions.