He wants to break up... but he still loves me..

[lor0960]

Hello. I am from the US and my SO is from Thailand. I'm sorry, but you will have to know the whole story for this. I met him when I was 20 and he was 28. We met on April 13, 2016, at my university and he came there for a 3 week program to learn English. He fell in love with me at first sight and later, I fell in love too. He said he can wait for me until I graduate from my undergrad until then, we will text and call every day. So we started dating on May 6, the same year. We were doing great, talking everyday and getting having video dates. But my sister soon found out, and she told my parents. Long story short: most of my family gave me grief and strongly disapproves of him because he's much older and Thai. My SO soon found out and started to reconsider our relationship because he didn't want to destroy my family relationships. I reassured him that I will be okay and that if we still love each other, then it will be fine. After that we were okay. Then, in August I went to Japan for a year to study abroad. Japan was amazing, and I got to see him 6 times during the time I was there. However, soon after I came back to the US on August 2017. Last time I saw him was in July in Thailand.

We were doing okay, going strong I guess. Texting everyday when we could and video chatting too. But on Oct 22, he suddenly asked if we can just be friends. He told me he has been thinking about it for 2-3 months. I asked him why and what his reason was. He told me that it hurts too much. Being away from me, he can't do the things he wants to do with me, go shopping, hang out, hold hands, or eat together. The pain was unbearable and he cried every night.

I asked him if he stopped loving me. He said he couldn't do that. Talking with him, I found out that we still love each other, he still wants to be with me so much that it hurts. But why did he want to end things? His grandmother is on death bed and his mother is counting on him for medical bills and emotional support while his dad is not doing much. At work (he owns his own start up) he laid off 5 people recently because his company is not getting a lot of work. So he is stressed. I get it.

But I don't want to loose him. I love him so much. My heart has been breaking ever since he asked me to be friends. We are both still in love, why does it have to change? I suggested that maybe we should take a break instead. But he has decided and wants to go ahead with his decision. But I can't accept it. I know love is not always happy. There will be many painful moments. I know he is stressed right now but that does not mean we should just give up. I don't want to give up. We have not decided on anything, at least, I have not. I want to try and save this relationship. I feel like I can still do it. I know love is not the only thing in a relationship, but we shouldn't just give up without tying to save it together... right?


Please, any thoughts or suggestions on how I can save my relationship with him. Or anything from other point's of views. I would really like it to get a third party inside look on this. Thank you so much.

[MariaEx]

Yes, I totally agree. Love is very important and it's worth fighting for but I think the key word is "together". By the looks of it, you are fighting alone. You could try to convince him but if you succeed, are you willing to try and fight for this relationship alone? Perhaps you think you are now but at some point you'll get tired and frustrated.
I wish I was more optimistic and had some solution to your problem but I don't think you can make someone fight for a cause that he no longer believes in. According to what you wrote he has more crucial matters to attend to, be there for him but don't pressure him.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Yes, I totally agree. Love is very important and it's worth fighting for but I think the key word is "together". By the looks of it, you are fighting alone. You could try to convince him but if you succeed, are you willing to try and fight for this relationship alone? Perhaps you think you are now but at some point you'll get tired and frustrated.
I wish I was more optimistic and had some solution to your problem but I don't think you can make someone fight for a cause that he no longer believes in. According to what you wrote he has more crucial matters to attend to, be there for him but don't pressure him.

This poster is correct, you are fighting alone for this love and he is not making your healing easier by keeping you on the back burner as friends. If he truly loved you, he would fight for you (unless your relationship was dysfunctional). My long distance ex did that to me as well and that did not feel like love, especially because he did it in a insensitive way, he didn't want to vid chat me to do the deed. I would leave it, no matter how much you love him, you cannot make him love you back. Good luck on your road to healing.

[TJ-LJ]

LDR's aren't for everyone, and as the above poster's have said, you are the one fighting when he is the one wanting to downgrade the connection you two have. Ultimately, if he wants to end the relationship and just be friends, that's his decision. But it doesn't say a lot about him and his dedication to you and the relationship. So either be his friend and see what happens, or move on. Do what you feel is best. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

he is used to seeing you frequently in a long distance international relationship, and he suspects you will not be able to do that from now on. He knows you will see each other once, maybe twice a year, on your expense. And that being so young, even if you marry, you probably cant support him if he married you and moved to you, and he is not in a financial position right now to support you should you consider moving to him. He is being negative about it, with good reason. It takes a lot to stomack not seeing each other in a long while and perhaps with his sick relatives he feel out of himself.

It is his decition. You can wait or move on, that is up to you.

[hmrambling]

I am not a huge fan of chasing someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship. Trying to salvage a relationship where one partner has already decided to leave can add to more hurt. I suggest you take care of yourself and gather a support network for yourself and work through this. Sometimes it helps to have no contact while everything is being sorted out.