Should I wait or shouldn't I?

[anindian]

Hey people,

I am here with a confusion. I just found out this forum so I thought why not ask a random person with similar problem for advice, right?

So the thing is, I met her when I joined my college in Jalandhar, Punjab and we instantly became very good friends. By the end of first semester we were already bffs. Then she left the college and I knew she would leave it. I was having a hard time in 2nd sem without her in college as I didn't have many friends there. She was a localite so we used to meet and go out frequently. We meant the world to each other as bffs. Then on 13th Feb 2017, we found out that we loved each other and got into a relationship. She was planing to leave to for Canada to study and we both knew that we will be parting after 3 months for indefinite time. We decided to keep up and maintain an LDR. In those 3 months my friends she got me going crazy. She showered love on me like heavy rains. Saying i love you hundreds of times in a day, doing stupid crazy lovable things, pampering me, hugs and kisses and cuddles when we met and everything you will find in a romantic movie. We had fights and arguments too but we had them covered. When we met for the last time, I literally cried. We had it in us to keep us together.

After she went to Canada, she started her struggle against life ie finding job, making friends, homesickness and dealing with emotional and mental stress. Our relationship began to decline soon. I tried being with her at every point but it all failed ultimately when on Oct 7 she said she wanted a breakup and she didn't love me and didn't want a relationship. She wanted us to be bffs again as we were. She said she wasnt very comfortable in this relationship thing cuz we had frequent fights and mess ups. I am always optimistic and ready to start over and want us to be together.

I think that she still loves me cuz she still cant stay away from me for even a day. We are the most important part of each others life. I feel that she is undergoing a lot of stress, you know, finding proper accommodation, managing finances, fighting loneliness and homesickness and scoring in studies. I feel there are 3 basic reasons for her moving for a breakup:
1. She is struggling to settle there and feels to focus her attention there. I ask only for expression of love and undivided attention which she cant give right now because I think she just cant manage all of it together.
2. She is an introvert and doesnt easily make friends. She gets irritated quickly but wont express it and keep on taking useless stress. Practically I am her only friend. She wont me express her problems to me directly until she gets completely frustrated and then even my words seem like bullets to her and she fights with me too.
3. She isnt very optimistic and says things like "I wont ever return to India" and all. I am positive about life and I dont want to worry about the future so much. I want to be with her today and keep it that way.

Now its almost 3 weeks to my breakup. I have occasionally tried to convince her but I didnt put much pressure to avoid irritating her. My friends she say that we are inseparable, as they know my love for her, and she will be back. It may take as long as a couple of months but she will be back. Few of my friends suggest that it may be the end of it and that I move on and find someone else. As far as I am concerned, I dont feel I can have another girlfriend since I was very serious about this girl and I cant switch as it is a cakewalk. I cant say I love you to anyone so easily. I do feel attracted by other girls and feel like talking to them but I dont feel like saying i love you and asking them out cuz its something I did exclusively for her.

I simply ask for love, pampering and undivided attention as she used to give me earlier. If I tell her she has changed, she gets irritated and we get into a fight. I can do anything for her, wait for years only if she is equally supportive and strong.

So my question is, WHAT SHOULD I DO? Should I keep being her bff for now, let her get settled and hang on or should I consider it a closed chapter. Honestly, I favour the former cuz I feel that she still loves me and its just her situations that have made her breakup and feel that there isnt love.

Thanks

[autumn1790]

Your Reason #1 is probably dead on. She literally cannot give you what you demand, and it's adding to the stress of adjusting to a whole new country and culture. In my honest blunt opinion, you should not expect pampering from your girlfriend anyway...you are a grown-up adult who can take full care of yourself, not a little child to be coddled. Pampering should be an unexpected pleasure, not a demanded chore. I realize I'm looking at this through the lens of another culture, so you may take my opinion with a grain of salt, but maybe if were a mature, calculating partner who implements continued action to give space to your stressed partner, she wouldn't feel the need to create space for herself. But, I have no idea what's going on in her head, or whether she'll come back. I would recommend giving her space and not ever pressuring her for affection.
Sorry if this came across as rude! Best of luck!

[Lyra]

Hey, I understand how difficult this situation must be for you. From an outsider's point of view I would suggest that she needs time to clear her head a little bit and maybe think things through. I would not pressure her too much, just try to subtly show her that you are still supportive of her and that she means a lot to you, without putting any pressure on her to get back together. It sounds to me like she is going through a difficult time and maybe if she works through it, she will see you in a different light again. So if she still loves you, and her feelings are just suppressed by all the stress and hurt she is going through right now, then maybe she will want to get back together with you.

Sorry if I missed it in your post, but have you visited her in Canada? If it would be at all possible for you, maybe that would be a good step to make. Not immediately though, and if you end up going, I would try not to have any expectations. Meet her as a friend, and if there is still enough love left between the two of you, maybe meeting in person might rekindle that, perhaps not (just personally, I found that cannot develop feelings through texting, or at least it has never happened to me, even if it has happened to other people, I can only maintain them. I think seeing someone in person always has a much stronger effect when it comes to falling in love).

Hope this was sort of helpful

Edit: I do not wish to demean people who are in relationship which are purely digital and where they have not been able to meet. I am just stating that falling in love via internet-based communication has never happened to me personally, not that it is impossible (truly falling in love is very rare for me anyway).

[anindian]

Your Reason #1 is probably dead on. She literally cannot give you what you demand, and it's adding to the stress of adjusting to a whole new country and culture. In my honest blunt opinion, you should not expect pampering from your girlfriend anyway...you are a grown-up adult who can take full care of yourself, not a little child to be coddled. Pampering should be an unexpected pleasure, not a demanded chore. I realize I'm looking at this through the lens of another culture, so you may take my opinion with a grain of salt, but maybe if were a mature, calculating partner who implements continued action to give space to your stressed partner, she wouldn't feel the need to create space for herself. But, I have no idea what's going on in her head, or whether she'll come back. I would recommend giving her space and not ever pressuring her for affection.
Sorry if this came across as rude! Best of luck!

Firstly, your english is excellent and being a part of the literary team of my college, I cant leave it unappreciated.
About you opinion, I admire and respect it and find it helpful. I am ready to be with her without any expectation of pampering cuz I now understand that she will do that when she feels like. Only one thing to ask my friend, shall I go talk to her and tell her that I might have not been a very good bf but I have found out my problems and we can work on it together and ask her to be back with me OR should I go with the flow and wait for situation to settle before asking her out for patch up?

[anindian]

Hey, I understand how difficult this situation must be for you. From an outsider's point of view I would suggest that she needs time to clear her head a little bit and maybe think things through. I would not pressure her too much, just try to subtly show her that you are still supportive of her and that she means a lot to you, without putting any pressure on her to get back together. It sounds to me like she is going through a difficult time and maybe if she works through it, she will see you in a different light again. So if she still loves you, and her feelings are just suppressed by all the stress and hurt she is going through right now, then maybe she will want to get back together with you.

Sorry if I missed it in your post, but have you visited her in Canada? If it would be at all possible for you, maybe that would be a good step to make. Not immediately though, and if you end up going, I would try not to have any expectations. Meet her as a friend, and if there is still enough love left between the two of you, maybe meeting in person might rekindle that, perhaps not (just personally, I found that cannot develop feelings through texting, or at least it has never happened to me, even if it has happened to other people, I can only maintain them. I think seeing someone in person always has a much stronger effect when it comes to falling in love).

Hope this was sort of helpful

Edit: I do not wish to demean people who are in relationship which are purely digital and where they have not been able to meet. I am just stating that falling in love via internet-based communication has never happened to me personally, not that it is impossible (truly falling in love is very rare for me anyway).

Thanks for taking out time to read and reply.

So in your opinion, should I ask her out now or wait for her to get settled and ask her to be back later?

Ohh and yes, I cannot go to Canada as of now and also not in the coming years. I hence stated that we have parted for indefinite time but I am very optimistic about our future. I really want to marry her if I can.

[Lyra]

In the end, you are the only person who can decided for themselves. I think the wisest thing you can do is not to pressure her and see what happens. I can only give you suggestions, without any assurance that they are right. I think you need to wait, but try to keep your expectations in check, even though I know that will be hard. Try to get her off your mind a little and see how things develop. If she will come back to you is something that perhaps not even she knows at this point in time.

[anindian]

Thanks a lot

[anindian]

In the end, you are the only person who can decided for themselves. I think the wisest thing you can do is not to pressure her and see what happens. I can only give you suggestions, without any assurance that they are right. I think you need to wait, but try to keep your expectations in check, even though I know that will be hard. Try to get her off your mind a little and see how things develop. If she will come back to you is something that perhaps not even she knows at this point in time.

Thanks buddy!

[autumn1790]

My advice would be to wait some more, ask her out again, and if she still needs space, move on and focus on your own life. If she wants you back some day down the road, she will let you know, I'm guessing. But, don't just tell her you have realized your mistake and have changed--prove it by actions.

[anindian]

My advice would be to wait some more, ask her out again, and if she still needs space, move on and focus on your own life. If she wants you back some day down the road, she will let you know, I'm guessing. But, don't just tell her you have realized your mistake and have changed--prove it by actions.

Surely buddy! I am glad I got your opinions in the matter and thanks for being so helpful. Learning is living!

[hmrambling]

I'm not a huge fan of pursuing someone who has broken up with me. If a person wants time and distance, then I need to respect that. I encourage you to take some time for yourself and focus on you. None of us are mind readers to know what her motives were, and we are all strangers on the internet. If it were me, I would have to give her some time and space to keep myself from getting hurt more.

[anindian]

I'm not a huge fan of pursuing someone who has broken up with me. If a person wants time and distance, then I need to respect that. I encourage you to take some time for yourself and focus on you. None of us are mind readers to know what her motives were, and we are all strangers on the internet. If it were me, I would have to give her some time and space to keep myself from getting hurt more.

Thanks mate I get your point. I wish to pursue her cuz I feel that it was my fault somewhere and we can be together if I correct myself. As you said, space and time is needed and I am ready to give that.

[erwin1973]

Persuing is something from the movies. Don't do it. It will only upset the persued person. If someone doesn't want, you can't make them. Respect her choice.

[anindian]

Persuing is something from the movies. Don't do it. It will only upset the persued person. If someone doesn't want, you can't make them. Respect her choice.

I respect her and her choices mate. Thing is, I knw that there is still love but there are some flaws and I am ready to work em out. We cant let our everything just go away right?

[erwin1973]

With the chance by not respecting her choices to throw away that last bit of love, because she feels cornered...