It's a long one, sorry, and thanks in advance. I am 29M in the US, she is 29F with a 10yo daughter in the UK.
Back in March, I joined a messaging app because I saw that it was being used a lot in hook ups and other things. I wanted to try out a FWB type thing. I wanna preface that I've never been one for hookups. I have been in two LTRs and never any hookups or flings or what not. Me being on this app alone is pretty unlike me. Anyway, I joined this group for flirting and meeting people to sext with, and made some friends. I didn't really participate in sexting or anything, I just never clicked with anyone like that. But I was good friends with the European crowd since I was a night owl, and the time difference helped us be in touch.
Anyway, come April the girl in question joins. We'll call her H. She comes in with a storm, beautiful as ever. We're friendly in the group but never really talk much besides that. She definitely seems like the type that is way out of my league and would have nothing to do with me. She's gorgeous, dresses well, is very flirty and aggressive, and I'm basically this nerdy loser. We flirted and joked around some but that was about it. On my birthday, she direct messages me to say happy birthday. I talked with her a little bit, and we kinda just kept going. We talked about everything, she opened up to me about her past (DV, two partners), having a daughter, and much more. I opened up about my past and who I was, some of my flaws. After a week or so things turn sexual, so we kinda started off quick.
Not long into this arrangement, we have a talk where we both indicate we have a crush on each other. Looking back, we already both liked each other, but she made me promise to tell her if that was the case because she didn't want to get hurt. Fast forward some more, we admit we like each other, but decide to keep it going. We keep talking about our dreams and our lives, sexting and flirting. We get along great. In June, someone who lived close to me joined our group and immediately became aggressive with flirting with me. For the most part I fended her off. However, H's phone broke while I was traveling for work. Stupid me thought that she had gotten cold feet about everything, or maybe found someone who lived close to her and was going to date him. I held out for a couple days, but eventually succumbed. I believe this is where everything went to , and it's still early in our story.
I flirted a bit with this new girl, A, for a while. I didn't really send her anything like I did H. The time while H's phone was broken, she used her friend's phone to watch the group chat and saw me and A flirting. Once her phone was fixed, she got upset with me, told me that I was cheating on her. I apologized to her profusely, kept trying to make it right. We argued for a few days, but eventually I called it off. In my mind, we never were in a relationship. She didn't know my last name. We never said we were exclusive. But she still thought I was cheating on her. So I called it off, told her to stop talking to me. She took some cheap shots at me in the group, but that was it.
A couple of weeks later, she messaged me saying she missed me, that she wants me back, to start again. I again apologized to her for what happened, and we seemed okay from there. We talked like normal, got along okay. We had some fights or arguments because of what happened, because she was insecure that I was still chatting with A. I assured her I wasn't, that I called it off with A (I had), and that was that. Not much later there was a falling out with A in the group, so she left. Gone and gone.
In August, H told me she loved me. At first I thought she had misspoken, that she meant it differently. Her English isn't the best. But she did it again a couple of days later. I told her that I was sorry, I wasn't ready to say it yet which upset her. I was on vacation with a friend of mine for a week, so we weren't able to talk as much. She made it known that she missed me, was upset that we couldn't talk as much. A couple of times she even deleted my texts instead of reading them. She wouldn't explain why. A few days later, I told her that I loved her too. I really did. We wanted the same things in life. We talked about a dream house, and kids. She didn't want to get married or have kids (besides her 10yo) before she met me, but she wanted to do those things with me, and I wanted them with her.
In the middle of August, a girl I was kind of friends with in the group chat was coming to my city. We talked in the group about hanging out, grabbing a drink, and decided to talk privately about it. I thought that talking about it in the group would be enough, so I never mentioned it to H. Not to mention she had some insecurities and everything, and this girl wasn't sure she could even meet up. So I didn't say anything to her so that she wouldn't potentially worry over nothing. Needless to say, we did eventually meet up, we grabbed dinner and drinks. This was purely a platonic encounter for both of us. The day after, I told H about the girl's visit and she flipped. We fought for days, me trying to explain that nothing happened and there was nothing wrong.
She said some things to try and anger me, push me away, but I kept holding on. She felt betrayed, that I played her insecurities. I understand what I did was wrong. I should have told her, even if nothing was going to or did happen. I think she blocked me like 3 times but unblocked me to keep arguing. I swear this fight lasted like a week. Eventually, I sent my final message. I apologized, professed my love for her, reassured her nothing happened. She came back later that day, wanting us to work.
These two incidents I think re-wired how I handled things. I became incredibly insecure and paranoid. If I felt like things were going wrong, I would immediately go into panic mode. The nature of our group was for sexting, and she is very open about what she shares with people, whereas I'm not. Some of the things on her Instagram or Snapchat are very provocative and sexual. Sometimes at night I would practically right a book in texts to her because I was so scared of losing her. I could feel her pulling away, so I would go into panic mode and just go nuts. In retrospect, it's a miracle she stuck it out that long.
In early September, I officially asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. We were working through our , or so I thought. A few days later, she sent me a video that she shouldn't have sent anyone (very dirty), but I could tell it was from the group chat app instead of WhatsApp. I called her on it, she denied it. Then, a couple days later, the guy she sent it to started talking about it and I flipped. I couldn't believe it, after everything. I felt so betrayed. I asked her why, she said it was "sweet sweet revenge". That I never cared about her, that I was just a big liar. That Loyalty was everything to her. I blocked her on everything. She even used her daughter's phone to try and text me. I was beside myself that night.
The next day, a friend from the group advised me to just talk to her. I did. She told me that she was sorry, that she did it to get my attention. To make me understand how she felt when I had my thing with A. It became apparent that H already was in love with me, even back then. She told me that that guy meant nothing to her, she just wanted to make me jealous. That she was trying to get over the thing with A, but that other girl ed it all up. That she wanted to be equal and fight our problems together. She sent me screenshots to prove that that was all that happened. She banned and blocked the guy. We agreed that we loved each other, and that I would forgive this because she forgave me, and we continued on.
We worked through these issues, and a week later, I booked a flight to go see her. I think this stressed us both out a lot. I became even more insecure and paranoid, and taking it out on her. And she in turn became more distant. Somehow we managed to hold it together to the trip. The first 4 days were great. Not as much time together as I wanted, but she's a single mom and not ready to bring me into her life. She also had to push back plans we made because she forgot other plans she had with her aunt. I made some comments about tinder still being on her phone, and she told me she just couldn't be bothered to delete it. And i made a couple of comments about how many notifications she gets. She also caught me watching her text. More paranoia.
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Back in March, I joined a messaging app because I saw that it was being used a lot in hook ups and other things. I wanted to try out a FWB type thing. I wanna preface that I've never been one for hookups. I have been in two LTRs and never any hookups or flings or what not. Me being on this app alone is pretty unlike me. Anyway, I joined this group for flirting and meeting people to sext with, and made some friends. I didn't really participate in sexting or anything, I just never clicked with anyone like that. But I was good friends with the European crowd since I was a night owl, and the time difference helped us be in touch.
Anyway, come April the girl in question joins. We'll call her H. She comes in with a storm, beautiful as ever. We're friendly in the group but never really talk much besides that. She definitely seems like the type that is way out of my league and would have nothing to do with me. She's gorgeous, dresses well, is very flirty and aggressive, and I'm basically this nerdy loser. We flirted and joked around some but that was about it. On my birthday, she direct messages me to say happy birthday. I talked with her a little bit, and we kinda just kept going. We talked about everything, she opened up to me about her past (DV, two partners), having a daughter, and much more. I opened up about my past and who I was, some of my flaws. After a week or so things turn sexual, so we kinda started off quick.
Not long into this arrangement, we have a talk where we both indicate we have a crush on each other. Looking back, we already both liked each other, but she made me promise to tell her if that was the case because she didn't want to get hurt. Fast forward some more, we admit we like each other, but decide to keep it going. We keep talking about our dreams and our lives, sexting and flirting. We get along great. In June, someone who lived close to me joined our group and immediately became aggressive with flirting with me. For the most part I fended her off. However, H's phone broke while I was traveling for work. Stupid me thought that she had gotten cold feet about everything, or maybe found someone who lived close to her and was going to date him. I held out for a couple days, but eventually succumbed. I believe this is where everything went to , and it's still early in our story.
I flirted a bit with this new girl, A, for a while. I didn't really send her anything like I did H. The time while H's phone was broken, she used her friend's phone to watch the group chat and saw me and A flirting. Once her phone was fixed, she got upset with me, told me that I was cheating on her. I apologized to her profusely, kept trying to make it right. We argued for a few days, but eventually I called it off. In my mind, we never were in a relationship. She didn't know my last name. We never said we were exclusive. But she still thought I was cheating on her. So I called it off, told her to stop talking to me. She took some cheap shots at me in the group, but that was it.
A couple of weeks later, she messaged me saying she missed me, that she wants me back, to start again. I again apologized to her for what happened, and we seemed okay from there. We talked like normal, got along okay. We had some fights or arguments because of what happened, because she was insecure that I was still chatting with A. I assured her I wasn't, that I called it off with A (I had), and that was that. Not much later there was a falling out with A in the group, so she left. Gone and gone.
In August, H told me she loved me. At first I thought she had misspoken, that she meant it differently. Her English isn't the best. But she did it again a couple of days later. I told her that I was sorry, I wasn't ready to say it yet which upset her. I was on vacation with a friend of mine for a week, so we weren't able to talk as much. She made it known that she missed me, was upset that we couldn't talk as much. A couple of times she even deleted my texts instead of reading them. She wouldn't explain why. A few days later, I told her that I loved her too. I really did. We wanted the same things in life. We talked about a dream house, and kids. She didn't want to get married or have kids (besides her 10yo) before she met me, but she wanted to do those things with me, and I wanted them with her.
In the middle of August, a girl I was kind of friends with in the group chat was coming to my city. We talked in the group about hanging out, grabbing a drink, and decided to talk privately about it. I thought that talking about it in the group would be enough, so I never mentioned it to H. Not to mention she had some insecurities and everything, and this girl wasn't sure she could even meet up. So I didn't say anything to her so that she wouldn't potentially worry over nothing. Needless to say, we did eventually meet up, we grabbed dinner and drinks. This was purely a platonic encounter for both of us. The day after, I told H about the girl's visit and she flipped. We fought for days, me trying to explain that nothing happened and there was nothing wrong.
She said some things to try and anger me, push me away, but I kept holding on. She felt betrayed, that I played her insecurities. I understand what I did was wrong. I should have told her, even if nothing was going to or did happen. I think she blocked me like 3 times but unblocked me to keep arguing. I swear this fight lasted like a week. Eventually, I sent my final message. I apologized, professed my love for her, reassured her nothing happened. She came back later that day, wanting us to work.
These two incidents I think re-wired how I handled things. I became incredibly insecure and paranoid. If I felt like things were going wrong, I would immediately go into panic mode. The nature of our group was for sexting, and she is very open about what she shares with people, whereas I'm not. Some of the things on her Instagram or Snapchat are very provocative and sexual. Sometimes at night I would practically right a book in texts to her because I was so scared of losing her. I could feel her pulling away, so I would go into panic mode and just go nuts. In retrospect, it's a miracle she stuck it out that long.
In early September, I officially asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. We were working through our , or so I thought. A few days later, she sent me a video that she shouldn't have sent anyone (very dirty), but I could tell it was from the group chat app instead of WhatsApp. I called her on it, she denied it. Then, a couple days later, the guy she sent it to started talking about it and I flipped. I couldn't believe it, after everything. I felt so betrayed. I asked her why, she said it was "sweet sweet revenge". That I never cared about her, that I was just a big liar. That Loyalty was everything to her. I blocked her on everything. She even used her daughter's phone to try and text me. I was beside myself that night.
The next day, a friend from the group advised me to just talk to her. I did. She told me that she was sorry, that she did it to get my attention. To make me understand how she felt when I had my thing with A. It became apparent that H already was in love with me, even back then. She told me that that guy meant nothing to her, she just wanted to make me jealous. That she was trying to get over the thing with A, but that other girl ed it all up. That she wanted to be equal and fight our problems together. She sent me screenshots to prove that that was all that happened. She banned and blocked the guy. We agreed that we loved each other, and that I would forgive this because she forgave me, and we continued on.
We worked through these issues, and a week later, I booked a flight to go see her. I think this stressed us both out a lot. I became even more insecure and paranoid, and taking it out on her. And she in turn became more distant. Somehow we managed to hold it together to the trip. The first 4 days were great. Not as much time together as I wanted, but she's a single mom and not ready to bring me into her life. She also had to push back plans we made because she forgot other plans she had with her aunt. I made some comments about tinder still being on her phone, and she told me she just couldn't be bothered to delete it. And i made a couple of comments about how many notifications she gets. She also caught me watching her text. More paranoia.
Continued below
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