Timezones and anxiety
Hello, everyone. I'm relatively new here, but I came here because I've read some posts on here before and they've kind of helped me gain perspective on certain issues in the past. Recently however, I've come into an issue that feels a bit... Unique. Even though I'm sure a lot of you have been where I am right now.
I'm going to go ahead and give a little bit of a primer on this before I get into what's on my mind. The girl I'm dating and I met over tumblr. We started as roleplay partners and realized the two of us had actual chemistry beyond just the characters we wrote for. She and I have known each other for around eight months now since we met in March of this year.Realistically speaking, that isn't a long time, but she and I have made tremendous progress over the course of the time we've known each other. Especially since she realized her crush later on. So, let's say she's been in love with me for about four to five months?
Before all of this began, I told one of my closest friends how I felt about this girl. She's kind, free spirited, giving, determined. I could go on. Those of you who know someone like this probably know the feelings and the attachment that comes with them. However, I told him with the intent on killing these feelings. Me meeting this girl was one in a million, or at least, so I thought. And I also thought the distance would be the end before things even began. This gets into the main issue, I'm letting fear sabotage the relationship.
Cut to now, and we've had our first date. The distance hasn't been something I've been worried about, nor has it been something she's worried about. Things have been going pretty well too, considering we'd planned a second date before the first was even half way done. The issue is, I'm a fairly highly strung person. I have a lot issues with anxiety and self doubt that either manifest in anger or a severely draining anxiety. The anger isn't so much a thing I've been feeling, because I have no reason to, but I can at times blow up into a ball of insecurity and it's making it to where certain things are difficult.
Anyone who's dealt with the type of person I'm talking about knows that their words are honest and true and there's no deeper meaning. Their uncertainty with a situation stems from the fact that they really aren't sure about a thing. My S/O isn't sure about how she feels about the long term at the moment. We're not boyfriend or girlfriend, even though I know we have a chance at making this work and from what she's shown me, she at least wants that too. I feel emotion like an intense explosion where it hits me all at once, she feels emotion by having it blossom out, and I'm okay with that. That's perfectly fine.
Recently however, my self assured attitude has faded a bit in the face of just now having come off the first date. There were missteps as there always are, and she and I will work through them. However, there's a reason why the missteps happened on my end that I can't seem to totally shake. One night I kind of had a panic attack about the fact that she was getting a new job. Living in the UK, she's five hours ahead of me and since it would be shift work with irregular hours, I for some reason got this notion I'd never be able to talk to her and the relationship would die because we'd be unable to communicate.
Currently, she doesn't know what her hours even are. Irregular could be a good thing for all I know and it isn't like she won't have days off. I brought this up to her, asking her how she could justify loving someone with the issues I do when she's going into a job that's stressful and I'm half-way around the world, which as we all know, is something that should never be asked. Love is a face value type of thing and I'm usually good at seeing it like that. She told me she didn't know, but she said she didn't know because if I couldn't support her, things would fall apart. My fear of losing her in this is making to where I'm not able to really be there for her and I'm finally coming out of it. We've still talked about the second date as if it's happening, so I'm assuming she isn't all that worried about this and she's taking a "we'll look at the situation when it actually happens" approach. Which is reasonable. The problem is, I'm not being reasonable and I've found it a bit hard to ground myself.
The thing is, the anxiety I feel about the way our lives may somehow, for some reason, do a complete 180 and take away our ability to have a relationship is making to where I'm taking too much from her. Asking for reassurance about things that she can't reassure me on since she doesn't know. I catch myself asking her sometimes about if she knows how she feels about the long term yet, when I'm really asking if she WANTS things to be long term because I'm afraid her answer might be no. Even though if it was, she would more than likely have left by now and she really hasn't had much time to process her feelings on this. I had all the time I wanted to take to figure out if she was the one for me or not and when I was sure, I asked. This is a luxury she didn't get because I asked her.
Similarly I asked her all this stuff about how her job is going to make her feel when she doesn't know that yet either and it makes her feel like she can't provide me what I seem to want in a relationship, when in reality, she already does. Hearing that from her was heartbreaking and it was a wake-up call that I need to do something.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar thing of timezones, distance, and mental illness causing a problem like this? If so, how did you deal with it?
I'm going to go ahead and give a little bit of a primer on this before I get into what's on my mind. The girl I'm dating and I met over tumblr. We started as roleplay partners and realized the two of us had actual chemistry beyond just the characters we wrote for. She and I have known each other for around eight months now since we met in March of this year.Realistically speaking, that isn't a long time, but she and I have made tremendous progress over the course of the time we've known each other. Especially since she realized her crush later on. So, let's say she's been in love with me for about four to five months?
Before all of this began, I told one of my closest friends how I felt about this girl. She's kind, free spirited, giving, determined. I could go on. Those of you who know someone like this probably know the feelings and the attachment that comes with them. However, I told him with the intent on killing these feelings. Me meeting this girl was one in a million, or at least, so I thought. And I also thought the distance would be the end before things even began. This gets into the main issue, I'm letting fear sabotage the relationship.
Cut to now, and we've had our first date. The distance hasn't been something I've been worried about, nor has it been something she's worried about. Things have been going pretty well too, considering we'd planned a second date before the first was even half way done. The issue is, I'm a fairly highly strung person. I have a lot issues with anxiety and self doubt that either manifest in anger or a severely draining anxiety. The anger isn't so much a thing I've been feeling, because I have no reason to, but I can at times blow up into a ball of insecurity and it's making it to where certain things are difficult.
Anyone who's dealt with the type of person I'm talking about knows that their words are honest and true and there's no deeper meaning. Their uncertainty with a situation stems from the fact that they really aren't sure about a thing. My S/O isn't sure about how she feels about the long term at the moment. We're not boyfriend or girlfriend, even though I know we have a chance at making this work and from what she's shown me, she at least wants that too. I feel emotion like an intense explosion where it hits me all at once, she feels emotion by having it blossom out, and I'm okay with that. That's perfectly fine.
Recently however, my self assured attitude has faded a bit in the face of just now having come off the first date. There were missteps as there always are, and she and I will work through them. However, there's a reason why the missteps happened on my end that I can't seem to totally shake. One night I kind of had a panic attack about the fact that she was getting a new job. Living in the UK, she's five hours ahead of me and since it would be shift work with irregular hours, I for some reason got this notion I'd never be able to talk to her and the relationship would die because we'd be unable to communicate.
Currently, she doesn't know what her hours even are. Irregular could be a good thing for all I know and it isn't like she won't have days off. I brought this up to her, asking her how she could justify loving someone with the issues I do when she's going into a job that's stressful and I'm half-way around the world, which as we all know, is something that should never be asked. Love is a face value type of thing and I'm usually good at seeing it like that. She told me she didn't know, but she said she didn't know because if I couldn't support her, things would fall apart. My fear of losing her in this is making to where I'm not able to really be there for her and I'm finally coming out of it. We've still talked about the second date as if it's happening, so I'm assuming she isn't all that worried about this and she's taking a "we'll look at the situation when it actually happens" approach. Which is reasonable. The problem is, I'm not being reasonable and I've found it a bit hard to ground myself.
The thing is, the anxiety I feel about the way our lives may somehow, for some reason, do a complete 180 and take away our ability to have a relationship is making to where I'm taking too much from her. Asking for reassurance about things that she can't reassure me on since she doesn't know. I catch myself asking her sometimes about if she knows how she feels about the long term yet, when I'm really asking if she WANTS things to be long term because I'm afraid her answer might be no. Even though if it was, she would more than likely have left by now and she really hasn't had much time to process her feelings on this. I had all the time I wanted to take to figure out if she was the one for me or not and when I was sure, I asked. This is a luxury she didn't get because I asked her.
Similarly I asked her all this stuff about how her job is going to make her feel when she doesn't know that yet either and it makes her feel like she can't provide me what I seem to want in a relationship, when in reality, she already does. Hearing that from her was heartbreaking and it was a wake-up call that I need to do something.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar thing of timezones, distance, and mental illness causing a problem like this? If so, how did you deal with it?
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