Worried I'm losing interest

[justsomeone]

My boyfriend and I have visited each other altogether six times since we started seeing each other (one and a half years ago). But on this last little Christmas visit of his, something felt off. I wasn't really able to appreciate that he was here and I felt like any tiny argument would just strengthen our differences. I don't know if I'm falling out of love with him or whether I'm just feeling down and pessimistic.

So when he left, I experienced mixed feelings. I felt very sad that he left, but also some relief (the relief is new). I kept changing between feeling indifferent and sad that first day after his departure. The next day, I felt angry, frustrated and depressed... and I think it was because I felt more of that loss, but no less of that "off" feeling. The previous times a visit ended, calling him was a comfort, but now that I worry my feelings might be changing, it's not enough. I've even talked to him about all of this (which normally helps because we're good at communication), but it doesn't help as I've noticed that the more I talk about it, the more I hurt him.

I'm so scared that I might be falling out of love, because he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's my best friend. I'm 100% comfortable around him, keep no secrets from him, share wonderful inside jokes and laughs with him, I'm attracted to him, trust him with all my heart and value so many of his traits and skills.

But something's keeping me from feeling the bliss.

I should perhaps mention some reasons for why I think (and hope) it could just be a passing thing. Okay, simplest thing first.. I come from far up North in Europe and I get a little depressed in winter when it's very cold and the sun disappears for several months. This Christmas, we weren't that many family members celebrating Christmas together as we might normally be, and so I didn't have much of a Christmas spirit either. Didn't really see much point in keeping up with the traditions (was kind of a Grinch) but played along anyway.

Then to the more complex thing: my boyfriend has grown up in Western Europe but is originally from South Asia. A few weeks before visiting me, he told his family about me and they did not take it well. They tried to get him to break up with me through several discussions. He told me about the things they said, and it really made us lose sight of that light in the end of the tunnel. The one that all the time has reassured me that we will make it. Some things they said were: I will not be happy living in his country in the long run, we won't last more than a few years, he might not be able to finish his studies (he struggles a little bit) and could end up in a dead end job and drag me down with him, it will be years before he's economically ready to start a family, I don't understand his family's culture, and so on... those mixed with my own insecurities paints the future black: I'm very shy and therefore often insecure, feeling like a social failure and dealing with social situations I'm not comfortable with on a daily basis. Loads of opportunities for unhappiness to plant its seed, right? We tried not to let the doubt get to us, though.

My boyfriend told me that only if his parents got critically ill because of this situation (they're very emotional people. And getting old), would he feel forced to cancel the Christmas trip, or worse, break up. Then, two days before he was to visit, his father ended up in the hospital. I cried for hours, thinking it was the end. My boyfriend texted me once they knew what was wrong. I've no idea if it was caused by stress or not, but it turned out to be something harmless. Luckily.

So yeah... knowing how much pressure my boyfriend has had from his family just for being with me, makes me feel even worse about myself. And although I'm trying to let my mind rest, and not overthink and assume the worst, I can't help doing it. It makes me feel super guilty, and the feeling is suffocating. I couldn't sleep tonight because of all the thoughts churning in my mind, and that's why it's now past 6 a.m and I'm writing in this forum.

My boyfriend and I are each other's first relationship. It means that every up and down in the relationship is new territory. So.. don't really know what's normal and what's not with certain things.

If anyone else has gone through something similar, I'd love to hear about it. Any advice is also greatly appreciated.

[Rezie]

I felt similar when I was getting sick of the distance. It was easier to sabotage the relationship and fall out of love than actually deal with the distance, moving, figuring out the relationship. We were in LDR for a very long time and some resentment grew with that time since we had no plan. only hypotheticals.

I think in your case it might be talking your self out of the relationship because of his family. not being together would be the easier solution for you. do you have a plan to close the distance? I think you should talk about your feelings and how he feels about the family and what is your plan for the future. Also try to meet up relatively soon cause sometimes the visits are just off.

[autumn1790]

My bf's parents are also against our relationship, so much so that he never tells them anything about me and everything we do has to be in secret. It can be a real downer sometimes, and when I think about a future of probable conflict with his family, I feel like a terrible match for him. However, he is the one choosing me, so if that's what he wants, I'm coming along because it's what I want. He is an adult and can make his own choices, and I need to let him make them.
Is this what you want? Can you see yourself with someone else?

[TaraMarie]

I have also felt that way over the years. And I always realizes it was because I thought we would never end the distance. Fortunately, my husband fought for us every single time, and now, after five years he is officially moving here full time this weekend. I'm glad he never gave up on us, but I totally understand how you feel, because I've been there too many times.

[erwin1973]

I myself am in the lucky situation that her parents approve. Only my parents don't... She worries about that a lot and every two months or so that pops up in our conversations. I keep reassuring her that either my parents will like her, or I will break contact with my parents. I still think the first, because I have the feeling they will. Why? Because they want me to be happy in the end. And if they don't, I am still choosing for my girls. Because I can't see myself with anyone else then with Eve.

[justsomeone]

Thanks for your feedback, it really helps.

We don't have a plan yet, unfortunately. It's all quite vague... He must finish his studies and I'm thinking of going back to studying again. Maybe after that, if we're able to find jobs in the same place, we'll close the distance... Although I have my doubts whether we'll be alright in the end, this is what I want. I can't see myself with anyone else.

We're planning on seeing each other again in February, though, so I really hope I'll be able to be more positive then

[Rezie]

Sometimes the visits are just off. I rememeb one visit with my boyfriend that I seriously considered going home after one night. It was so awkward. It felt like I was meetingan old friend from high school that we hadn't spoken in 10 years and we had nothing in common anymore. But then the next visit was completely fine again. Sometimes you just have the off weekends when you usually stay home alone. Our off weekend happend to be on the meetup weekend.

So I'm sure next visit will be nice. Just talk on the phone like usual, try not to consinsentrate on the parents since you have time to sort it out as long as your partner is willing to stand up to the parents. and his father in hospital was just a weird occurence.

[samalamadingdong]

It's a lot of pressure with his parents current views.

It's so hard without a plan or date or goal to count down, I'm struggling with it right now. Hang in there x

Best wishes

[MikeLee]

This seems like a tricky situation. In most relationships there will always be a cerberus gatekeeper called parents, which is not always the easiest to deal with. For why you are feeling off love could be because of the hardships lately putting a lot of stress and pressure on you. Or it could just be a period where you have this feeling, it could be for many reasons. It may not be easy and very troubling in your heart but take it as a hurdle that you both need to get through. I had many hurdles in my LDR but everytime we get over them, our love just get deeper. I mean you did say that he's the best that ever happend to you, so there must be a good reason behind it. Hardships are never easy but you just gotta stick together and get over it, the days that comes after will just be so much brighter. But if you decide to walk away from it because of a moments hardship, you may regret it later on. If you both means the world to each other, what else is there to be afraid of? . At least you have my support (y).

A good start for the issue with her parents, may be to understand why they are against you being together. Is it culture? Distance? Well most parents have their own thoughts. It feels bad that they are not accepting or approving the relationship. I believe though if you both can prove to them that it can work, they shouldn't have any issue with it. Perhaps you both can also lay low with your relationship until you are confident that have what it takes to be together (study, job etc).

Rooting for you both, good luck! .