Getting discouraged, need advice

[cigarettes.after.sex]

Hi everyone, so glad I found this community because I don't know too many people IRL who can relate to the whole LDR thing...

My boyfriend and I met online in May of 2017 and clicked instantly. I knew from the moment I started talking to him that I was going to fall hard, and I did. Now we have been together for 8 months, going on 9, and I feel that my love for him continues to grow, if that's even possible.

We have never met in real life, but lately I haven't been able to get the idea off my mind. I'm at the point where I am definitely ready to take the plunge if he is. Two problems: 1) I live in America and he lives in Latvia. 2) I can't convince him to even consider meeting each other IRL because he says it would be too hard for him, finally getting to experience each other in person and getting to do all the things we talk about all the time, then being torn apart again and only getting to see each other once or twice a year after that. He says it would break him.

We live almost 6,000 miles apart and we are 19 and 20 years old, both in college and working, so it's not exactly feasible to just drop everything and fly to Latvia or him to fly to America. We would have to wait until summer, which is another 6 months away and who knows what can happen within that time frame. And even then, I'm still not totally sure I could get him to agree to meet up.

The other thing is that even if we did wait for each other, meet IRL, fall even deeper in love and connect on an entirely different level, I'm really not sure there could ever be a happy ending for us. I think he's perfect for me, especially if our chemistry in person is as amazing as it is virtually, and I would probably eventually want to close the distance. But he says he wouldn't move to America, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't move to Latvia either. I love him so much, but the more I think about it, the bleaker the situation seems.

We've talked every day since we met, and lately we have been Skyping every day too, for hours at a time. We truly cannot seem to get enough of each other. But in online relationships, I feel like there's supposed to be some kind of end goal, i.e. meeting in person and seeing where that takes you, and not just talking over text and Skype for months and possibly years with no outcome, something that is basically pointless in my opinion...I don't know how much longer I can take loving him this much and not being able to do anything about it. At the same time, though, I can't see myself letting him go. I wish it didn't have to be this hard and painful.

What do you think you would do if you were in my situation? Should we break it off and try to move on, or should we keep talking and see what happens? Do you think that if it is meant to be, it will be, or is the relationship completely pointless? Has anyone been in a similar predicament?

Thanks so much.

[Caro1]

Hi!
Welcome to the forum!


I agree with your feeling of there needing to be an end goal.
An end goal to me does not just mean meeting in person, but closing the distance.

Some people feel differently about it - calling it a semi permanent long distance relationship. But I think that's mainly the older generation (no offense), who have already experienced a lot in life, maybe are a marriage and divorce and kids into life.
I'm 24, working full time, getting my masters at night, never been married, no children, German, my SO is from the USA also. I just cannot see myself waiting forever. I feel like I would be missing out on getting to experience all of those things. And that doesn't necessarily have to be marriage or kids, but I sure would like to be able to go to the movies, go on a date night, just have dinner together, be hugged and loved in person.
I'm committed to waiting for that happy ending until we can close the distance, but I'm not willing to wait forever with no ending in sight ever.

The sentence that stuck out to me the most in your post was you saying he doesn't want to move to the US and you don't want to move to Latvia.
With my expectations that means you would have to agree on a third country to move to, that you both can see yourself living in, or break it off.
I understand that sounds harsh and it's obviously easier said than done dealing with all of those feelings involved, but seeing no possible happy ending is a show-stopper for me.

Even if you could agree on a third country to live in, I would not feel comfortable making this kind of decision without having met my SO in person. Sometimes the chemistry you feel online just isn't there in person. So before making a move like that, I would want to be sure.
Since you are both in college, maybe one of you could work it out to study abroad and get to spend some time together that way, if the summer's don't work out. There's a lot of scholarships for US-Students to study in Europe and if you didn't want to study in Latvia, there is also ERASMUS scholarships for Europeans to study in a different country in Europe. So again suggesting to meet in a third country.

But all of that comes back to him not wanting to meet you. If he doesn't want to, you can't force him to, but at that point I would break it off.
I feel like waiting around for something that's never going to happen just takes away time that you could have spend better. As in trying to find someone you can actually be with at some point.

I would suggest to talk to him about this. Communicating with each other is all you have in a long distance relationship.
Ask him about his expectations, tell him yours. If they are not compatible and both of you are not willing to compromise on it, then it might just not be meant to be.