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Not sure if a LDR or not

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    Not sure if a LDR or not

    Hi, Im new here and wanted to share my story so far (in condensed form) to get some advice.

    I came to the US for a year on a work related program, 4/5 months before having to leave and return to my home country, I met a guy. I wasnt looking for anything or have any expectations, either did he. We ht it off, every time we see each other we have a great time, no complaints, we were going out to dinner, sports games, bars, sometimes he'd stay over, sometimes not. It was great. Due to his anxiety issues, he isnt ready for a relationship or anything serious, and that was fine because I had to leave the US (although my goal is to return for much longer - currently working this out through the comapny i work for). However, towards the time when I had to come away from the US (a week ago) we spent a bit more time together (due to me leaving) which was great. He is a slow burner.. taking 4 months to hold my hand lol (this is him being careful about his anxiety, its relationship based). I think in my head i thought that id get on my flight and that would be it over. However, he kept asking how we'd stay in touch, was it expensive to text etc. We now have Skype and text through that since ive been gone. The day I left was emotional (i saw him the night before) and we had long texts about why he has anxiety etc, and I find we have been through the same sort of stuff, so i understand whee he is coming from). I texted him when i landed to make sure the skype thing worked and since then we have communicated each day. I miss having him around and being able to see and talk to him (we are gonna video call) and he said the same. Although before I left he said he wasnt ready for a relationship, I acted a bit not-fussed and he said he loves seeing me, loves having me around and it didnt mean he wanted that to change.
    It seems since ive gone that he does miss me. Im flying out for a week in 2 weeks time (so 3 weeks since ive seen him) and we will see each other (im not staying with him though, we both like our independence, and his anxiety is less when he has a place to be on his own).
    What am I doing? All i know is that we always get on great, like nothing before, and I miss him. This feels totally different to previous guys. I know he's not ready for a relationshp, but during the 5 months we went out, slept together, did everything that would constitute a relationship. He says he starts feeling and then he is scared it takes him back to his dark place (due to previous relationship stuff) and then he would have to start work on himself from the beginning again. I guess if we had known each other longer he would see that because Ive been where he is (mentally), i understand. Id fight this with him (and ive said so).
    Help, Ive been in my country a week and I feel I am all over the place. Not sure I should think about stuff or just enjoy the good times? Or does this need some sort of commitment if we want to keep seeing each other eevry 3-4 weeks? My goal is to get back out there ASAP job wise. (sorry, i think my post jumps around a lot, a bit like my thoughts

    #2
    Hello and Welcome. It's hard to say what would be best for your situation, as I've never had to help someone with anxiety and only have a mild case myself. However often the advice when it comes to mental health is to tell them to go see a professional - because often no matter how hard you try to help and be supportive it can be a lot to handle. Since you spent 4/5 months with this guy and he doesn't want to say you are dating I'd say for me thats a sign that you really shouldn't try and force anything, let him set the pace and maybe see if he would ever want to go out to you. Most importantly focus on yourself and your thoughts and problems - are you willing to wait for him to open up and commit to dating you while you put in the work to travel back and forth? Are you both exclusive or is he still allowed to see others during your away time?
    First Met Online: April 2016
    Started Going Out: September 18, 2016
    First Meeting: Jan 11-18, 2017
    Next Meeting: Nov 8-12, 2018

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      #3
      I'm in a very similar situation to you. We dated for the same amount of time in person before I had to leave. All I can suggest is what I'm doing for my own sanity. Set an amount of time that you are willing to continue the relationship in this undefined space. When that time is up, bring up the "what are we?" conversation again and decide whether his answer it is worth the time/energy that you are investing. Someone once said to me "If a relationship is not growing, it is dying." While that's a bit drastic, I do think there's a grain of truth to it in the first year together. A sense of progress is important.
      Last edited by paperplane; March 18, 2018, 06:45 PM.

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        #4
        Thanks for the replies. Yes, we arent seeing anyone else (and havent the whole time). It s progressing.. slowly, but thats ok with me. I know what he's been through (ive been there a long time ago, so i understand). Yes I agree i need to set myself a time limit, which I will do.

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          #5
          we do everything that youd expect in a relationship.

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