Has anyone had a positive experience with a partner that was slow to become official?

[paperplane]

To keep it short, we dated exclusively in person for 4 months before I had to leave. He was afraid to commit to making it official because “what if you never come back?” Which I understand, though the irony is not lost on me that if he committed it would be much easier to come back!

So I was emotionally preparing for the relationship to demote to just friends once I landed in my country. I bawled in his arms the night before I left. I sniffled in the airport. I watched LaLa Land and bawled at our timeline. By the time I landed I had accepted that it was more or less over, only to find a bunch of sweet messages waiting for me when I regained phone service.
Instead he’s initiated Skyping me twice in a week and we’ve messaged a few times a day, all cute romantic messages. It still feels like a relationship. I’m trying not to freak out about the future and just enjoy it for what it is now, but at 29, I can’t afford to give much more time to someone who is unwilling to plan a visit or call me his girlfriend. I’m giving it 1.5 months before we have to at least plan a visit, and if the relationship is showing no more signs of moving forward I have to back out for my own sanity. With the deadline I can free my mind to focus on my personal goals instead of going in circles over him.
That being said, he’s the best person I’ve ever dated and the short time we spent together was the healthiest, most nurturing relationship I’ve been in.

But I would love to, in the meantime, hear any stories similar where one party was afraid to jump in and eventually warmed up. I’m very good at convincing myself that he’s a day away from fading out of my life. It’s only been a week and I know it only gets harder. Some hope would be nice to indulge in as well.

[Ali Schnee]

Hey there! From my own experience: me and my bf also took it more or less really slow, because the future was extremely insecure as we both realized that we are more than buddies. It took us 5 months of skyping nearly every day and writing literally all the time to put the facebook status and make it "official".

Its hard to give a good advise, because only you know about what you talk and how you and him imagine the future. But I can tell you: Don`t give up too soon. Give it time! Nothing runs away from you, let the story write itself a bit... If you feel good with this person, its worth taking a chance, because if you won't take a chance, one day you will be sitting in your rocking chair as a 80 years old and ask yourself looking back "what would be if...?". Talk with him about your insecurities, if the relationship is that harmonic for you, he will understand your worries, donīt be afraid to appear "needy", ldr has different rules.

Best of luck!

[paperplane]

Hey there! From my own experience: me and my bf also took it more or less really slow, because the future was extremely insecure as we both realized that we are more than buddies. It took us 5 months of skyping nearly every day and writing literally all the time to put the facebook status and make it "official".

Its hard to give a good advise, because only you know about what you talk and how you and him imagine the future. But I can tell you: Don`t give up too soon. Give it time! Nothing runs away from you, let the story write itself a bit... If you feel good with this person, its worth taking a chance, because if you won't take a chance, one day you will be sitting in your rocking chair as a 80 years old and ask yourself looking back "what would be if...?". Talk with him about your insecurities, if the relationship is that harmonic for you, he will understand your worries, donīt be afraid to appear "needy", ldr has different rules.

Best of luck!

Thank you for replying
It’s hard because he ideally wants a relationship to evolve the traditional way, with our lives gradually merging. He even said that if I didn’t have to leave he would have loved to have made it official, but the idea of the LDR with no end in sight, scares him. He also said “what if you moved here for me, and it didn’t work out?” So there’s a lot of fear....But like you said I think it would be terrible to wake up at 80 and tell my grandkids about the one that got away. I like the words “let the story write itself a bit...”

[erwin1973]

That's normal fears and thoughts he has, and you have. Your relationship is young. And with 29, you're not old yet. If you really have feelings for him and it is mutual, I would seriously give it a try. LDR's can be great, especially with the right person.
Make sure to take him in your life, do not build your life around him. Start planning a visit, and take one step at the time.
My lady and me are almost 19 months into our LDR and we are sadly still nevermets, although the date is drawing nearer. I'm looking forward to it. So, try to enjoy it and don't let 'wellmeant' negative advise from friends and family disturb you.

[paperplane]

That's normal fears and thoughts he has, and you have. Your relationship is young. And with 29, you're not old yet. If you really have feelings for him and it is mutual, I would seriously give it a try. LDR's can be great, especially with the right person.
Make sure to take him in your life, do not build your life around him. Start planning a visit, and take one step at the time.
My lady and me are almost 19 months into our LDR and we are sadly still nevermets, although the date is drawing nearer. I'm looking forward to it. So, try to enjoy it and don't let 'wellmeant' negative advise from friends and family disturb you.

I am all about giving it a try.
He's the one who doesn't want to commit to it right now. When we were in person, we discussed visits and he would just say, "but then what?" and the convo fizzled out. It's evolved to a "not yet" which is slightly better but I don't want to mess around like this for very long. I may not be super old but I want to have a kid by 35.

So as you said, one step at a time. Every time he messages me it makes me smile and I try to do the same, and focus on building a a life that I would be proud to share with him.

[erwin1973]

It is as has been said before: do you want to wait for him and give it a try, or do you not? If you don't, then don't, and find someone who is willing to commit. If you do, give it a try and sacrifice a year or two to see what happens...

[Wambby]

I was the slow one to committ in my relationship. It took at least 2 months of him calling and skyping everyday before I finally told him I liked him a lot. Its just that LDR's are scary and full of unknown. Even now, eventhough I am committed to our realtionship we still have the "where is this going?" talk because I just overthink things. so take it slow with him, If he wants to committ, he will. I think your plan is good.

[paperplane]

I was the slow one to committ in my relationship. It took at least 2 months of him calling and skyping everyday before I finally told him I liked him a lot. Its just that LDR's are scary and full of unknown. Even now, eventhough I am committed to our realtionship we still have the "where is this going?" talk because I just overthink things. so take it slow with him, If he wants to committ, he will. I think your plan is good.

Uggh i'm overthinking it so much today I think it's hormones currently so I'm trying not to get myself into a mess about it. He sent me a cute photo and I cried because of how happy he makes me, and then cried because I have so many decisions to make in my own life and feel like I shouldn't factor him into them, but also wish i just, could.

[hmrambling]

Has anyone had a positive experience with a partner that was slow to become official?

Yes. But YMMV.

My situation may be very different from yours.

My story: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-my-girlfriend

[karikala]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.... My situation was quite different, but there are still some parallels I think My girlfriend and I met online. After 5 months of talking p much everyday, sending packages to each other, collaborating on big art projects, etc, we finally admitted we had feelings for each other. then there was something like "Well, there's obviously this problem with distance...but if that wasn't a problem, wanna go out?" / it eventually got to a point that was- we were definitely together, but we didn't call ourselves "in a relationship" until much later.
With so many countries between us (and financial and societal worries), things were so, so uncertain. It was scary and lonely. And I did have doubts sometimes.... I wondered if I should leave this behind, for both of our own well-being... But I did love her. I knew this deep down beneath everything.

We didn't actually call each other "girlfriend" or whatever until after we met, several months later. Now, it's been nearly 3 years. We've met irl for a total of ~4.5 months, and those were always the best times of my year. As life goes on, the situations surrounding you will change. Things will come up that make one thing possible that wasn't possible before (this was the case for many of the worries my gf and I had at the start, when we admitted feelings to each other). I'm sorry you are struggling so much here; it must be difficult to spend so much time together and then be separated. That will cause a huge shift in lifestyle that can feel daunting. And this is where I think his worries are coming from. It is scary, I absolutely sympathize with that. But - from my experience at least, you can love someone, deeply, and still be too afraid to put a label of "relationship" on it. Thankfully, my gf and I were on the same page with this. But if that's too difficult with you to cope with, which is also completely understandable, I hope you and your bf can find a compromise. I hope this could help at least shed some light on what he might be feeling, and I hope the best for you, whatever may happen.

[Wambby]

*hug*
It looks you both have a lot to think about, you are doing the right thing though. Also, let yourself enjoy the things he is doing for you too! its cute and fun and if your time lis limited, then you will have the best memories to think back on. But really, if he is sending you cute stuff and giving you attention, maybe its going in a good direction!
Good luck and I am looking forward to your updates!

[paperplane]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.... My situation was quite different, but there are still some parallels I think My girlfriend and I met online. After 5 months of talking p much everyday, sending packages to each other, collaborating on big art projects, etc, we finally admitted we had feelings for each other. then there was something like "Well, there's obviously this problem with distance...but if that wasn't a problem, wanna go out?" / it eventually got to a point that was- we were definitely together, but we didn't call ourselves "in a relationship" until much later.
With so many countries between us (and financial and societal worries), things were so, so uncertain. It was scary and lonely. And I did have doubts sometimes.... I wondered if I should leave this behind, for both of our own well-being... But I did love her. I knew this deep down beneath everything.

We didn't actually call each other "girlfriend" or whatever until after we met, several months later. Now, it's been nearly 3 years. We've met irl for a total of ~4.5 months, and those were always the best times of my year. As life goes on, the situations surrounding you will change. Things will come up that make one thing possible that wasn't possible before (this was the case for many of the worries my gf and I had at the start, when we admitted feelings to each other). I'm sorry you are struggling so much here; it must be difficult to spend so much time together and then be separated. That will cause a huge shift in lifestyle that can feel daunting. And this is where I think his worries are coming from. It is scary, I absolutely sympathize with that. But - from my experience at least, you can love someone, deeply, and still be too afraid to put a label of "relationship" on it. Thankfully, my gf and I were on the same page with this. But if that's too difficult with you to cope with, which is also completely understandable, I hope you and your bf can find a compromise. I hope this could help at least shed some light on what he might be feeling, and I hope the best for you, whatever may happen.

We do have some things in common! Reading it made me feel better, thank you I need to get out of my own head. Days that he is quiet, which happen during the week due to his job and, you know, LIFE, I can get into a really negative spiral that he's losing interest unless he shows very obvious displays of affection. Since I just moved back home, I have been trying to make sure the life I build here doesn't revolve around him and the big question of whether what I do here affects us in the future- because theres no way to really know.

[Blanket]

Hello. I'm new here and I would just like to say how thankful I am to have found this website.

Believe me when I say yours is nothing close to how slow my relationship with my s/o is. We have been talking for a year and 5 months now, have done all the things a couple would do except making it "official".

Hang in there!