Huge Insecurity/fear of abandonment issues

[paperplane]

This is an emotional vomit. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I don't even know if I want advice, I just feel like shit.
I have so many other things to focus on but when I get set off like this it's all I can do not to refresh messenger and obsess like a madwoman.

I'm having a lot of trouble just...letting go of control in this relationship. If he errs from his normal patterns (which I'm psycho from even being aware of), I start to jump to conclusions that he's with another girl and then my mind spins out of control..."he lost interest in me, I couldn't keep his attention, I'm not good enough" all that good ol' abandoment issue stuff. I'm making an effort to really use this as an opportunity to work through my issues, because it's exhausting.

It doesn't help that we aren't "official". We dated in person for a few months before I had to leave, and when we discussed options, he was afraid to commit to an LDR. But when I landed, he kept talking to me, using terms of endearment, being really lovey, and I thought maybe he had changed his mind.

Lately though, things have faded...our calls are fine but there's no passion. I've been holding back, afraid that he doesn't reciprocate, and he's been...doing his own thing, oblivious, probably, and just vaguely aware that I'm not as fun to talk to. When I hang up I immediately wonder if I said anything wrong, was I too boring, did I talk too much? Not enough? I want to ask for reassurance that he still feels the same way that he did when I left. I also feel guilty for wanting to ask for this, like I'm being too needy.

I'm afraid he's going to go looking for sex elsewhere...and it's triggering my insecurities really intensely. I'm afraid to bring these up to him because I don't want to pressure him or scare him away. I hoped that if I just gave him time, he would come around to the idea, and then we could talk about actually visiting and seeing eachother again... but I'm afraid to even discuss it with him because honestly I'm afraid that it might be our final conversation depending on how it goes. The tiptoeing around my feelings is making me someone I wouldn't even want to date, so I know I need to just do it...it just, it's scary.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel crazy and sad and alone.

[kittyo9]

TL;DR of everything else below, I'm sorry you feel so stressed by your relationship! It sounds to me like not having a "label" on the relationship is significantly contributing to your anxiety. Some people just do not do well in certain situations, and I think it would be better if you had a talk with your SO and told them that you're either all-in or all-out, no in between. A lot of times it's those "between" places that cause the most stress. You should be able to be honest with your SO, and your relationship shouldn't suffer because of it.

I've had a few relationships that have had elements of your situation in them. In one, we were LD but never "labeled" the relationship, and I was constantly worried that if I made a wrong move, he'd start looking elsewhere. Well, he did start turning elsewhere for his wants/needs, but not because of me. At that time I didn't have a strong enough grasp on what a healthy relationship was to realize that I should have walked away. It was a VERY messy "break-up" and I ended up asking him to stop contacting me. I was hurt and miserable, but with time, I realized that I was bending over backwards to accommodate him just so that he wouldn't take his "business" elsewhere. That's not how a good relationship should work, and I made the right move by removing him from my life.

I have many times in many relationships been afraid to express my doubts, fears, and concerns for fear of "scaring" my SO away. In the bad relationships, my SO would get offended and we'd argue over them, which ultimately would deteriorate the quality of the relationship even more. In the good relationships, my SO has actively listened to me, understood that I was not saying these things with bad intent, and that these were opportunities to improve the relationship for both of us. I think it takes some learning, perhaps by trial and error, to really understand (not just on a superficial level) that you can and should be honest with your SO if you're having worries. It's very difficult to make yourself vulnerable like that, but it's worthwhile in the end if you want to have a strong relationship.

Sometimes acknowledging that you haven't brought issues up because you were afraid of pressuring your SO or scaring them away actually makes things better, because it allows you to "own" that fear and put it aside while you bring your other issues to the front. It also lets your SO know what you've been thinking and feeling, which is important because it keeps you guys in tune with one another. Don't torture yourself keeping things inside.

[Wambby]

This may be unconventional advice, but it has worked for me in the past when my anxiety was high over a guy that i wasnt official with.
For me, the reason I felt insecure was because I didnt want to start over, so this one "had to be the right one" and every move he made that seemed he wasnt right sent me in a paronoid spiral. it boiled down to not wanting to be alone. i had to come to grips with the fact that he isnt mine and essentially I had to let him go we didnt "break up" per se but I released the idea that he had to be mine, i enjoyed the relationship for what it was, friendship. if you arent official, you are friends, honestly.
My advice to you is to let him go. it seems like you feel alone in the relationship and you shouldnt feel like that. Enjoy him as a friend and curate your own life. have fun and meet people! and if he comes around, and IF you are still available then you can be official, but until then it seems like you need to release him.
good luck.

[paperplane]

kittyo9
Thank you so, so much for your advice. You basically described everything I’m going through. After reading your experiences I feel better knowing that even if we do break up or downgrade to platonic over this, I at least had the courage to lay it out there and let him know what was going on. I care so much about him, but something has to change.

Wambby
Wow. So you didn’t straight out tell him “I think we should be just friends” but just let it drift to that level? How did you reach the point of being OK with him not being yours? That seems so hard, but I do see the appeal in it. I do value his presence in my life, I'm just not sure how to get to a level of not being jealous.

[Wambby]

well we wernt official because he was also afraid to committ to me, so i didnt have to do the lets be friends discussion ha. he was still flirty and we still talked all the time, but the committment wasnt there...
I had to tell myself SEVERAL times that he wasnt mine, in the midst of his flirting and wanting to talk all the time, but changing the subject when I mentioned a relationship. it was a reminder to me that he didnt want to commit to ME. I reminded myself that he didnt want to committ to me, eventhough I would be a awesome girlfriend! that alone helped me adjust my feelings, because i know i deserve more than that. and you do too! believe me! it takes a while but be protective of yourself, and remind yourself how great you are. Picture what a healthy relationship looks like and embrace it. after a while you will see that maybe this guy is better as a friend. OR maybe he will realise that he isnt afraid anymore, either way you have to take care of yourself inthe meantime

[karolyyn666]

Hi there, I know this chat's last post was ages ago now, but I am new on the site and reading some posts that I can relate to. I should have found or looked for the site before, reading Your messages here has made me feel a little better, cause so far I was convinced I was nutcase and should be hid away from the civilization.

The feelings and behaviors that are described here, originally by paperplane, (hello, paperplane, I am Karolyn) are so familiar to me. But in some cases I am quite the opposite. I in fact cannot stop speaking my mind....... . So if I was in between something, I wouldn't be able to stand it. I need to have decision made and act towards it. No decision is confusing and I don't know how to act... But over thinking is one of my very well Mastered hobbies! Ruminating on issues, I am sure I am just feeding the wrong wolf all the time (negative wolf instead of positive).

The thing is that we are very often led by fear. Fear should not define us, make us act. What is right is what Your gut tells You. And if acting by Your gut (and I do not mean digestion issues) does not give You expected results, let me tell You, it is not meant to be. Maybe "meant to be" is just some belief that lowers my stress level and directs responsibility somewhere else to feel less guilty about bad choices (psychologist speaking), but I like to believe it, cause after all we are only humans and always try to control everything, even things that aren't really up to us.

Best of wishes! ♥

[paperplane]

Hey thanks

Things are going well lately. We've gotten much closer and my anxiety about how he feels has been replaced with trust.