Every time is harder

[Chifuyu4]

My SO visited last week, he was only able to get a week-ish off work though so he was only here for 6 days which felt super fast. We saw each other not long ago, at the start of January, but next time might be when I (hopefully) go over there to study next March. Just the thought of being apart that long is so hard to bear. The day he left this time was literally the worst day of my life, even worse than other times. I actually felt suicidal, but I knew it was just a lot of strong emotions. This past week has been so hard, I started a new semester which has been stressful and I've just been trying to get through a sudden depression at the same time - dishes piling up, insomnia, and losing track of time not only during the day but even forgetting what month it is or if he's even come here yet or not. I've never experienced anything like this and it just makes me worried for the future; there are still a couple of years until I can graduate and we can at least be living in the same country, and I just don't want to keep experiencing this but there aren't many options.

The worst part is it always seems like it's only ever this hard for me -- he's generally a pretty cheery person but sometimes I wish he was a little more sad or seemed more like he missed me. For me being apart at this point is just so painful I'm not even sure how to live anymore.

Sorry for a rant - I just really wanted to tell this to the void or whatever. Thanks if you read and I hope you're all doing well <3

[Redheart14]

First of all, please reach out and talk to a help line of some sorts if you feel suicidal. It's normal to feel down, lonely and upset but suicidal is a concern. Your SO may feel sad about leaving but is trying to be strong for you. I know when we were long distance, my fiancé would often try be the rock of support for me. I took that as not caring, but he said to me one day that if he gets sad like me then there's no one to prop us up. Maybe your SO is trying to do the same. How long until you know if you can study over there? Hopefully you find out soon and planning that might give you something to look forward to. Your partner should enhance your life not dictate it, I know you love your SO but you need to do things for you. Catch up with friends, spend time with family this might help with your "I'm not sure how to live anymore" comment. This forum is a great source of support too, remember that . I don't know what I would've done without people here to talk to.

[Chifuyu4]

Thanks so much. Unfortunately I won't find out until the fall about my exchange, but once I do that will definitely be something great to look forward to!