Should we keep it going if theres a chance we can't close the distance?

[chrelnka]

Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2.5 years and known each other nearly 3. We're very much in love but only get to see each other every 6 months (we're hoping to make it every 3-4 months next year) I'm in the USA he's in the UK. I told him right from the very start I wouldnt move back to the UK and he'd have to come to me instead. We genuinely feel our relationship is so right. We can be ourselves, trust each other entirely, feel like soul mates, but our future is uncertain and the further into our relationship it gets the more I worry.

On his first trip to me he was in a job that he was miserable in and told me "I don't care what it takes I'll move to be with you". However, last year he got his DREAM job that he loves so much. It isnt well paying but he can easily climb the ladder and have a job for life. He is also very VERY close with his mother who is an older woman. We had a 5 year plan back in 2016 to close the distance - get married and bring him over. However, neither of us like to talk about the future too much because it's scary, and lately he tells me that he doesnt know what'll happen in the future. That he doesnt know if he will be able to leave his job and family. He wants to be with me and marry me but he doesnt know how to go about that. And I'm almost afraid to ever talk about "when you move here" because his whole demeanor changes.

He is quite a down and anxious/almost depressive person by nature. My concern is if he moves to be with me in 3 years, he'll constantly be missing his mother (he went to Australia for 5 months and 1 month into the trip paid for his parents to come be with him because he was home sick) and I worry if she becomes ill or passes he'll be inconsolable and hate that he lost years with her. He has gone crying to his mother in the past at the thought of losing her. He's the youngest and very babied by her despite being 27.

He can't give me a definitive answer if he will be able to move to be with me anymore. I gave him a hypothetical situation the other day and said "if you had the means, money, and ability to come over and be with me RIGHT NOW would you do it?" He said yes but he'd "be very down for a long time because of missing his family and resentful towards himself and hates that he'd have to start over with his career again"

I'm not sure if he'll be strong enough to do it.

It's killing me. I love him so incredibly much. Whenever we broach it we always end up upset and leave it at "lets just keep going because we dont know what'll happen unless we try" he round about said to me the other day "he's enjoying being in love right now" and I feel he's holding onto me as long as he can because he says he'll die alone if he loses me because nobody understands him like I do. I feel the same about him. Whenever I speak to him about it he just says he doesnt know what the future holds. He went so far as to say to me the other day "I dont know when it was decided that I was moving to you" like...I told him before we BEGAN our relationship I couldn't move there. I was crystal clear. I understand from his perspective that I have a job where I work from home and I have a citizenship to the UK as I was born there, but I don't want to move back there..our lives would be so much better in the USA. We could afford a home instead of a tiny apartment in the middle of the city he works in and I'd be miserable. I have an ill mother who would be heartbroken if I left. He was ALWAYS going to move to ME.

Do you think "we dont know unless we try" is the right attitude to have? That we should keep going because it might work? That we will never know if we dont risk it? I'm just so afraid of spending another 3 years in love with him only to have to break up because he can't do it and i'm left alone, very few "fertile years" left in me, and unmarried. I'm so lost and I really need some help. Do you think I should have a definitive answer from him at this point? He can't give me one and I don't know if I can live based on that. Thank you.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Honestly from reading this, its very apparent you guys have a plan of what you want to happen, but you both don't want to move. In this all you've talked about are all the reasons he won't move, or will definitely struggle if he does, but honestly it would be good to hear why you yourself can't move. you've said that you would have to live in a tiny apartment and you'd be miserable if you moved over there, but have you actually discussed it with your SO where you would live if you moved? From what you've written you seem extremely fixated on the idea of he HAS to move to you because he said he would and there is no compromise that can happen at all. But he agreed to move to you when he had nothing going for him and was in a job he hated, and now the circumstances are different. Your SO might just need a bit of a compromise. Yes the end goal of a ldr is to close the distance, but that can't happen if neither person wants to move, and it won't end well for you if he moves to you and really can't handle it.

I think you need to have a long talk with your SO about compromises and see how you both actually feel on the matter. Please don't just assume his feelings and talk in depth to him about them, and also explain your feelings so you're both on the same page.

[Littlewhiteflower]

While reading that, I could relate totally. I was thinking that we probably have the same boyfriend haha. My SO always told me he would compromise and that we would move not to far from my hometown because I do not want to live where he lives. However, he got this dream job this year that changed literally everything in his mind. He does not want to move anymore. While I was happy for him, I am still resentful and hurt that I need to change all my life and live far away from home, just because he can't compromise. Just like you, he told me he would be unhappy and probably resentful to move to my place.

It has been around 3 or 4 months since this big talk and I am still not really sure how to react to it. In the back of my mind, sometimes, I feel like there is no point continuing because I know I will be miserable in this place. On the other hand, we are engaged and I do love him. So I am not ready to throw everything away because in 2-3 years I or he might be ready to move for him/me. So i keep it working. I still give my all to this relationship. Because I love him and believe in making it works despite the hard times.

To be honest, all this depends whether or not you are ready to take the risk. For the moment, i am. I believe that everybody changes, evolves and that in a couple of months from now, the discussion could be totally different. Maybe that would help you to see it this way.

I wish you the very best. I know it is hard to deal with.

[Redheart14]

My fiancé and I had this same issue. I was going to move to him and then things changed. My job wasn't transerrable so my fiancé had to move here. At first it was hard, he too was close to his parents. But if you really love someone then you're able to adapt and grow from these changes. At first I was worried he'd resent me, as he was very homesick. But it eventually passed and we've bought a house and are getting married in 6 weeks. Sometimes stepping outside your comfort zone is the best change for you. Ask yourself this, if you had a choice of being with your SO in your undesired location or being in your desired location but not having your SO at all what would you choose? Plans can change and things can still work out as long as you are open to the possibility.

[chrelnka]

My fiancé and I had this same issue. I was going to move to him and then things changed. My job wasn't transerrable so my fiancé had to move here. At first it was hard, he too was close to his parents. But if you really love someone then you're able to adapt and grow from these changes. At first I was worried he'd resent me, as he was very homesick. But it eventually passed and we've bought a house and are getting married in 6 weeks. Sometimes stepping outside your comfort zone is the best change for you. Ask yourself this, if you had a choice of being with your SO in your undesired location or being in your desired location but not having your SO at all what would you choose? Plans can change and things can still work out as long as you are open to the possibility.

thank you so much for this. It really does help to hear this from someone who has experienced it.

[beester]

It's a difficult one I think... but what I (we as a couple) try to do is think of decisions like these in the best interest not of the individual but the couple.

I would honestly evaluate the different scenarios on (you move with him, he moves with you, you both move somewhere else) and the different hurdles that come with each of these choices (family, work, network, visa requirements, money, environment, etc) and analyse the pro's and cons of these choices NOT based on your individual need but based on the need of you both as a couple!

If you look at it as the needs of you both as a couple vs your needs individually it becomes mentally more easy to cope with compromise.

In my personal situation my SO will come back from her work in Sudan or end of October this year or end of December. When she returns the plan is that I'll move in with her in Italy and keep working for my current employer in Paris. (a couple of days from home, the others travelling to work). However in my contract it is specifically mentioned that I should work based in Belgium, London and Paris. So theoretically my employer could refuse this change, and I would need to look for a new job. So our plan B is, me still moving to Italy and trying to find a new job there, or she moving to Belgium to live with me. We both understand that her moving to Belgium would be harder than me moving to Italy (that's why it's our plan B), but in the end the goal for us is to move together end of this year, and we both are willing to make it work as a couple.

For sure everybody's circumstance is different, but you should be able to find a compromise somwhere, somehow if you are really commited no?

[TaraMarie]

You have to decide if you can live without him. If not, then go. You don't have to stay there for the rest of your life.

[Rezie]

I think in regard to moving we have to remember that job is not the only defining factor. The one who has easier time to be employed does not mean that they have to automaically relocate. It is such a complex thing. Also the idea of moving and reality of moving are different. I was in a situation where the original plan was changed because my boyfriend got the reality check what it means to move and he wasn't ready/willing. I know that you propably know this but just wanted to point it out.

I'm glad you know your limitaitons, but he also has a mother, job, USA is far away and in general europeans have a complex feelings about moving to america (I'm not sure if this is the case with your bf). Since you know where you stand I would have a good talk and explain once more your stance. And your limitaitons and expectations. You can give him time to come around and think his stance and give a timeframe or definate answer if he is willing to move at the agreed timeframe. I would leave out the fertility and marriage aspect from this talk.