Long distance boyfriend (31M) of 10 months is ghosting me (22F)

[cetac]

Met in NYC, were together for 7 amazing weeks before I left for Ireland to finish my final year of my degree. He visited once in October, then he called a break at christmas for three weeks because i was doing exams and he was stressed at work, 5 hours difference also puts a HUGE strain on the relationship and when we can talk. Then things went back to normal, then had a fight end of February and he broke up with me over text thinking I was cheating on him (I wasn't). We had already organised for me to visit him and bought expensive plane tickets for Easter. After begging with him that he was wrong(hard to prove a negative when trust is disrupted by a 3000 mile distance), he still didnt want to be with me I texted him saying i was still coming over but wouldnt bother him - instead visit my cousin. he texted back saying that was a good idea.
There was no contact from both parties for 4 weeks. As i landed he calls and texts me to see him for dinner, which ended us getting back together and him asking to move in with him in july when i get my visa. Then my finals came up and I got really sick and he didnt show any sympathy and didnt care how stressed i was with my finals. I called the break this time for 3 weeks until after my exams were done because i was getting stressed out and he wasn't helping me and i needed to focus on my exams.
three weeks pass and he doesnt return my texts or calls, then texts me back on two occasions saying hes unavailable, then hes out (on a Monday night till 2:30am) and will catch up in the week. I texted him at the weekend asking when is our catchup, he said he was busy and to aim for week after. I texted back saying do you still want me moving in because by his behaviour avoiding me, he didn't seem like he wanted to deal with me. no response to that message. A couple of days later i texted again saying im still coming over and moving in, and i dont care if hes ignoring me because that was our promise and plan that we made to each other after being 10 months apart.
So its been 5 weeks now of silence, two of those weeks me actually trying to call him. Is he just on a power trip? I called the break now he wants to say when its over? Is he ghosting me and just waiting for me to pull the plug? Is he cheating on me? I know hes avoiding me texts because they deliver and i can see on Instagram that hes active. I dont want to end it because i am still in love with him but i feel he doesnt prioritise me because im not physically there and interacting with him. help please, how do i save this, or at least make him pick up the phone and say its over? ghosting is just so cowardly and immature.

[kittyo9]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and I am sorry in advance for how painful this might sound-- I am trying to be honest, based on experience.

I think you said it best: he is being cowardly and immature. Unfortunately, from what I see, the whole relationship has been riddled with problems from the start. It doesn't really matter why he's doing it-- you deserve better, and there is NO way you should be moving in with this guy. It's easy to try to make excuses for his behavior and to try to justify the relationship based on how you feel (believe me, I've been there!), but the fact of the matter is that he has not committed to you or the relationship. At the end of the day, you can't make him do anything. I know it sucks, and I know you're dying for closure, but it's better to cut your losses now rather than dragging it on hoping for something that will never come. My advice is to leave him one last message saying your goodbyes, block him on everything, and remove him from your life. If he comes back later, do not engage with him.

What would you tell your best friend if they came to you telling you all these things?

[Redheart14]

A few days not hearing from someone is acceptable. But 5 weeks speaks volumes. From the amount of times you've broken up and the gotten back together it doesn't seem like this relationship was going to work out. I'd reconsider your housing options and see if you can find somewhere else to live. It seems he's moved on and not replying at all, so I'd find a plan B If I were you. You don't want to move in if he's not interested or moved on. Best of luck to you.

[cetac]

Thank you for the advice. I knew it all but just didn’t want to admit it. It just makes it difficult because he said he would pay for my visa and I could stay with him and make it our apartment, as I’ve just graduated from college and he knows I can’t afford my own place. I’ll have to get a loan out now or find a job here for six more months then move. Can’t believe he’s doing this with literally weeks left till our planned moving in date

[autumn1790]

It's a mistake to think that a person will be somehow different in person than they are online. Or course there's a few things that will be different, but major behaviors like this will not be erased because you're there with him. If he doesn't value you enough to fight thru the distance and be your shoulder during exams, he most likely won't fight thru the inevitable couple quarrels and be your shoulder in life. Congratulations on your graduation ....I wish you the best!

[kittyo9]

Thank you for the advice. I knew it all but just didn’t want to admit it. It just makes it difficult because he said he would pay for my visa and I could stay with him and make it our apartment, as I’ve just graduated from college and he knows I can’t afford my own place. I’ll have to get a loan out now or find a job here for six more months then move. Can’t believe he’s doing this with literally weeks left till our planned moving in date

I'm really sorry that you've been put in this position. It really sucks. If you can get through this, though, you will be all the better for it.

[babywontyoucomemyway]

This is insane, you worked so hard to keep your relationship going. You definitely deserve better than the way this man is treating you. He's being very erratic and honestly quite suspicious, and it almost looks like he's just toying around with you too :/

I don't mean to be throwing assumptions, but the endpoint here is your relationship with him doesn't seem to be going in the right direction. It would probably be best for you to back out now before you go in all the way and just get hurt even more. Maybe give him one last chance to redeem himself, try to contact him and if he actually responds, then ask for a valid reason as to why he hasn't been answering you. But if he doesn't even bother to reply, honestly just end it. If he can't be bothered to exert effort into your relationship then he definitely doesn't deserve you.

I hope you're okay and I hope you can get back up from this. Please do keep updating us.

[libertine]

From what I gather from your posts you're the one putting all the effort in and he just tags along, not exactly something id consider a healthy combination.
It doesnt seem this is headed anywhere considering 5 weeks of radio silence.

Just ask yourself if you want to keep this up. There's no guarantee he will break this pattern just because you live together despite what the first few weeks may have been.

Im not saying the Leopard cant change is shorts but it requires something of immense magnitue to do so and in this case, im sorry to say, I think that the possible payoff isnt worth taking the risk.