3 day radio silence

[differentcountries]

My boyfriend quit his job yesterday and says he needs some time alone. It has not started yet, but he says he is turning off his phone for 3-4 days. He did not ask me if this was ok, just informing me about what was going to happen. Leaving a job is not fun, so I get that he wants to be alone and maybe see a friend and not talk much. However, this need for days of radio silence is not something that sits well with me. I explained to him earlier this year that I like to know what is going on. I guess that is why he is warning me this time. He was very affectionate, leading me to think one of 3 things:

1) he really loves me, it is just his work annoys him to no end and he needed to get out. Now he needs to think and breathe before he gets another.

2) he was kind of saying goodbye because he is really breaking up

3) he is depressed (because of stuff happening at work that he is not telling me, or something else)

Because I started my studies and a new job this year, we have not been seeing much of each other. Also I did not have much money since I was umeployed last year. His job times does not sit well with mine, he often leaves his work after mid night so Skyping has been a real hazzle. So it really bothers me that he does something like this, to create further distance between us. I was thinking I am working so hard to prepare financially for us. I am not really shocked that he quit his job, because he can easily find another, but that he did it without discussing it with me and that he wants us to not be in contact.

This was just a couple of hours ago, so I have 3-4 days ahead of me without hearing from him. I have plenty of things to do and people do see, but I am used to hearning good night or some kind of message from him during my day. Knowing there will be nothing, just makes me nervous. I dont know weather or not to be worried for him or the relationship. Or if I am "allowed" at all to say how I feel about this, when he comes back (I doubt that he is ghosting me, I am more worried that he is tuning me out). I dont know. He seemed so sincere when he told me that he misses me "even more now", but it is hard for me to imagine wanting to willingly cut contact with him. But he may need that for himself.

I am supposed to come to visit in him in about 4 weeks, the tickets are booked and payed for. We dont have a hotel yet to technically we could go anywhere , unless he started working again by the time I come, if he needs to get out of town.

I still have one year left of my studies, which is why we are not actively planning to close the distance. I thought it was understood that we would talk about it when the time was approaching. But I dont know. He cant save up to pay his debts and move if he keeps quitting his jobs. And I worry about him, and us. I want to respect that he needs his time, but I wonder if he also sees what I need. I guess I am waiting for him to say again that he wants to move here and so on, but instead he does this. I mean, him changing jobs is his buisiniss, but his moods and him going radio silent, affects me.

Any suggestions? Am I just paranoid for disliking this? Are other people comfortable with radio silence, and dont think anything is wrong?

[Rezie]

Let me start by saying that it's fine that you are not fine with it. But he commnicated that he needs this and I feel like this is important point. He took your feelings into consideration, let you know that this is what he needs to do and gave you specific amount of days instead of general "time". I also feel like there is more going on with him and maybe this time lets him reflect. I would give him the 3-4 days and then talk about your concerns about the relationship. Could be that upon reflection he is more willing to open up about his feelings about work, relationships, distance etc.

You are giving 3 valid options what it could be. But instead of worrying about it yet how about you give him the few days and then talk it through. When in LDR it's hard to find balance between making own decisions and taking partner into consideration. I'm the type of person who prefers to ponder myself what I will do so things tend to come as a suprise eventhough i've been thinking about it. That being said, my bf quit his job without telling me and I was super pissed. I guess what I'm saying is that let him has his no contact days and then have a good talk. Going for the talk now when other asked for time is not gonna lead toanything good and not letting him have the time he needs is not gonna lead to anything good.

[differentcountries]

Thank you for your reply.

Even if I worry, I will not contact him until after the 4 days are done. It will be fairly easy because I will be very busy. We have last days at school for 3 days in a row, then a party on Saturday. It just feels strange not talking things over with him. Monday I will start my summer job and I dont know if I can talk to him on Sunday. But if this is what he needs, I will give him the space.

I am thinking that maybe he wants to leave the restaurant businiss and start working in a hotel instead. He has the education for it, so it would be possible. He has talked about it before, has gotten offers, and has experience from it. Or maybe he wants to go back to seasonal work, at least there is more vacation time, but I dont know if he can afford it, unless we plan him to come here 3 months (would be nice).

He has said before that we should talk more about our relationship and plans for the future. The problem is that usually when I am there, he works 10+ hours a day, every day including weekends. And I am usually there for just one week at a time, except summer, but I cant afford a real summer vacation this year. Even if I did, we would not have had much time together because they usually work very hard in summer. Like, early spring and late fall has usually been our "golden time". But I would not afford to see him in Easter because I had not started my new job yet. I will probably be able to have "fall vacation" this year. Before, we saw each other quite often, but I did not have a full time job back then. So his job worked better for us before, when I could work around his schedule, visit a lot, and often get cheap tickets because I travelled at odd times.

[ldrhealer]

I can understand the 3-4 days no contact thing, i guess some guys may need time to process and think of a new plan without the distraction of their partner... although I do find this abit strange seeing as you two should be able to talk through things and low moments to help support eachother. Each to their own. I do think as you are finishing your studies in another year, it's still a good idea to talk up some plans which will help him and you prepare to close the distance (depending on who decides to move) when hes ready to talk again. Bit of a massaging process but the sooner you talk and look towards what you're both doing with your relationship, the lesser the anxiety you will have if he decides he needs no contact time again. Hope hes alright and you both work through this tricky situation.

[Moon]

I think you have nothing to worry about, DC. He's probably very stressed and just needs some time and peace. If he wanted to break up, I don't think he would have warned you first, so just let him be for a few days, and talk about it later. I know that, for me, sometimes I just want to be alone with my issues to work them out, without having to talk about them. I'll talk about it once I have it sorted, but like to be able to work some things out by myself.

[differentcountries]

I can understand the 3-4 days no contact thing, i guess some guys may need time to process and think of a new plan without the distraction of their partner... although I do find this abit strange seeing as you two should be able to talk through things and low moments to help support eachother. Each to their own. I do think as you are finishing your studies in another year, it's still a good idea to talk up some plans which will help him and you prepare to close the distance (depending on who decides to move) when hes ready to talk again. Bit of a massaging process but the sooner you talk and look towards what you're both doing with your relationship, the lesser the anxiety you will have if he decides he needs no contact time again. Hope hes alright and you both work through this tricky situation.

I think it is more common with guys to need this kind of break, yes. And he is more introvert than me, too. I may like to go to the cabin by myself with noone (like a true Norwegian), but I will usually keep in touch with people over the phone/online. I have experienced him reaching out to me before, but I think there is something about work that irks his pride. Maybe it is a man thing? He has talked about it before, that he thinks they should pay him more and also give him better vacation time etc.

I am probably getting divorced from my ex during the summer/early fall (have been separated 11 months now), so that's a start, I feel I am getting my ducks in order finally. I also work a lot plus my studies, so I think actually this will financially count as a working year. I dont have a real steady job, but most likely I will get lots of work in the fall (and time off for fall break and Christmas/Newyear because everyone does at the same time, one of the perks of teaching). Work already promised I can do my school practice there in the fall.

Yes, I want to talk things over with him. I have already told him I am getting the divorce done, and he knows I work very hard with school and to make money. He seems proud of me for this.

Yes, you are right, the non contact period is not really the problem, the problem is I feel that we have so much talking left to do.The last time we saw each other was a couple of weeks after he quit his job the first time, so he was not even at his best then and super eager to work out to get fit (which I welcomed, although perhaps it would have been nice to work out less and talk more). We were visiting his family (which I insisted upon, since I had not seen them in 2 years) and our plans to have a little more privacy fell through (I need to be more clever next time). So we were both eager for me to book another visit, but when the oppertunity came for me to work a lot and pay off my bills, there was not option to leave the country, and I had my studies too. When we saw each other last time, I was nervous because I did not have much money or a job and I was still new to school. Now I am much more financially secure and settled in an almost full time job, I love my job too. But I will soon say goodbye for the summer to all my colleagues and students. So it is an odd mix, I guess, of longing for him and feeling a bit "homeless" because I will leave my amazing job for 2 months to do a summer job instead. And we are approaching my visit next month, so I was hoping we could plan a little.

Hopefully he just wants to be alone to think and does not mean to worry me with what he said.

[differentcountries]

I think you have nothing to worry about, DC. He's probably very stressed and just needs some time and peace. If he wanted to break up, I don't think he would have warned you first, so just let him be for a few days, and talk about it later. I know that, for me, sometimes I just want to be alone with my issues to work them out, without having to talk about them. I'll talk about it once I have it sorted, but like to be able to work some things out by myself.

I really hope that's all there is to it.

Yes, he likes to think about his own problem solving, which is brilliant sometimes (he does not expect me to fix his issues) and less brilliant at other times (I sometimes feel like he does not need me or my input).

I can to some extent relate to that some things are hard to talk about before I have gotten the chance to think and process them on my own. But then I dont neccesarily have to be on my own, I just need to avoid that subject for a while until I know how I feel about it.