Advice Needed: Dealing with Post-Visit Sadness

[giella]

It has been a little over a week since my significant other left, and I am still feeling torn.

We saw each other after two years being apart, and it was the best thing in the entire world. We both spent a marvelous month together, and when he left it felt like he took a great part of me with him. Every little thing in my house reminds me of him. It hurts to be around them.

We have talked significantly more since he left. Skype calls getting longer and more frequent, sharing more about our feelings and our days through text, and telling each other how much the relationship and the other person means to us.

But it still really, really hurts.

I find myself hugging his shirt and crying in the kitchen, imagining his arms around me. I wake up in the morning a little disoriented, looking over to his side of the bed, forgetting he isn't there anymore. Many people suggested I get out more, distract myself, but I am more of a homebody and actually work from home, so it hasn't been easy.

I feel a little jealous that he could cope better than me, feeling like he has it easier that he doesn't have to spend his entire day alone in an apartment we both shared, remembering every little memory. We have talked about this, and he understands why I feel this way.

People keep saying it gets better from here, but when? It feels like my entire body is aching. I feel anxious, restless, antsy. My legs feel weird, and I find myself constantly pacing around the house. My hands feel shakey, like they just crave to hold him, be held by him.

Every little thing here is a heartbreak all on its own. His mug. His towel. His blankets. His shirt. His side of the bed. His side of the couch. His side of the dining table. The pain is paralyzing.

I am trying very much to cope, but I only miss him more and more.

I know this was lengthy and emotional, but I really appreciate anyone who read this and would be here to offer advice, or just to talk.

Thanks so much.

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome. While missing your SO is ok, letting it impact you to the points you’ve mentioned are a concern. You want your SO to enhance your life, not be your life. Have you thought about talking to someone about your anxiety? Maybe that’ll help. If you plan on closing the distance you’ll have to wait and deal with this distance for a while longer anyway.

[giella]

Hello, thank you for your reply.

I know it is very concerning. I have suffered from anxiety for a few years now, as I have worked through the stresses of grad school and a full-time job. I am raising these concerns to my doctor the soonest I can.

I have never had trouble with this before. For some reason, this visit has been so overwhelmingly emotional for me. I want the both of us to be enjoying our lives while waiting to close the distance some time next year.

[Kerr LDR]

Hello Giella,
It is not surprising that you are feeling this way. It is a combination of excitement and disappointment. This is something that we all have to constantly deal with in a LDR and it gets ALOT harder I am sorry to say. This is when you will need all your strength and will inside your mind and inside your heart to pull through. Do not give up. Also, this should not affect your anxiety. What you feel is not typical anxiety. It is a feeling that will fade away as the days go by even though coping without your spouse will get harder! I have started reading this book recently that just came out “One One Coco: The Modern Guide to Long Distance Relationships .” Chapter 5 in the book is titled Day to Day and it literally helps me to get through a single day... good luck!

[yogibear]

Hi,

I'm new in here, and am quite a bit older than a lot of the folks here! however, thought it might help to share my experiences having been doing an LDR for 5 years now... honestly, the time has flown by, and I used to feel a lot like this at the beginning, however, as time has gone on, dealing with the seperations has got easier, especially as we have sort of got into a schedule of not going more than 7 weeks without seeing each other. I think the key is to not put your life on 'hold' when you arent with that person. its really important to maintain friendships, go out, be social and 'enjoy' your life without feeling guilty. yes, of course you still miss that person and wish they were sharing those experiences with you, and sometimes that can be very frustrating especially when everyone around you is coupled up and it makes you feel alone. It can be a rollercoaster in terms of emotions, but the plus side is when you get to count down to the time you DO get to spend together and of course, its always exciting and you never end up 'in a rut' doing the most mundane things all the time that you would if you actually lived with someone 24/7 and end up taking each other for granted.... I have even had people give me a look boardering on jealousy to suggest they think actually I might be onto something... as it doesnt have any of the downsides of a conventional live-in situation! I think once you accept the situation for what it is, that can be quite enlightening, and of course ensure you have some kind of contact with him almost daily if its possible with texts, skype, and whatever other means possible so you both have something of each others day and can share whats going on etc., I hope that might help!

[snow]

I don't think it ever gets easier. Leaving your partner behind will always hurt. Every single time I left, I felt horrible and it took us a while to get over that shock when I first moved here because it's just such a trauma.

All you can do is to focus on the here and now and the future. When is your next visit? Can you plan something? Can you make a countdown?

[giella]

Hello! Thank you for all your wonderful advices and words of encouragement.

It has been hard but life is going along well. Still hurts, but now more manageable. We will be meeting again in a few months, and I've been trying to focus on counting down the days. I'm learning to accept the situation, but every airport goodbye is a heartbreak in itself.

I hope you all are doing well!

[TaraMarie]

We met online and were ling distance for years. We've been married now for two years. He officially "moved" in to my house 3 years ago, but still worked in NY. So he was home Friday night and left at 2 am Monday morning. This past January he finally got a transfer, and works from home now. On Sunday nights I am still thankful that we don't have to head to the airport at 2 am.

I don't think you ever get over the sad feelings when you leave you SO. I am so thankful that we were able to get married and close the distance within 5 years.
Don't let the sadness consume you. I know how easy it is to let that happen. I still feel that way when my husband has to go out of town on business. I want to be with him all the time. He's my best friend.

[La Daniela]

I sometimes feel like the sadness is consuming me. We've been together 15 months and have seen each other twice with another visit on the cards soon hopefully. It's just so hard! My son is grown and is usually doing his own thing so I spend a lot of time alone, I know I should do more with friends but I hardly ever feel like it. My SO has a younger child and so right now closing the distance isn't really doable as neither of us can relocate. Sad thing is that neither of us are getting any younger .. both in our 40's and feel like we are missing out on so much. We both want to be a family but have no solution to this. That and the 8 hour time difference kinda sucks.