looking for advice: At a Standstill

[pinkmilkandoreos]

Hello! I have come seeking advice.
Some history on my relationship: My partner is a 24 y/o Canadian man and I am a 21 y/o American woman. We met in April of 2016 and easily fell into a dating situation. At the time I was 19 and wasn't in the position to really tell my parents I was seeing someone I met online. I got anxious and we separated for a little while. After getting back together I introduced him to my mom and younger brother over the phone and slowly introduced him to the rest of my family. We started making plans after I talked to some of his family to finally meet each other. At first, it was My 20th birthday, then the following summer and it continued to be pushed back because he hadn't gotten his passport yet, he doesn't have enough money, etc. He also uses his parents as a reason he cants come see me yet saying they won't let him because he doesn't have a real job yet, however, he is a 24-year-old man and should, IMHO, just do as he pleases rather than worry about them. At the time I understood but now it has been 2 years and we still have yet to meet. every time I bring it up he gets defensive and I drop it or we argue. This argument has led to us splitting and getting back together enough times that no one in my family will give me honest advice with a 10-foot pole. I would go see him in a heartbeat if i had a job that would allow that and didnt have 6 exotic animals that need 24 hour care. He has neither so it was more feasable for him to come here.

So my question is: what would you do if you and your partner had met after 2 years and he was resistant to doing what needs to be done to make that happen?

[Littlewhiteflower]

Well a canadian passeport costs at the absolute most 120$ CAD, so about 100 US and this is if you even want a 10 years passeport. You can get one cheaper for 5 years which is around 80$ I think. He would not go backrupt for having his passeport haha..

I saw you were in washington and him, in saskatchewan. Usually it's not super expensive to fly to the eastern US although if he is in the northern Saskatchewan and if he doesn't have a car, then flying from the north to wherever there is a big airport can cost a fortune. My fiancé is a pilot in northern MB for a private company and the fees for flights are crazily expensive. It costs more to do an hour flight within the province than flying to Europe. So, maybe your boyfriend has good reasons to not be able to afford it.

However, after 2 years, he should be invested enough in the relationship to find a decent job and save for you both. He does not seem invested at all.

He is 24 yo. He is considered an adult since he is 18. He should not need the parents' approval anymore.

[2Rocky]

PMO,

Would you date this guy if he lived across the state? Would you put up with this sort of stuff from someone in your own town? Probably not.

I think many times we are more permissive of issues and blame it on the distance.

Here are my dealbreakers I see.


still defers to parents at 24
not independent because of lack of a good job
Multiple breakups and reconciliations

I think you could do better down at the local dive bar. Within the WEEK...Provided you pared down the "exotic pets that need 24 hour care". That's not balanced...

[pinkmilkandoreos]

Well a Canadian passport costs at the absolute most 120$ CAD, so about 100 US and this is if you even want a 10 years passport. You can get one cheaper for 5 years which is around 80$ I think. He would not go bankrupt for having his passport haha.

I saw you were in Washington and him, in Saskatchewan. Usually, it's not super expensive to fly to the eastern US although if he is in the northern Saskatchewan and if he doesn't have a car, then flying from the north to wherever there is a big airport can cost a fortune. My fiancé is a pilot in northern MB for a private company and the fees for flights are crazily expensive. It costs more to do an hour flight within the province than flying to Europe. So, maybe your boyfriend has good reasons to not be able to afford it.

However, after 2 years, he should be invested enough in the relationship to find a decent job and save for you both. He does not seem invested at all.

He is 24 yo. He is considered an adult since he is 18. He should not need the parents' approval anymore.

PMO,

Would you date this guy if he lived across the state? Would you put up with this sort of stuff from someone in your own town? Probably not.

I think many times we are more permissive of issues and blame it on the distance.

Here are my dealbreakers I see.


still defers to parents at 24
not independent because of the lack of a good job
Multiple breakups and reconciliations

I think you could do better down at the local dive bar. Within the WEEK...Provided you pared down the "exotic pets that need 24-hour care". That's not balanced...

Thank you both for your honest replies and for confirming what I have been feeling. I have had a lot going on my life recently that I appreciate the outside, unattached look at things and the clarity that provides! As for the passport that has been obtained recently and yet he is still noncommital to a date or buying any plane tickets. He would be flying from Saskatoon (the closest major city to him) to the West coast Washington (Seattle being the closest major city to me). It's not unaffordable to him at the moment but he still won't budge.

I really do appreciate the honest and clear answers from you both!

[Littlewhiteflower]

Well if he can afford it, you should pressure him a little bit. It's not like if he had a job and lots of obligations. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him you have enough. If he starts arguing, don't argue with him as arguments lead to nothing good. Take a step back and let him calm down and start again the conversation once you two are able to discuss. After 2 years, I would have gave up if I was you.

[babochka]

I think you both are at fault, as you both are immature, IMHO. A LDR is not for you guys.
US and Canada are bordering states, and whatever the price its cheaper to close the distance than say between USA and Europe.
He is still a mama-daddy boy and you with your 6 exotic animals as an excuse are no better...I feel sorry for both of you.