How long before you closed the distance?

[Flautist2000]

So, international folks...how long were you and your SO long distance? Or, if you haven't closed the distance, how long have you been apart, and do you have plans to move closer?

Basically, my partner (of 14 months, known each other 2yrs) is in the UK, in a huge liberal city with A LOT of cultural history and opportunities, with a company she's built from scratch, an amazing network of friends and professional connections, hobbies which are really important to her, etc. She'd be miserable anywhere else.

I'm in the northeastern US, in a much smaller and more conservative city which has much less in the way of cultural stuff, and I have a good, but replaceable, job, a house I want to sell anyway, and I'm pretty introverted, so most of my friends are from college and scattered geographically anyway. Ideally, I'd move to her city. I love it there, and I could find good work, and together we'd make enough for me to fly back to the US to visit family (or fly family to us).

However, I also have a 7 year old, and my state will not let me move out of driving distance of her father. Unless he dies, pretty much, I'm stuck here. Which, even though he's generally useless as far as being a responsible parent, as long as he's even superficially involved in her life, that's in DD's best interest. The earliest I could move is in 2029 when she graduates high school. We'll have been together TWELVE years at that point.

I'm just looking for a bit of support from folks who've gone through the LONG process...I know it's going to be hard sometimes, and right now is one of those times. Emotionally, I'm feeling like I really want some sort of "next step," or something, but we can't have it, and I'm struggling with the feelings about moving on from that and having to put it off for a DECADE.

Thanks

[diustav]

I'm very inexperienced with this kind of thing since I've been in a LDR for a month (lol), but it just doesn't sound realistic for you two. There's sound legal reasons which are keeping you two from being together and you have wildly different priorities in your life. 12 years of long distance...wow. I can't even imagine attempting that.

If I was going to give remotely positively advice, I'd tell you to ask yourself the question of if you want this enough to wait 12 years to maybe start a future together. In 12 years I'm sure you could find a partner as good as her. If it was a shorter length of time, even 4-6 years, I'd say give it a shot if you truly love her, but sometimes in life you need to be real with yourself about what your circumstances are and what the best way forwards is.

[Flautist2000]

I should add that we are working on ways to spend decent chunks of time all together. It's possible we could have random "long weekend" trips for just the two of us, and a week in late winter or spring plus the whole month of August plus a week around the holidays for all of us.

We both knew this was a possibility when we decided to give it a shot. Before I even told her how I felt, I spent a long time trying to decide if this was worth it. I had spent a long time trying to rely on a partner (previously) for my happiness, and I'm a heck of a lot better on that front. I'm generally happy with just my daughter and me, it's just a transition at this point where I would really *like* to have one life together instead of two separate, but if we stick with the status quo, I do have my own life which makes me very happy, and she is an amazing addition to it. If that makes sense?

Basically: no, I don't want anyone else. If she were to break this off, I am strong enough that I'd be ok eventually. Maybe I'd find someone else in a few years, but maybe not. Maybe I'd actually be happy with someone else, who knows. But I decided a while ago that if I had to deal with 12 years of seeing each other less than 15% of the time, to be able to have the rest of our lives together, I'd do it. Heck, that's the hourly equivalent of almost a day a week together. Not the same, I know, but still.

[chronos]

You sound like me going to Europe for long weekends. I did that times last year with an additional longer visit (my so lives in Poland, I live in the NE US). It's very very tiring. I don't think I ever want to see a plane. Ha! I was thinking of meeting her in Dublin in four weeks but I can't get on a plane, need a break.

I wish you guys luck!

[Kugorie]

Hello,
Just curious on how things are going regarding your LDR so far. I won't be much help as my guy and I are just starting out the LDR part of our relationship... however we are close in distance as you as I am in Canada and he is now in the UK.

As the quote goes "If it's meant to be, it'll be". I wish you luck with your relationship!

[Herhairiskindacurly]

Hi,

I've been together with my SO for a year now, we both have jobs in our own country so closing the distance soon isn't realistic, and for me to move in with him now would require a lot of money that we currently don't have now (for the visa, bigger apartment, and I'm currently in a good place regarding my career). But we have talked about it, and we agreed that we want to close the distance eventually. But now is not the time, it would take at least 4 more years for us to be 100% ready.
I sometimes feel jealous at other couples who have closed the distance, but I know our time will come.

As for your case, I know 12 years is an awfully long time. But don't give up just yet, you don't know what's gonna happen in a year or two, something might come up and solve your problem. I think just enjoy your relationship, and not worry too much about the "12 years", maybe you'll have to wait for 12 years, maybe you won't have to. But I believe your SO is worth all the time and wait in the world. Good luck for all of us.

[differentcountries]

We have dated 5,5 years so far.

Part of the reason we have not closed the distance yet, is that I had not finalized my divorce and we have both been studying.

We want him to come here after we marry, and that plan is pretty realistic. I have a flat here, and I work and will finish my part time education in the fall so I should be able to support us. He has a job where he is, but we dont see it as realistic that I move there, although we would like to have a summer home in his country when we can afford it.