Hello everyone,
this is my first time posting here and I found this forum on a search for advice for our/my situation.
A bit about me (f/26) and my partner (m/24):
We met when I was on a working holiday visa in Canada after finishing my university degree. We became friends and spent every minute together exploring the beautiful nature of where we were both living. Eventually, we fell in love and have been officially dating for 10 months now. It all felt right from the very beginning, we committed to each other fast, decided to plan our future together as best as possible. We lived together for months, worked in jobs we enjoyed before I had to go back to Germany. I met his family, friends.. We have only been together for under a year, but have talked a lot about our future, without either of us feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
I have been back in Germany now for a month and almost right away started working again. To be honest, I had never wanted a long distance relationship and I know myself well enough to understand that this itīs not for me. Obviously, hardly anybody chooses to be in one, but I think some people handle it better than others. So I really tried to get busy right away, also to start saving up again. Iīm staying with my parents right now, mostly because they have all the space and because I donīt know yet where Iīll be in a few months. I am in the lucky position that I can work as much as I want to in this job and leave when I need to.
My partner will be here in a couple of days. We have no actual plans yet for what weīll do after spending christmas and New Years with my family. Heīs always been willing to learn German, stay here for a bit, get a work visa and work. Weīd get our own place, I would continue to work in this job and heīd start with a language course.
Hereīs the thing: for three weeks now my partner has been feeling severely depressed. I first thought it was just sadness, feeling blue, adapting to life without me there and not having structure (he doesnīt work and is staying with his parents right now). He had told me about previous depressive episodes, but he has never seeked therapy and all throughout our time together he did not experience any depression.
I gotta be honest, it has been really tough. With him finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning, I found myself sorting out everything for him. He hasnīt been able to handle easy tasks, kept pushing obliagtions away. He also hasnīt spoken to anyone else about how he has been feeling. Sometimes he procrastinated in the past, but I have never seen him so lethargic, exhausted from nothing - itīs like he is a different person.
He is looking forward to coming here and is certain, that it will make him feel a lot better. But I am really, really anxious and concerned. He doesnīt know anyone here, he doesnīt speak the language, not everybody is nice enough to switch to English right away. He wonīt be able to work until he has basic language skils. I just feel like his will put a massive amount of pressure on him and I donīt want that.
Iīve been thinking about whether or not it would be better to settle in an English speaking country for a bit, so that language isnīt an issue. Another work visa for Canada will be hard for me to get without a job offer.
Weīre both quite open to anywhere, although weīre close with our families. I am more ambitious than him in the sense that Iīd like to have a career, whereas his biggest priority is that he enjoys his work.
I have spoken to him about my concerns, but he keeps insisting that getting out of Canada and being with me is what will make him feel better.
Has anybody ever dealt with a similar situation? How can I be supportive and create a good situation for us here without starting to feel frustrated, as I will be the only one "in charge", the one he relies on completely? Isnīt this asking too much of him - isnīt this challenge too big?
Any advice would be so appreciated.
this is my first time posting here and I found this forum on a search for advice for our/my situation.
A bit about me (f/26) and my partner (m/24):
We met when I was on a working holiday visa in Canada after finishing my university degree. We became friends and spent every minute together exploring the beautiful nature of where we were both living. Eventually, we fell in love and have been officially dating for 10 months now. It all felt right from the very beginning, we committed to each other fast, decided to plan our future together as best as possible. We lived together for months, worked in jobs we enjoyed before I had to go back to Germany. I met his family, friends.. We have only been together for under a year, but have talked a lot about our future, without either of us feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
I have been back in Germany now for a month and almost right away started working again. To be honest, I had never wanted a long distance relationship and I know myself well enough to understand that this itīs not for me. Obviously, hardly anybody chooses to be in one, but I think some people handle it better than others. So I really tried to get busy right away, also to start saving up again. Iīm staying with my parents right now, mostly because they have all the space and because I donīt know yet where Iīll be in a few months. I am in the lucky position that I can work as much as I want to in this job and leave when I need to.
My partner will be here in a couple of days. We have no actual plans yet for what weīll do after spending christmas and New Years with my family. Heīs always been willing to learn German, stay here for a bit, get a work visa and work. Weīd get our own place, I would continue to work in this job and heīd start with a language course.
Hereīs the thing: for three weeks now my partner has been feeling severely depressed. I first thought it was just sadness, feeling blue, adapting to life without me there and not having structure (he doesnīt work and is staying with his parents right now). He had told me about previous depressive episodes, but he has never seeked therapy and all throughout our time together he did not experience any depression.
I gotta be honest, it has been really tough. With him finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning, I found myself sorting out everything for him. He hasnīt been able to handle easy tasks, kept pushing obliagtions away. He also hasnīt spoken to anyone else about how he has been feeling. Sometimes he procrastinated in the past, but I have never seen him so lethargic, exhausted from nothing - itīs like he is a different person.
He is looking forward to coming here and is certain, that it will make him feel a lot better. But I am really, really anxious and concerned. He doesnīt know anyone here, he doesnīt speak the language, not everybody is nice enough to switch to English right away. He wonīt be able to work until he has basic language skils. I just feel like his will put a massive amount of pressure on him and I donīt want that.
Iīve been thinking about whether or not it would be better to settle in an English speaking country for a bit, so that language isnīt an issue. Another work visa for Canada will be hard for me to get without a job offer.
Weīre both quite open to anywhere, although weīre close with our families. I am more ambitious than him in the sense that Iīd like to have a career, whereas his biggest priority is that he enjoys his work.
I have spoken to him about my concerns, but he keeps insisting that getting out of Canada and being with me is what will make him feel better.
Has anybody ever dealt with a similar situation? How can I be supportive and create a good situation for us here without starting to feel frustrated, as I will be the only one "in charge", the one he relies on completely? Isnīt this asking too much of him - isnīt this challenge too big?
Any advice would be so appreciated.
Comment