Another trip cancelled. I am devastated.

[CaptainEo]

My boyfriend (American) and I (French) saw each other for the last time in April 2018. We were supposed to see each other in September after a very difficult summer during which I worked absolutely every day right in our window of available time to chat (there's a 7 hour time difference). I am a student so he is the one who pays for the plane tickets. But in August, he tells me that he had a huge financial problem (his ex wife didn't pay her share for the kids' school and she owed him around $10,000). Something happened at work too and he wasn't able to take any time off. It was horribly tough on me. I was availavle in October and December but those are times of the year he dedicates to his kids so it had to be mid-january. He's the kind of person who tends to buy plane tickets at the last minute because he is never 100% sure that work won't drop something on him. However, he told me yesterday that we couldn't see each other this time either. The government shutdown is greatly affecting him and, on top of that, his mother in law just had a stroke and he was counting on her to watch the kids since the mother is not a reliable person. (His kids don't know I am his girlfriend. His son is very fragile. He wants to wait before telling them).
I won't be available until April. Which means another 100 days. An entire year without seeing each other.
I have never been so depressed. I spent hours crying yesterday evening. I had to take some pills to force me to fall asleep. Today I am just laying in bed staring at the ceiling.
I am so mad at Trump with his stupid wall. So mad at the United States for even having a governement shutdown. So mad at my boyfriend for not being able to just make me come to his house for his kids' sake.
And I know very well that IF we see each other in April, it will be only 5 days. After a year apart.
I love him. So much. But it is because of it that I suffer so much today. I won't be able to take another cancellation. My mental health is starting to be greatly affected.
I don't know what to do. I need help.

[LisaS]

It kind of sounds like your boyfriend has too much going on to have a relationship, let alone a long distance relationship! Do you feel like he’s making you a priority?

If he can’t visit you, is there any way for you to take time off to see him before April and both of you split the cost? It sounds like he has limited money and obligations at home. Do you have more flexibility with being able to leave and do you have any money saved up or a job? Time and money is required for visits and if neither of you have that then I’m not sure how this long distance relationship would work.

I do hope you find a compromise and a way to see each other soon though! Good luck!

[CaptainEo]

I can never be a priority as his kids are his priority, they come before everything even his own needs and happiness. He never visits, I am always the one coming and it can't happen as long as the shutdown is not over. He usually doesn't have money issues but he got unlucky in september and this time too. He is currently working without being paid, thank you very much Trump.
Splitting the cost is not an option. I am a student. I have nothing but the money I earned during summer and I have to pay absolutely everything with it. I offered to miss school before April but he nas not answered to that. He is currently very worried about how he'll manage life without her mother in law to watch the kids when he works.

I have time. I don't have money. He (usually) has money. He doesn't have much time. Everything had worked out until september. It is true we only saw each other twice, but it was bearable. We first met in January 2018. He took me on a very expensive trip to disneyworld. Paid for everything. So he has money sometimes. Then we saw each other in April. Seeing each other in September was reasonnable. I could have never imagined we wouldn't see each other for so long. He admitted he never envisioned it happening either. I know he is very sad and lonely too. But he has a lot on his plate and doesn't take my reaction very well. It makes him very sad and anxious.
It is a very difficult situation. I've made sacrifices and changes in my life in order to be able to move to the US once I get my degree. I love him. And I know he loves me. Would breaking up be the right decision? Is it better to be miserable together or separated?

[LisaS]

I think if you’re more sad than happy then it’s probably best to go your separate ways. Sometimes the stars just don’t align and the timing isn’t right even if you love each other. When I started my LDR, I was fortunate enough to have flexibility to take time off. But if it had happened even just a few years earlier or when I was a student, I definitely wouldn’t have had the time or money to go anywhere. When do you finish your degree? If it’s soon, you could try to hang in there until you can move to the US. But if it’s too long then I don’t know if it would be worth it to be miserable. You are still young and have your whole life to live!

[Littlewhiteflower]

Would you be more miserable separated than you are with him? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Would you be happier without him ? Can you imagine your life without him? If no than i would suggest to continue since you are going to see him in april which is in 3 months. His situation is hard right now and it's normal for him to be anxious. He is dealing with a lot by himself. As a good partner, you should try to be there for him. I don't mean physically but at least emotionally.

If your studies allow you some free time, you could work part time. I work about 9h a week while studying full time. I also work full time in summer. It takes a bit of energy and a lot of organisation, but it is manageable. If you can earn a good salary with these few hours a week, and if you save them all by only using your summer money to pay off your rent/food/bills, then you will save quite a bit of money in a short amount of time. In other words, you keep the money you earn in the summer for what you need to pay during the school year and the little you do every week by working, you save it. You don't need to work everyday to save.

Minimum wage (according to google) in france is 9.76. Multiply it by 8h/work/week = around 78
Multiply that by 4 weeks in a month = 312. If you save it, then after 2, 3 months, you have an interesting amount.

Perhaps with your studies, you do not have enough time to work though. So, in that case, I would suggest thinking about whether or not you can continue to be in this relationship.

[CaptainEo]

Yes for the moment I am more sad than happy and I know it is the same for him because we're going through a crisis.
I will get my degreee in 2022. I get why you tell me it is not worth it, I really do. I tried to break up with him in a moment of great distress, I couldn't say the words because it was too difficult but when he understood it was what I wanted to do, he refused it. I tried to make him understand I was miserable, that's when he said he was miserable too but not willing to give up on me because his life was better with me in it.

I have to admit I have great difficulties imagining my life without him. We don't have the perfect relationship nor the ideal situation to be in a long distance relationship. But we love each other. I am not a serial dater, I've had few serious relationships in my life because I am extremely picky. He has two kids and didn't have any relationship since his divorce. We have something strong but it is a lot of work and emotionally exhausting. I am not dating him to pass time or to brag about having an American boyfriend (Americans are not very popular in France anyway...).
I am here for him, he knows it, I told him, but my distress cannot be hidden and I don't want him to think I take it well. He needed to know it is really hard for me.
About my studies, they don't leave me the opportunity to have a job. I start at 8am and end at 7.30pm with lots of hours of no class completely randomly in my schedule. Also, money is not the main problem. Let's say I find a job (which would be a miracle, I don't know who would hired me with my availability), it would ask a lot of energy and time from me, add stress I really don't need and for what? His main problem is his work not letting him take some time off and having to find someone to watch his kids. Money is just something that kaes it even more stressful but it's not the main problem. My mother actually offered to pay for half of the trip as a birthday gift, he refused.

I love him and he loves me. I don't want anyone else. I am not dreaming of a perfect relationship here in France. I want to hang on. It is just so hard. For the moment, I am miserable, very much so. It is a great disappointment and now my concern is that it can happen everytime. Will we see each other in April? How long will we be apart after that? Those questions are killing me and I just hope to find a way to calm my anxieties.

[Honour]

My ex SO and I tried to meet up 4 times over the course of our 3 year relationship, each time was a negative I struggled to cope with, and each promise made that ended up going broken was enough to drive another nail into the coffin on our LDR. I totally get the disappointment aspect... there's only so much one person can take. I'd say take the time to evaluate if this is going to cause you more harm in the long run than good... There are pros and cons to every situation, in my opinion. But know that sometimes you do have to look after number one. At the end of the day, sometimes you have to be selfish to be kind to yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I understand how you can feel. Perhaps he refused your mother gift because sometimes men feel less men when they have to ask other people money. It might be a gift, but for him it can look in his head as if he was not man enough to cover the travel expenses. So it might be why he refused.

I understand too the long school schedule. I'm a student myself. The good thing about most of canadian universities is that you can build your own school schedule and find time in between to work a little bit. So I thought it might be the same in France although I imagine the school system is much more different.

I think you should try to focus on the present moment. The reason why human stresses is because we have the intelligence to project us in the future.
Focus on the moment now. You get up one morning. Plan the day and only that day. Chase the ideas that make you think of the future at least for a little bit. It will give you a break. I used to stress with my LDR. I was thinking when will we close the distance? I can't handle another 3 years apart.... the stress I had was reflected onto my relationship. My boyfriend felt the stress too and it was not helping us at all. I tried to learn how to live for today. I am not able to do it perfectly. Actually I'm far from being able to do it well haha but it is something you need to learn to work on. The future is often stressful. If you focus on the present moment, you don't think about your worries. So instead of focusing on : I don't know if I'll see him in April and if not, what will happen, why don't you think about : I will call my SO today and will read a book after or go for a run (or whatever you like that makes you stop thinking). Thinking too far ahead brings anxiety and it is not good for anyone. Since you are overwhelmed right now, i would suggest doing that for a bit.

I think people nowadays have the "break up" easy. Oh it doesn't work.. let's break up. I think that if you learn how to deal with hard moments, it just makes you stronger in your relationship...

[LisaS]

Sorry I didn’t mean it was time to break up, I just meant that no one is worth your happiness, but if he makes you happy then of course it’s worth it to try to stick it out! But if you stay, then I think you have to figure out how to feel better about not being able to see him as much as you’d like. I agree with the above poster and focusing on the present moment. Excercising, hobbies, studying, spending time with friends can help you cope. If you are able to, perhaps talking it out with a conselor or a therapist can help. Or you can look into books about positive thinking or try meditation. It takes time think differently about things but I think it’s worth a try. You don’t want to be miserable until 2022!

[CaptainEo]

Thank you for all your answers.
The present situation has more cons than pros, in my opinion. I am miserable, that is the truth. The frustration of not seeing each other in September already brought many tensions between us as his work asks a lot from him. Not even mentioning his kids who are the most important people on the planet to him. He is a guilty father with a depressed 7 year old son. He constantly feels that he HAS to be 100% with them. We talked about it and he said he wouldn't change. That's when I wanted to break up. It was too much. We don't see each other, we chat during the day but it looks more like "good morning how are you?" and then me sending messages he barely reads. Anyone would say "woooo girl what are you waiting for? Just break up!".
But then what? I get over the break up and go on with my life? "Oh it's gonna be hard but you'll forget him".
What if we had met in the future, when his kids were older, able to look after themselves and to understand their father can have a girlfriend, and when I would have been about to get my degree and to move to the US? It's a matter of circumstances, him, as a person, he is the one for me, and I don't want to reject him for the hurricane in his life. I try to put myself in his shoes, what if I was the one with kids, without a second to breathe and suddenly my boyfriend tells me he can't be with me because he wants it all now.
It's like you said, I have to focused on the here and now, something I am a very hard time doing. I am an anxious person and I dream of stability and I like to think ahead, to know where I am going. It's an exercise I will have to practice everyday.
I already see a therapist, I didn't get to see her since my boyfriend told me we wouldn't see each other in January.

Yes; I am miserable. Very much. It's horrible. I cry everyday and it doesn't help that people around me don't really like that I am in a long distance relationship, they're like vultures waiting for that kind of event to tell me to break up and find someone in France. I've been on this planet for 28 years, it took me this long to find someone who would make me think "I could imagine making a life with that person" and I had to find that person accross the Atlantic Ocean. I'm not going to let him go that easily, but my mental health will greatly suffer from it and it will ask so much effort.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Thank you for all your answers.
The present situation has more cons than pros, in my opinion. I am miserable, that is the truth. The frustration of not seeing each other in September already brought many tensions between us as his work asks a lot from him. Not even mentioning his kids who are the most important people on the planet to him. He is a guilty father with a depressed 7 year old son. He constantly feels that he HAS to be 100% with them. We talked about it and he said he wouldn't change. That's when I wanted to break up. It was too much. We don't see each other, we chat during the day but it looks more like "good morning how are you?" and then me sending messages he barely reads. Anyone would say "woooo girl what are you waiting for? Just break up!".
But then what? I get over the break up and go on with my life? "Oh it's gonna be hard but you'll forget him".
What if we had met in the future, when his kids were older, able to look after themselves and to understand their father can have a girlfriend, and when I would have been about to get my degree and to move to the US? It's a matter of circumstances, him, as a person, he is the one for me, and I don't want to reject him for the hurricane in his life. I try to put myself in his shoes, what if I was the one with kids, without a second to breathe and suddenly my boyfriend tells me he can't be with me because he wants it all now.
It's like you said, I have to focused on the here and now, something I am a very hard time doing. I am an anxious person and I dream of stability and I like to think ahead, to know where I am going. It's an exercise I will have to practice everyday.
I already see a therapist, I didn't get to see her since my boyfriend told me we wouldn't see each other in January.

Yes; I am miserable. Very much. It's horrible. I cry everyday and it doesn't help that people around me don't really like that I am in a long distance relationship, they're like vultures waiting for that kind of event to tell me to break up and find someone in France. I've been on this planet for 28 years, it took me this long to find someone who would make me think "I could imagine making a life with that person" and I had to find that person accross the Atlantic Ocean. I'm not going to let him go that easily, but my mental health will greatly suffer from it and it will ask so much effort.

Whilst my situation is not exactly the same, it does have similarities to yours. Our situation is complicated on my side, which limits my physical availability to my SO, but I have money and he doesn't. It is even harder when you have people waiting for your relationship to fail. My counsellor caused me problems from being insensitive and lacking understanding. I would say to keep those people at a distance if you can. I think for most people, if they haven't been in that situation themselves, they can't grasp why you would be in one. "But why would you chose that kind of relationship?" It's not that simple. I don't believe that you can choose who you fall in love with, but that is just my opinion.
The difference is those texts may been seen by some as meaning little, but in actual fact that can make the world of difference when you are so far apart, and times are hard.
Good luck, hugs and sending you loads of positive vibes.

[xxcazaxx]

Sorry that you are feeling miserable! The way I see it too though is you might feel miserable now, but how would you feel if you did split (possibly even more miserable). Due to a number of reasons I can only see my OH once a year (yes, its a nightmare) but in 2017 our trip fell through. I was gutted but in my heart of hearts knew that it couldn't be helped and even though it was so long between seeing each other I knew that I just couldn't even imagine being with someone else. We make an effort to call on whatsapp or facebook messenger as much as we can too which helps until we have a solution of how we can be together.