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USA-UK LDR, with depression

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    USA-UK LDR, with depression

    So my partner of 3 years is about to move from the UK to Washington DC to start work in his absolute dream job for 2 years. It's an unbelievable position, and there are absolutely no questions about him taking it up, I'm mega happy for him and I would do the exact same thing in his position.

    Issue is, I'm currently doing my Doctorate in the UK, and probably won't be finished until January 2020. Currently, we've got a really awesome life here. We've recently started living together (through necessity, otherwise the timing would have been a terrible idea) and we both love it. We spend a lot of time together, both working and relaxing. It was always on the cards that one of us would move away, we're both super career-focused, but now that it's actually happening, I'm a real mess.

    I'm hoping to go out there in September to visit him for a month, but I'm reluctant to commit to any longer because I'm at a really vital point in my own PhD and also, my past experiences of US cities weren't mega favourable. I'm a bit of a country-bumpkin and cities aren't my fave. I know it's unfair to guess at how I'll find it, but I'm struggling to frame it as an amazing opportunity. The other issue is, through a load of stuff, working in DC in the kind of career I'm hoping for, isn't really an option for me. It's possible, but very very unlikely. So the chances of me being able to permanently move out there next year are slim, and I don't want to bank on that.

    I've done long-distance when I was doing my undergraduate degree for 5 years and found it to be alright, but that was when we were both in the UK (plus in hindsight, it wasn't the greatest relationship). But my partner is a massive workaholic and between that, starting a new job, and being in a different time-zone, I'm unsure how he's going to adapt to being long distance. The time-zone thing, in particular, is really daunting. He's also not planning on coming back to teh UK very often at all. He's really optimistic that we can work through it, and says that it'll be up to me where I move once my PhD is done and he's open to trying to follow me there when he's finished his position in DC.

    Another issue- much of mine and my partner's relationship has been dealing with my depression, and he's amazing at helping me get through it. So I'm especially worried that he's not going to be around when I'm going through the hardest part of my PhD and also many of my closest friends have finished their PhDs and moved away too. I'm a massive pessimist, and am really struggling to visualise how on earth I'm going to get through all of this.

    So basically, I'm trying to ask does anyone have any advice about 1. Long-distance relationships across time zones, 2. trying to build a life when you're both annoyingly career-focused and 3. Long-distance relationships when one of you has depression. Anything would be helpful- or just someone telling me that this isn't the worst idea in the world ever.

    #2
    Long distance relationships take complete commitment, trust, and dedication to communication, as I'm sure you know from your undergrad years. Sometimes it takes a length of time to make the adjustment from close to long distance, especially after an extended amount of time together, and some times people can't make the adjustment. LDR is not for everyone, but it also can be very rewarding and strengthening to your relationship. What I'm trying to say is, you won't know if you can do it until you give it a shot. If it works, you have an amazing, strong relationship; if it doesn't, you won't regret not trying.

    Also, remember that your partner cannot and should not be your therapist. You alone are responsible for maintaining your mental health. Yes, your partner should be there to support you, but giving your partner the pressure of maintaining your happiness is not healthy for either of you.

    I hope I don't sound too harsh. Wishing you the best!
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      #3
      Not harsh at all, that's a good point and something which I have to remind myself of sometimes. I've had some therapy through the PhD too, but am definitely considering going back now that I'm dealing with this upheaval.

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        #4
        Both me and my SO deal with depression and time zones. He is 7 hours behind at the moment, and it increases to 8 in the winter. In our situation, we have always been LD, so we've never known any different. It is tough, but we make it work as best we can. I went out to see him in february, and we won't meet again until this Christmas due to our current circumstances. Hopefully that will improve next year, but time will tell.

        Regarding our mental health, we both find each other to be a huge positive to our overall mood, and we support each other when times are tough. It works well for us, so there is hope that you guys can make it work.

        I would recommend getting as much help from other sources as you can too. I see a consultant, a therapist, a psych nurse, and I have a couple of groups that I attend as well. They all help me in different ways from socialising to support, even making friends.

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          #5
          I can empathize with this as my partner has depression and I have PTSD, so even when together, we've had our fair share of learning to live with mental health. We both see counselors and we both see psychiatrists; there's nothing wrong with having your partner there to support you when you're struggling but if you are feeling that you rely on them to cope, then it could be worth re-evaluating your coping mechanisms. Even when people aren't in LDRs, it's simply not going to be possible for your partner to always be there for you, that's not a realistic or healthy expectation. Now is a good time to bolster supports that are external to the relationship.

          I wish you the best of luck; keep us posted and let us know what's going on so that we can try to help make plans with you for your well-being

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