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US/UK--making space/leaving things?

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    US/UK--making space/leaving things?

    Hello!
    So, I'm in the US and my partner is in the UK. We are fortunate enough that I can visit her at least 3 times a year. Sometimes more. Sometimes for up to 10 days at a time, sometimes only 4.

    After the first 3 visits, I asked if I could leave a toothbrush and a small bag of toiletries, since I knew I was returning shortly (that was a particularly short interval between visits). That seemed fine, and for another 4 visits or so, my toothbrush and some small toiletries have lived in her bathroom.

    For my birthday, she asked what I wanted. Since we've been together over 2 years now, I asked for a small basket or drawer or something classy (better than cheap travel toiletries bag/pouch) to hold my stuff, and maybe I'd buy some regular sized things when I get there in a week. I attached a screenshot of some things from IKEA just as a visual idea (most in the £10-15 range, all small footprints, and almost all are totally portable and can be stuck in a closet when I'm gone, and all had usable top surfaces if she wanted to leave them on the counter.). I made sure she understood this was kind of my way of committing to coming back for the next several years until we are able to be together full time.

    Her reaction was unexpected. Very awkward, she has been working hard to get rid of excess stuff in her flat, she wants to move stuff out, and she doesn't want to add more clutter...she said she's ok with me having regular size toiletries there, but...(I'm not even sure how it ended, besides “we'll figure something out”...it was weird for a while, and I didn't know how to respond).

    I get not wanting to have something sit on your counter, unused, for months at a time. So why not consider the smaller things that can be stuck on a shelf until I'm back?

    I can't believe the crappy pouch thing is better than a small caddy, so if she's awkward about a caddy, it feels like she's actually displeased with me leaving stuff there at all, and doesn't want to say so.

    I'd thought we were way past “you're just a guest in my home,” but now I'm not so sure. I get that it's not my space, but I figured asking for a footprint of 4”x6” on her 2'x4' bathroom counter, after 2 years and 2 months together, wasn't excessive. Especially when we've talked about wanting to move in together as soon as it is physically possible, and other types of commitment (without the big “M” word, officially, but it's been implied). It's such a mixed message!

    I never ask for things. The thought of sounding/feeling selfish makes me ill. I only did this time because it was also my way of saying I wanted this to be a symbol of my commitment to return. And also a cheap birthday present. Now I don't know if I even want the damn thing, because if she does get something, I'll feel like she went “ugh, FINE, I'll do it” out of guilt. I did swallow most of my passive-aggressive martyr response (what I wanted to say was “fine, fuck it, I'll make sure I don't leave a damn thing there to clutter your space”, but I didn't.) I suggested maybe a small caddy with a handle that can more easily be moved off the counter when I'm not there. She hasn't said anything about it since.

    I'm also fairly certain I won't be comfortable sticking my neck out for a while. If she's happy with just talking for 20 minutes a night about our days, and then playing relationship for upwards of 3 or 4 weeks a year, I don't know if I'm ok with trying to ask for more.

    I'm mostly venting, but has anyone had this issue? Or similar? LDR being weird about leaving things at their place?

    Thanks!
    Last edited by Flautist2000; October 3, 2019, 11:47 AM.

    #2
    Actually yes, my SO is very picky about my things being left behind at his place. I visit every 2-4 weeks and stay a weekend at a time, so I'm there pretty often. One time I accidentally left a piece of my clothing and he messaged me about it before I returned home (5 1/2 drive). He said it was the OCD in him and it gave him sort of an anxiety.

    The very next visit I asked him if I could leave my body wash and hair products there since I literally have multiple bottles at my house and its pointless to tote it every visit. He immediately responded that he thought it was better to take it with me and touched base on the OCD again. Kind of felt like a punch to the gut but I shrugged it off and packed it up with the rest of my things.

    I guess everyone is different because I know for a fact that I wouldn't mind him leaving anything at my house, it'd make me feel closer to him in all honesty. More than likely it was not her intentions to make you feel that way.
    ~And ever has it been known that Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation~

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      #3
      When you visit next, have an honest conversation with her about it. If she doesn’t know you feel this strongly about it how can you come to a compromise and meet in the middle? If you’re looking at moving in together it probably wouldn’t hurt to start mentioning these things now. Ldr’s are all about communication, even with the little things. You don’t want this to fester inside you as it could cause an argument over something minor.

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        #4
        You guys are better than me. I would have a huge issue with that. I always left things at my husband's house when we were dating. And when he started coming here every week he moved all of his stuff in. And there was a lot of stuff! A shampoo bottle is no big deal. What will happen if you live together?
        sigpic

        I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

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          #5
          So, post visit, things seem to be just fine. She purchased a box where my things could live when I'm not there, and she (un prompted) said she's working on rearranging things so maybe I could have a drawer soon (she moved from a larger apartment with a storage unit, and now lives in a smaller apartment with no additional storage, so space in her bedroom is very tight at the moment). And she apologized for making me feel bad!

          Thanks all!

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