Reciprocal jealousy

[Chifuyu4]

My friend and roommate of 3 years told me yesterday that she and her boyfriend went engagement ring shopping and she's planning to move in with him next year. I guess moving in makes sense because she mostly lives at his house now anyway, but she seems so young to get engaged -- she just turned 21. She and her boyfriend just passed their one-year anniversary of dating so it seems so early to get engaged too, She also said she wants to get married next summer after she graduates, when she's only 22. I think part of the reason she's in such a hurry is because she's trying to be in a race with me to get engaged/married. She's very competitive and tries to compete with others in everything. I'm not so competitive but I am jealous of her potentially getting engaged. I brought it up with my SO when I was living in his city in the summer, and I felt like it might be a good time. We'd already talked multiple times about getting married (once we close the distance) and I know he wants to, but he seemed hesitant to get engaged at the time. I didn't really understand but he said something about how it would look like we just took the opportunity of being together to get engaged. I was like I guess ...?? I suppose a long distance engagement isn't ideal but I just really want that feeling of commitment. And idk I just feel jealous that after almost 5 years of an LDR I'm still not engaged and my roommate is more or less set to be married after a year of dating this guy.

Sorry I just wanted to rant, I'm sure a lot of us go through these feelings. It's tough to see other couples being together all the time and moving forward into the future while I feel my relationship is on permanent pause.

[BunnyPuppy]

It is perfectly fine that you are experiencing those feelings. Although I am sure that your willingness to get engaged is based on the feeling of commitment (and generally wanting to be together with your SO), currently it does seem like you also kind of want to get engaged partially because your friend is getting engaged, if that makes sense. The feeling of jealousy is normal but luckily passes in time (I've been there). I do agree that she is quite young and the relationship is quite new and it is weird for them to get engaged so soon. Looking around at wedding forums and news and whatnot though and that seems to be quite normal nowadays, to get engaged after a year of dating.

If it makes you feel any better I have been in long distance for eight and a half years now and we are still not engaged , even though we have discussed about it and marriage in general many many times and agree on things. But I know it happens when it will happen, I trust him and he knows my answer anyhow. He has stated that he will propose to me one day sooner rather than later. Not that I haven't occassionally gone through the feelings you describe!

You don't necessarily need engagement or ring, (though I am not sure if for you these two are intertwined) to "be committed", considering that you have also seriously spoken about marriage and future and closing the distance. Of course, the actual word of "being engaged" does make things seem so much more official, so I understand your feelings on the matter. So even if your pace doesn't seem as fast as your friends, your relationship is definitely not on a pause. Just moving at a slower pace.

In my home country of Finland, it is also perfectly normal for couples to simply agree to get engaged, together, with no proposal involved, not sure if that would be something up your alley? If you only plan to engaged after you have closed the distance, do you have any idea when that might be happening?