Long Distance Ghosting advice

[LDsparkle]

Met on an dating app before my 4 week yearly vacation to New Zealand. I live in NYC (42F), he lives in NZ (40M). We messaged every day for a month before I arrived in NZ. Messaging started really great, and just flowed. Not what I would call typical texting/messaging; it quickly evolved into long messages or paragraphs; maybe because of the 19 hour time difference & never being on-line at the same time. I've never texted/messaged someone like this. We got to know each other quite well over the 4 weeks of messaging. He knows I do this vacation every year, and am actively looking to move to NZ, hopefully by 2021, and we would talk about silly ways I could make a living in NZ, etc. We continue to message as I start my vacation in NZ, as I wasn't going to be in his area until the end of my trip. We ended up spending 4 amazing days together. I assumed that it wouldn't move on from their, even though I felt there was an amazing connection. We continued to message as my last days of vacation came to an end. On my way back to the states I sent what I assumed was my last message saying that I had an amazing time talking over the last many many weeks & finally meeting, and if we lived in the same city I would love to continue to see where this could lead. I assumed I wouldn't hear from him again, but the messages continued. We never talk about what "this" is for us, but there's lots of talk about me moving to NZ, visiting him again possibly in Nov, etc. We continue to message for two more months, every day. I am getting to a point of wondering what exactly "this" is, as I'm starting to get attached now. The next step in my thought process was lets talk on the phone, and I can get a real feel for what all this is really about now. I suggest this, and he seems OK with the idea but not really keen on the concept. This seems like a red flag to me but I'm not sure what it means. I try to get us to schedule a call since the time difference is so challenging, but he never bites & I drop it. A week later we are actually messaging in real time for the first time, as we are both online at the same time, all seems like normal. Same old easy conversation, banter, flirting etc. but in a text like exchange. I send the last message in that exchange, and he doesn't read it until the next day, and I've never heard from since. This was on Monday night & it's now Friday. We've never gone a day without messaging in 3 months. Do I do the dreaded double message to ask what's up? Or is this just typical ghosting (my first experience shockingly) and leave it be? I'm very conflicted on if I should send a message or move on. Thoughts?

[kate04]

I would send a message expressing concern and if no reply to that, move on.
I think the not talking on the phone is a red flag... there's no reason not to do that.
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. A trip was planned and it was all 'normal' then just like that, no response from him.
I told my new SO that if he doesn't want to talk to me any more, just tell me. It's better than the mind games and trauma. Plus I hate not having the last word!

I hope it works out for you and there's a reasonable explanation.

[vivid_idea]

I agree with Kate that it is perfectly fine to send a msg now just asking what happened. With the not wanting to talk on the phone, perhaps he really feels uncomfortable talking on the phone and that kinda worried him and he has backed off. I know it seems a bit weird but I was also very uncomfortable to talk on the phone with my SO. Still am a bit even. It’s because I like being in person and seeing their face when I am speaking. The phone feels a bit weird to me.

I hope you find some understanding. Good luck!

[MsGrim]

I think it would be okay to reach out again to see whats going on. Hopefully nothing has happened to him that would prevent him from messaging even if he wanted to. My SO and I agreed from the beginning that we would tell each other if it were over and not go ghost. Him and I both have some anxiety and I think it would be terrible to have the other ghost.

If you are able to get in touch with him and decide to continue this with one another, I would suggest having that "no ghost" rule set in place. Good luck to you!