Husband living with a female roommate

[Karz]

We have been married for a few years now but our respective jobs forced us to move away (different countries). My husband moved in with a female friend few months ago, since he is in between jobs and is unable to keep up with the rent; he said yes to the first person he knew was looking for a place to stay. At first I was okay with this decision since I wouldn't want him to go broke either. But now I hear that they're bonding for instance, shopping together, cooking at times, etc. I find this unnecessary. Living in the same apartment is one thing, but I feel like there is no need for him to put efforts to spend time with this person. I don't have trust issues, but I am uncomfortable with this socializing bit. Am I overthinking? Do I come off as jealous? I do feel a tinge of jealousy as I'd rather it was me doing all those activities with him. Long distance has certainly been difficult but hearing this in times like these is making it hard for me to think rationally. And when I told him the same he was taken aback. Said I was the one who suggested him to get a roommate in the first place (I did, however I was hoping it'd be a guy roommate). When he mentioned he was planning on signing a lease/contract together, it freaked me out furthermore and I just lost my shit and got angry at him. This is after me telling him how uncomfortable I am that he is choosing to spend time with the new roommate and get to know her.

I'm sorry for my jumbled and poor language. I'm just jotting down my thoughts as they come. And I'm really upset with the way he has handled the situation so far. Do I really need to explicitly tell him about boundaries? Am I crazy in thinking that this behaviour is uncalled for? Ugh.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

If you've told him you are not happy with the current situation, and he's dismissing it and plans to sign a lease with another woman, alarm bells would be going off for me.
You can live alongside someone without becoming friends. If the tables were turned, how would he feel with you doing the same with a male roommate?
To me it's about respecting your partner. I don't befriend guys, because I don't believe that is fair to my fiance.

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, I can and do relate to your concerns. My SO is in another country and he lives with roomies, and they are both female. In fact, this week they will get a 4th new roomie and I don’t even know whether the others will decide on a male or female. So potentially my bf will be living with 3 other women. They also do things together: watch movies, and cook lunch every day. The contact has become moreso due to the virus. Meanwhile, we can see each other once or twice a year :/

I don’t have issues with the women he already lives with as I feel their boundaries are already established, but I do feel uncomfortable about a new roomie being a female. What if they find each other attractive and get along well? I would think, in such circumstances, there would be little hope for him and I. He has said he would rather a male but it is also up to the others.

If you feel strongly about this issue, and I don’t blame you if you do, then I would tell him how it makes you feel worried and uncomfortable. Don’t accuse him of anything, but open up lines to discuss other options, him getting a male roomie for instance. All the best to you and sorry I couldn’t provide much comfort. But I can very much relate to your feelings.

[MsGrim]

Hi! Sorry you are going through this.. I know how difficult it could be with you two being so far apart and then someone else coming into the picture (even a friend). I know you and him have talked about it already but maybe another discussion should be the next step? Remain calm and really let him know how much this is bothering you. Tell him you are absolutely against the idea of them signing a lease together. For me, it wouldn't even be about trusting him... but you don't know this woman, her intentions, and if there is any attraction to him. I know some people would say that trusting him not to let her take it too far should be the case (and yes it should!) but hell, sometimes that doesn't give you the peace of mind you need.

I personally would never do anything to make my SO feel uncomfortable like this.. and if I did and he let me know, I would do everything in my power to fix it right away! My respect for him and his feelings are far more important than a roommate

[xxcazaxx]

We have been married for a few years now but our respective jobs forced us to move away (different countries). My husband moved in with a female friend few months ago,

They are friends, why would they not spend time together. Have you also considered that if money is an issue that it saves a lot of money to shop together and cook together. Cooking for one can be expensive.

[Rezie]

I think you do come across jealous and a bit unreasonable with expectation of them not socializing. To me those sound like totally normal roomate things to do. I don't have issues with opposite sex friendships. I do think we are entites to our feelings and I do find it a bit worrying that you told him that this made you uncomfortable and it sounds like he went ahead with it anyways. But to me it also sounds like you know this. I would try to think why you feel this way. Do you trust your husband? Are you jealous of this woman? Angry at the situation and taking it out on this? Are you just upset that he has someone to hang out with?

Just out of curiosity, if he is inbetween jobs why are you in different countries? I'm just wondering if this has something to do with how you are feeling.

[kittyxuchiha11]

I think you do come across jealous and a bit unreasonable with expectation of them not socializing. To me those sound like totally normal roomate things to do. I don't have issues with opposite sex friendships.

They are friends, why would they not spend time together. Have you also considered that if money is an issue that it saves a lot of money to shop together and cook together. Cooking for one can be expensive.

Completely agree with all of this. Reading your post, my first thought was how can you think this is unreasonable? He has a friend who he is living with, of course they're going to do things together. This only ever becomes a problem if he isn't making time for you still, he needs to live and enjoy his life and obviously he is enjoying living with this friend. If he is going to be staying in the area and these two get on then of course it makes sense to get a lease together. The only reason I'd be upset if if he has the chance to move back home and definitely 100% could, but chose to live with her. I'm with Rezie on you definitely need to look at and assess exactly why you're so uncomfortable with all this. From this post, it make it sound like you don't think men and women can just be friends, that there has to be some motive behind friendship.

[MorgsLily]

Completely agree with all of this. Reading your post, my first thought was how can you think this is unreasonable? He has a friend who he is living with, of course they're going to do things together. This only ever becomes a problem if he isn't making time for you still, he needs to live and enjoy his life and obviously he is enjoying living with this friend. If he is going to be staying in the area and these two get on then of course it makes sense to get a lease together. The only reason I'd be upset if if he has the chance to move back home and definitely 100% could, but chose to live with her. I'm with Rezie on you definitely need to look at and assess exactly why you're so uncomfortable with all this. From this post, it make it sound like you don't think men and women can just be friends, that there has to be some motive behind friendship.

Hey kittyxuchiha11,

this is kinda OT, but I wanted to thank you for that post. I know you replied to the thread starter, but it also helped me with a lot of stuff I'm dealing with in my relationship right now. Good common sense in there. Just what I needed.

[Karz]

Thank you Atlantic Crossroads, I needed this. I thought I was being unreasonable but it helps to know that I'm not entirely on the wrong..

[Karz]

Thank you vivid_idea, I'm more at peace now knowing I'm not alone . The covid-19 situation has thrown our timelines off track. These are stressful times, I hope things work out in your favor.

[Karz]

Thank you MsGrim, as per your advise, I had a few more discussions with him and I was calm throughout, explained him how I feel. He has agreed to find a replacement as soon as he gets into another job which will provide him more stability.

[Karz]

They are friends, why would they not spend time together. Have you also considered that if money is an issue that it saves a lot of money to shop together and cook together. Cooking for one can be expensive.

Yes I absolutely have. It certainly doesn't justify for him to spend more time with the roommate though, especially since it makes me uncomfortable.

[Karz]

I think you do come across jealous and a bit unreasonable with expectation of them not socializing. To me those sound like totally normal roomate things to do. I don't have issues with opposite sex friendships. I do think we are entites to our feelings and I do find it a bit worrying that you told him that this made you uncomfortable and it sounds like he went ahead with it anyways. But to me it also sounds like you know this. I would try to think why you feel this way. Do you trust your husband? Are you jealous of this woman? Angry at the situation and taking it out on this? Are you just upset that he has someone to hang out with?

Just out of curiosity, if he is inbetween jobs why are you in different countries? I'm just wondering if this has something to do with how you are feeling.

Thank you. Actually it's the other way around. I have friends from opposite gender that are just that-friends. Years ago when we were talking about friendships he commented something in the lines that girls and guys can never be just friends. And I kept insisting that they can citing my own examples or examples of my other friends but he wouldn't have it. This remained etched in my memory long after at the way he looks at such relations and I only recently remembered our conversation.

We are in different countries and he is in between jobs. What bothered me the most was- I was the one who insisted on him getting a roommate to save money and every time I'd bring it up, he'd brush it off saying he doesn't want to stay with another person as his past roommate experiences have been bad. So I stopped. And then one fine day he tells me, "Babe, I'm getting a roommate, she'll be moving in this weekend". When I questioned him, he retorted back "didn't you want me to have a roommate". I found it absolutely disrespectful that he'd throw that at my face.

The frustration of me being already on board with him regarding his finances ahead of time, and asking him to get a male roommate, warning him that his savings won't last, and him dismissing the suggestion citing job search as his priority, and then to find out that he gets a female one -months later- without my knowledge- am just speechless.

And to have her on lease, something he hadn't with any of his past roommates.

We're in different time zones, it's hard as it is to get online and spend time. When we set online dates, it's his responsibility to show up. When he ends up saying hey I was just hanging out with this person watching a show, of course it'd bother me. If I'm responsibly setting aside time for us, it's on him to reciprocate in a similar manner. And just to add more- he has lived with other people before but he didn't at the time compromise on our time. I don't generally get upset if we miss out on each other during the week and only catch up over the weekends. But if I don't get to see him even during weekends, and then I hear about all glorious activities he got into and didn't get time to even drop a message to let me know that he's busy...

I, however don't find it unreasonable at all to not socialize as much because he is kind of an introvert, he has stayed with friends he didn't interact much with, and I stay with a couple of friends myself, but I don't spend as much time interacting with them. And I'm not even that introverted.

I don't know.

[Karz]

Completely agree with all of this. Reading your post, my first thought was how can you think this is unreasonable? He has a friend who he is living with, of course they're going to do things together. This only ever becomes a problem if he isn't making time for you still, he needs to live and enjoy his life and obviously he is enjoying living with this friend. If he is going to be staying in the area and these two get on then of course it makes sense to get a lease together. The only reason I'd be upset if if he has the chance to move back home and definitely 100% could, but chose to live with her. I'm with Rezie on you definitely need to look at and assess exactly why you're so uncomfortable with all this. From this post, it make it sound like you don't think men and women can just be friends, that there has to be some motive behind friendship.

Exactly. He has reduced the amount of time he spends with me. He at his core believes girls and guys can't be just friends-him, not me- that's why it's making me so uncomfortable. You pretty much nailed it for me. I sincerely believe guys and girls can be friends and be friends forever. I have friends like that, childhood and college friends. Every time I'd hang out with them he had me feel like I'm crossing the lines. I had to sit and explain to him over and over that they're just friends. So you see the hypocrisy.

[DirkJanV]

Hi Kraz, I was reading through the thread and one thing puzzled me. If he is between jobs, and money is tight to keep a place for himself, why doesn't he come over to stay with you? Wouldn't that be a good opportunity to live back together? Find a job where you are? Why stay apart if the original reason for moving apart no longer exists? Probably there are practice reasons why it is the way it is. For the rest I think you are completely right. I would be concerned in the same situation if my SO would bunk up with a guy. He should take your feelings and concerns into consideration. As Atlantic Crossing wrote, it's about respect. Hope you can work it out with him. DJ