I messed things up - advice needed

[lovelight]

Hello all,
I'll try to be brief with the background story...
I have been in a 4.5 year long distance relationship, he is Namibian and I am Canadian. We recently got engaged while he was last here visiting me just before covid restrictions were placed. Right before he left, we found out I was pregnant, we mutually agreed to abort at first due to challenges with distance. By the time it came, I changed my mind, but sadly went through with it as I felt a lot of pressure to do so. I lashed out afterwards, said extremely hateful things. He attempted to take his life shortly thereafter. We went from talking everyday to silence for a month, then messages me telling me he wants to end us. That he belongs in Namibia, and will never come to Canada as he would be unhappy (which is confusing as we had been trying to accomplish having him move here over the last couple years with 2 failed attempts).
I tell him I want to go to him, I want to live there, and begging for a second chance to make things up. He at first agrees to this. Not even a week later he messages me and tells me he has changed his mind, that he no longer loves me.
How does one go from asking someone to marry you to saying they have no love left for you within 4 months?
I do admit that I was blind to a lot of things - I ignored I have been dealing with depression for the last couple years myself. I am seeking help. The strain of the long distance over nearly 5 years has been a lot, we have tried so hard and I can say I became not the best partner by the end. I became more distant, critical of him, and I had lost my passions. I hurt him.

I realize I won't be happy here in Canada. I believe he is my soulmate. I want to put myself out there, but I also want to give time to heal for both of us. I was thinking of going out there once borders open and I feel emotionally stable enough to show I want to truly try, that I am committed. Is this disrespectful? Is this crazy? I know I won't be able to let go and move on without trying. I will always have regrets otherwise.

[MsGrim]

Hi and Welcome!

I am sorry you are going through this.. my SO and I have broken up once before and I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult things I've dealt with. With that being said, I would say to take some time to heal, it took me about a month to realize that it was what I needed. Taking time for yourselves can be really beneficial, the both of you will have a chance to heal and think about the situation without being an influence in each others thoughts and decisions.

You two have been together so sometime now and there may be some salvaging it.. BUT only if you both want that; it doesn't seem like something major to end things over, but I may not know the whole story.. Maybe wait until the borders have opened back up and reach out to him then? Personally, I wouldn't just go to him without him knowing.. I tried that once He asked me to turn around and go home once he figured it out; it was so very painful hearing that from him but I couldn't image him telling me to my face.

It sounds like you two have a bunch to talk about, and some apologies need to be said.. If you need to see him to even get closure, talk to him about it and see what he says. If he doesn't feel comfortable with you visiting, then you shouldn't go.

Good luck to you! I know break ups are hard but you will get through this!

[DaveHV]

Hey fellow Canuck!

Sounds like a painful experience for you indeed. Things don't seem easy for you during this period of time. Seeking help with your depression has been a brave step you've taken.

Like MsGrim previously mentioned, waiting until border restrictions are lifted is the most pragmatic approach. Using this time to heal and reignite your passions would be sensible ehh? COVID has been stressful for everyone. He may not mean everything he says. If COVID restrictions has people going crazy here... just imagine the Namibian conditions.

Before you try to reconcile or tie up loose ends, you may ask yourself, "What are measurable steps I have taken to be less critical to others and to myself?" or, "what are some practical insights that my close friends and relatives can provide to me?"

[lovelight]

Thank you for your response.
Did you and your significant other make amends?
I would definitely not go there without him knowing and having a discussion first. I don't plan on reaching out until borders open again, which seems like late September at the earliest for Namibia. If he doesn't want me to see him, I won't. I was kinda planning on going there with a volunteering purpose though just so he does feel less pressure.
Prior to the break up we did talk a lot. Many mean things were said, there was quite the blowout of emotions. I really did some mean things over the last 2 years of our relationship - being very critical of him, all due to my own lack of self-esteem. I need to correct that and heal myself. He saw I lacked self-care and I did not give him enough love in this time. Our communication broke down, and at the time of the breakup, he did go back and forth a lot about whether to try again or not. Obviously outside influences from his family, friends, and therapist encouraged him not to continue.
I just really feel I understand now what I was doing wrong and why...that I was unhappy. I know I'm not a bad person, but he left me with the idea that he felt the way I treated him was inherent behaviour.
We put so much into having him be here. At the end of the relationship though he told me that he would never leave Namibia, would not believe I would be happy there. He was upset that I never spent enough time getting to know his family and friends (which is valid - we spent so much time one on one when we did see one another because it was so infrequent).

[MsGrim]

My SO and I did make amends, yes.. We only spent a little time apart but I do remember a whole lot of self reflection going on. Now that you know what you've done to tarnish the relationship, you'll be able to make big strides in fixing and healing yourself. I think the biggest thing you can do right now is to forgive yourself.

I can see where he is coming from about the not spending a lot of time with his family. I was in his shoes once with my ex husband. He never wanted to go spend time with my family and I somehow always found us at every one of his family's functions. It hurts and it kind of felt like he didn't care about my family. Not saying that you dont care, but for some, family is the most important thing.

Definitely take some time apart and just reflect, heal, and make yourself a better person. You never know, he may reach out to you.. Mine did randomly (post breakup) one night and its been uphill ever since. I dont think it would hurt to reach out once the borders open back up.. even if a visit doesn't come out of the conversation, you may find some closure.

[vivid_idea]

Going through an abortion must have been a very very difficult thing to go through, especially with so much distance between you. I am sorry you had to face that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

It sounds like you have done a lot of self-reflecting and you really want to make amends with your boyfriend. If you feel that you were not such a great girlfriend in the end then you really have to take the time now to work on yourself and change the things in your life that were contributing to the breakdown of your relationship. You have to do this because he needs to be able to trust that things will be better, if he does decide to give it another chance.

4.5 years is a long time to be in an LDR. He must love you to commit to something so challenging for so long. Give him time. Don't harass him, or make any demands. In a few days you could just send him a message saying that you are thinking of him, that you hope he is well, and that you are working on your issues. If he doesn't reply, give him more space.

Please don't talk about visiting him just yet, and never go there unannounced. I remember when I had a terrible fight with my SO I wanted to fly to him to "prove my love" because I was so desperate to fix things. But it's not the way. He needs to know you respect him enough to give him space, and he will likely only appreciate hearing from you if you can make him feel that things will change.

As tough as it is, some space is the best thing for now. It's serious that he says he would not want to move to you anymore. He may have said this out of anger and not meant it. But if it's true, then it does make sense why he has decided to end the relationship.

All the best to you, keep us posted.

[lovelight]

Again, thank you for all the input. I need as much as I can get.

I don't know if there is ever a way for me to prove I have changed unless I can show it (obviously after I have worked on myself). I just am not sure how to do this other than in person.

He did say after some time he would be open to talking as friends, so I know there is an opportunity to chat again. I know we both need space to heal. I would not contact him directly this soon after, it's only been 3 weeks. And at the time of our breakup he was already made aware that I was in the process of seeking professional help - so not much point in mentioning it again.

His family and friends are a large part of his life and influence him greatly, and he told me I would have a difficult time gaining their approval. I never had much of a chance to get to know them, I deeply regret this. I spoke with my therapist about sending letters to express my gratitude and apologize, as I never meant to make them feel as though I didn't care enough to get to know them. What are everyone's thoughts on this?

[BaconGirl05]

My SO and I broke up for a few months about 2 years into our relationship. We had been fighting a lot at the time and we had said some horrible things to each other as well as other factors that influenced the breakup. During that time, I was heart broken. I remember crying all the time and not really being able to eat. It took quite awhile to heal from what had happened. I remember texting him a lot and he got very frustrated and wanted me to leave him alone. He said that maybe sometime in the future we could be friends, but at the time he just wanted time away from talking to me. I eventually started getting my life back to normal. I had friends that would come check on me and help me with moving on. My SO and eventually started talking and did make amends and got back together. However, during that time apart, I started working on myself. It kind of showed me that I could't rely on someone else for MY happiness. We were a lot younger, but we took that time apart and matured a bit. It really was a good thing for our relationship when we got back together.

I understand how difficult and confusing this time is for you. I'm so sorry about what you went through on your own when your SO was so far away. I understand that you feel bad about what you said and didn't mean it. I'm sure we've all said things in the heat of the moment we regret, we all make mistakes. As for sending letters to express your gratitude and apologise, what about writing the letters to express your feelings but not sending them? I know that sounds strange, but it's a good way to get your emotions out there in the open without there being a chance of that other person rejecting them. I did this quite a lot when my relationship with my dad broke down. I knew my letters wouldn't have mattered to him, but that's how I was able to get closure. It sounds like you've already apologised but he needs time away from you. I know you mean well with sending those letters, but he might take it the wrong way and it could make things worse.

You said you think you were unhappy - this would be a good time to find happiness within yourself. Take time to heal and practice self-care. Try and find some closure within yourself as well because you might not be able to get the closure through him, unfortunately sometimes we have to get that ourselves. Who knows what the future will be like for you guys, but at least you'll be more self-aware and hopefully be able to grow from this.

I wish you the best xx

[lovelight]

Even though they are letters to his family and his friends? I would not reach out to him. I am having a difficult time forgiving myself and I know I need to do that in order to heal.

My ex told me that many of his friends and family expressed they didn't think I cared enough to get to know them, which is far from the truth. I want them to know that. I feel there weren't many opportunities taken on my part, but I was pretty focused on spending time with him as we did not see each other much. I regret not spending more time with them.

[DaveHV]

We're not defined by our mistakes. You don't need to beat yourself up about it too much. Take things one step at a time to heal.

Your approach is very understandable. It's not entirely your fault because Namibian cultural values especially in social and familial spheres are different. You can express your thoughts and emotions in the letters.