I’m Worried Our Relationship Won’t Survive COVID-19

[Wanderer21]

4 years ago I met a guy through a mutual friend online. We started texting and became very close. After a few months he told me he liked me and I felt the same way. It just so happened that I had plans to visit our mutual friend that summer in Norway and arranged to meet up with my guy in real life as well. We spent a wonderful summer together and decided to give the long distance thing a shot.

I went back to the states for a year and came back to Norway the following summer to be with him again. We spent another summer together hanging out with friends, traveling, and meeting his family. But towards the end of my visit things started to take a turn. He was devastated by the thought of me leaving again and we were fighting a lot about the future. I later found out that he had cheated on me with one of his close friends while I was still in the states. In the end, we broke up a week after I returned to America.

A year went by and we barely spoke. But then he reached out to me. I had rejected his attempts to contact me in the past, but this time I decided to hear him out. He told me he regretted how he left things between us and that even back then he wanted to pick up the phone and take it all back the second he ended things. I had never fully gotten over him so I agreed to start talking again as friends. He didn’t know it at the time but I had already applied to several grad schools in Europe when we reconnected. One of those schools was in Norway where he lived. After a few months we realized that there was too much history and chemistry between us to only be friends. He said he wanted us to be more than that and have a real future together. I agreed.

A few months later I received news that I was accepted into the university where he lived and we started making plans for me to move there and start our life together. Then Covid-19 hit. International borders shut down, visa centers closed, and my first semester in Norway was changed to online courses only. The school is still expecting international students to move to Norway in January for in person classes but this has added an additional six months to our long distance relationship. At this point we haven’t seen each other in person for two years and it’s starting to get to us. I’m willing to wait an extra six months and so is he, but he’s told me that if my second semester gets changed to online courses he won’t be able to do this anymore.

I’m really scared that the future of our relationship is dependent on whether or not immigration to Norway opens up. I don’t want to lose my dream guy over something so uncontrollable, especially when our feelings for each other have grown stronger than ever before. I know that all this time apart and living separate lives is hurting him, but I think the pain of not being in each other’s lives would be so much worse. I’m just scared that the distance is going to get to him again like it did the first time we were together and cause us to break up. Is there anything we could do to work through these last few months of long distance until January? And if my move to Norway does get delayed another six months, should I let him go or fight to keep him in my life even if it is just long distance?

[OhioJim]

..... I don’t want to lose my dream guy over something so uncontrollable, especially when our feelings for each other have grown stronger than ever before. I know that all this time apart and living separate lives is hurting him, but I think the pain of not being in each other’s lives would be so much worse.....

Did you answer your own question?

If this statement is true, then your relationship will survive and in the end be stronger.

If I were you I would tell him exactly what you said that I quoted above.

Yes this pandemic has made it hard on everyone, especially LDRs. But the wait will be more than worth it.

[Redheart14]

That’s really selfish of him to say if things get delayed longer he won’t wait anymore. Uh, no one can control what’s happening with covid. You’re moving your life to go there and he can’t wait a bit longer if needed. You’d think he’d be trying to prove to you, after the whole cheating thing that he’s changed and wants to be with you. I’d be very cautious here, that sounds like a red flag to me.

[DaveHV]

He's a big cheater and he expects you to do the heavy lifting? Huge red flag... it would be wise to proceed with high caution. I don't think the man with his issues is capable of doing LDRs. Is it wise to let just history and chemistry negate his character and actions? Do your personal concerns matter at all to him?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'm going to share my personal experience here, in case it's of any help.

In March this year, me and my fiance broke up after months of struggling and disconnection caused by numerous factors, including not having had a visit for a year. I reached my emotional limit, and told him that I couldn't cope anymore...but despite that, he would have to dump me because I knew I couldn't walk away from him. It took us going round in distressed circles for at least an hour before he finally let me go. But as soon as he had, the pain was overwhelming and I knew I'd made a horrific mistake. I spent the next 3-4 weeks trying to get him to be with me again, but he said he couldn't get there so soon. We agreed to stay friends, but I quickly realised that was not something I could do because of the pain it caused me. So I made the tough decision to cease contact for a week. In our first call after that time apart, we reconciled. And as much as that experience was the most emotionally horrific of my life, I'm so glad that we experienced it. I believe that we both learnt a lot from it, and he has since agreed that he won't leave me ever again.
We have now been apart for 16 months, and with covid-19, we've no idea when we can meet again. But despite that, we have plans for our future together. We've talked about how to close the distance and weighed up the options. But we've never talked about the possibility of splitting up because it has set us back by at least 3 months.

I'm of the opinion that if he truly loves you, he'll wait for as long as it takes. True love shouldn't have an expiration date. That to me implies that he thinks you are replaceable if he deems it necessary. His past actions do seem to have affirmed this before.
I know my fiance misses me desperately, the same as I miss him. But I also know I can trust him 1000%, because whilst we're not physically together, we are together in every other way. It doesn't sound to me like he is truly with you. Both me and my fiance would do anything for one another, circumstances be damned. Adaptability and flexibility are so important in a LDR, and I'm not convinced your guy has that for you.