Travel plan - need advice

[potato_66]

My boyfriend (living in the US) and I (living in Japan) entered an international long distance relationship recently. We didn't know when we could meet again because of the travel ban all around the world but then news came out and it seems possible for us to meet in Hawaii because neither of us will be required to self quarantine as long as we test negative.

So I suggested we should meet in Hawaii to spend a winter vacation, but he says he would rather spend the holidays with his parents because he couldn't spend holidays with them last year due to his job.

I think it's quite reasonable and I do understand spending the holidays with his parents is important for him, but the thing is if we don't meet this winter we don't know when we can meet again.

I wish we could arrange our trip some other time maybe in January or February, but it's difficult due to our jobs. It seems like we will have to wait at least until April but that's the best case scenario and it could get delayed by months.

Would it be selfish of me if I suggest he spend Christmas with his parents and New Year's with me?

I know this is not a who-is- more-important-for-you issue, and I want him to spend the best holidays with his parents, but I can't stop thinking "Can't you meet them anytime?? You both live in the US" (well he needs to drive a long way to see his parents but they're way closer to him than me. He stays at one of his parents' houses so actually they could even live together for a while)

Like, "If we don't meet in Hawaii we won't be able to see each other for at least half a year, but do you still choose to meet your parents who you could meet basically anytime?"

Any thoughts on this situation?

Should I just let him prioritize the holidays with his parents if it could ruin our relationship to strongly insist we should meet this winter?

Or is it even a sign that he might not be as invested as me or could it be the case he is just the kind of person who thinks spending holidays with his family is more important than anything else no matter what?

[MsGrim]

Hello and welcome!

I can see both sides of this. Me being a strong family oriented person, not spending the holidays with my family is kind of a big deal. But honestly, if my SO suggested we spend Christmas or New Years Eve together, I would be on that like white on rice! No way in hell I would give up that opportunity.. ESPECIALLY if we wouldn't know when we will see each other again.

I think it's a good idea to suggest him spending Christmas with them and then making plans to be with you on New Years. Just express to him your concerns about not seeing each other and let him know why you think this is a good idea.

Don't read into it as if he isn't as invested as you, that's not a fair assumption to make. I see you're in your late 20s so I am going to assume he is around the same age as you? By this time in most people's life, maturity has settled in and we start thinking logically. You two should make this decision together, come up with a compromise that will fit the needs for both of you. Why can't you spend the holidays with him and his family? I don't know the travel restrictions for international travel, but Hawaii is a part of the US so I'm wondering why the same quarantine rules wouldn't apply to the motherland as well. Approach him with a level head, don't start making demands for a visit, get his opinion on this and see what he thinks would be the best solution so that he can be with his family and you as well.

[potato_66]

Thank you so much for your message!

As you guessed he is around my age (2 years younger).

One concern is that he easily gave up on the option for us to meet in Hawaii without even considering every possible solution. It might be unreasonable to demand that level of commitment especially at an early stage of the relationship, but I feel like "Don't you want to meet me? I would do anything if I can meet you. Are we on the same page...?"

One thing I should probably note is that he doesn't think we need to meet in person frequently and he has been clear about that from the beginning of our ldr, but still I think having to wait AT LEAST for 6 months is quite long and I start to doubt his feelings because he is not excited in front of the feasible means to see me in 2 months.

Unfortunately, situations are different between the motherland and Hawaii and currently Hawaii is the only place in the US I can go to without 14-day quarantine. So visiting his parents with my boyfriend is not possible.

Anyway, I will try to approach him in the way you advised. I have a bad habit of confronting sending long texts like a debate, but I know this kind of approach is not wise.

Again, I appreciate your advice!

[MsGrim]

Hopefully a calm discussion can get you both what you want!! Best of luck!