I'm an American guy currently in a long-distance relationship with a woman from the Philippines. We are both in our mid to late 30s. We do have a strong emotional connection, and we both want the same things; a family and a good life together here in America. I'll share some details of our conversation here, but I'll obviously keep it anonymous to protect people's identities.
We've recently had a couple of misunderstandings though and I'm having difficulty understanding why they happened in the first place. I believe they were simply due to cultural differences or perhaps even language barriers, but I'll share the details of our conversations here so some of you can weigh in and share your thoughts. Some of you might even have some valuable insight for me. I feel like I need help because lately I find myself apologizing and having to try to make amends for reasons I don't understand.
Incident #1:
We were talking online (text messages) and I thought it would be fun (and perhaps even mildly romantic) to imagine what it will be like when we're finally together for the first time, and specifically, how we might respond upon my arrival at the airport in the Philippines.
In the back of my mind, I remembered the awe-inspiring scenes from certain YouTube videos I saw in the past of couples finally meeting after a long wait during a long-distance relationship, where one or both persons would run excitedly and passionately into the other's arms. I have certain romantic visions of how our own experience might unfold, but I wanted to hear her vision of our first meeting as well. I thought perhaps it might be heartwarming to share these visions and fantasies with each other, and that it might even help us to form an even stronger emotional connection. So as not to get her expectations too high though, I told her I would also be nervous about the first time we meet in person. She asked me why I would be nervous, so I told her I was worried she might not like me as much in person, despite my understanding that this was an irrational fear to have for a couple already professing their love for one another on the daily. Not all fears are rational though, and I think it's perfect natural for people to feel a little nervous the first time they meet someone in person, even if they have no reason to believe things won't go well.
When I told her this, I thought she would respond totally differently from how she actually responded. I hoped she would quickly reassure me that I had nothing to worry about, and tell me she'd be so happy to see me that my fears were totally unnecessary. Instead of offering me emotional support however, or even playfully laughing at the absurdity of having such fears, she got very upset with me, and she accused me of casting doubt on our relationship. I was totally dumbfounded how she went from hearing me confess my irrational fear and nervousness about our first meeting, to thinking I was casting doubt on our relationship. In her mind, it is apparently not possible to be nervous about our first meeting, while simultaneously being in love and wanting to be together. To her, these feelings are somehow mutually exclusive, and cannot coexist.
Do you believe she's right that my nervousness about first meeting her is totally inappropriate and that I can't be nervous if we really love each other? Please share your thoughts and insights.
Indicent #2:
We were just talking this morning. Well, it was morning for me, but she's 12 hours ahead of me in the Philippines, so it was about 10:30PM for her. During our conversation, I recalled a certain abnormality in our Skype video call from the night before, and I was playfully curious about it. We've been telling each other we love each other every time we talk for roughly the past two weeks. It has become the norm, but of course it still brings joy to my heart every time I see or hear her say it. I don't think I'll EVER tire of seeing or hearing it, and I'll certainly never take it for granted. However, yesterday she was at her friend's house, and there were several other women there (it was a sort of ladies weekend gathering thing), and when we talked on Skype, I wasn't sure if she wanted to say she loved me in front of everyone so I decided not to put her on the spot by saying it first. So I waited to see if she would say it, but she did not. It was not a big deal to me. I thought maybe she just didn't want her friends to tease her or gossip about it, so maybe that's why she didn't say it. Or perhaps she was just distracted by all the excitement that was going on around her. Anyway, it didn't bother me, but I couldn't help being curious about it, so I playfully told her I noticed she didn't say it before she ended the call with me. I was careful in my wording to show a playful context as well, with laughs and terms of endearment to set the tone. This is exactly how our conversation unfolded:
_
Me:
"babe, i noticed you didn't say you love me when we talked yesterday on skype haha"
"too embarrassed with your friends? hahaha"
Her:
"Ha?"
Me:
"lol it's ok babe... im only teasing"
Her:
"Did I?"
Me:
"no you didn't say it before you ended our call"
"it's okay though..."
Her:
"Did u said so?"
"Ur trying to say I don't love you coz my friends was there when we are talking?"
Me:
"I did not say it first because I knew you were there with a lot of your friends, so I waited to see if you would say it hehe"
"Noooooo"
"babe you don't understand"
Her:
"So it's a big deal?"
Me:
"I'm not saying that at all... I was just playfully teasing you about it because you didn't say it. It's okay babe, really. I know you love me and I love you."
"No, it's not a big deal babe... please don't be too serious."
Her:
"Many things u notice. U want to start again an argument"
Me:
"Nooo babe I'm not trying to argue lol"
"you seem to think I am, but I'm not"
"Sometimes you take things I say out of context babe."
"Please relax and be happy, ok?"
Her:
"If I don't love you or proud of you as to be my boyfriend and to be my husband I won't introduce u to them or I won't talk about u to them."
Me:
"Like you told me, we should be positive, ok?"
Her:
"Coz u want to start again"
Me:
"Hehehe babe nooo... you don't understand what I meant. I wasn't trying to argue hun"
Her:
Is it positive u going to tell me that? Do u think I will be happy when say that?
Me:
"oh my gosh babe... please don't be so worried... In my mind I was only being playful with you"
"i was not trying to be confrontational"
Her:
[She gave me a dismissive thumbs up emoji]
Me:
"you misinterpret my intentions babe"
"i hope you understand..."
Her:
"No comment anymore"
Me:
"i honestly don't understand how i manage to upset you sometimes... but i will stop talking now because i know you are tired and i don't want to make you anymore upset"
"goodnight babe... i really do love you and i really do want you to be happy"
Her:
"Good."
"Goodnight babe"
"I love you always even u annoy me sometimes."
Me:
"please believe me babe, you just don't understand me sometimes "
Her:
"I'm sleepy and tired"
Me:
"you assume things that are not true sometimes"
"but it is okay, we can work at it"
"it will be easier to understand me in person, versus over text messages online"
Her:
"Maybe. But before u say it think about it. Try to ask also yourself. If it is a good joke."
_
As you can see from her final reply there, I'm clearly the one at fault, but I'm having difficulty understanding it. I believe my intentions were innocent enough, to playfully tease her about not saying she loved me during our skype conversation the day before, but I honestly never imagined doing so could spiral out of control like it did in the conversation you see above. She essentially went from seeing me playfully tease her about not saying it in that one particular instance, to accusing me of trying to start an argument and thinking she doesn't really love me.
Does she have an unstable tendency to always assume the most extreme rationale behind everything? Was it really foolish of me to bring it up? Did she overreact, or was I too insensitive? I'm very interested to see more insights and hopefully I can better understand where I went wrong, and how I can do better in the future. Please share your thoughts and comments. Thanks everyone!
We've recently had a couple of misunderstandings though and I'm having difficulty understanding why they happened in the first place. I believe they were simply due to cultural differences or perhaps even language barriers, but I'll share the details of our conversations here so some of you can weigh in and share your thoughts. Some of you might even have some valuable insight for me. I feel like I need help because lately I find myself apologizing and having to try to make amends for reasons I don't understand.
Incident #1:
We were talking online (text messages) and I thought it would be fun (and perhaps even mildly romantic) to imagine what it will be like when we're finally together for the first time, and specifically, how we might respond upon my arrival at the airport in the Philippines.
In the back of my mind, I remembered the awe-inspiring scenes from certain YouTube videos I saw in the past of couples finally meeting after a long wait during a long-distance relationship, where one or both persons would run excitedly and passionately into the other's arms. I have certain romantic visions of how our own experience might unfold, but I wanted to hear her vision of our first meeting as well. I thought perhaps it might be heartwarming to share these visions and fantasies with each other, and that it might even help us to form an even stronger emotional connection. So as not to get her expectations too high though, I told her I would also be nervous about the first time we meet in person. She asked me why I would be nervous, so I told her I was worried she might not like me as much in person, despite my understanding that this was an irrational fear to have for a couple already professing their love for one another on the daily. Not all fears are rational though, and I think it's perfect natural for people to feel a little nervous the first time they meet someone in person, even if they have no reason to believe things won't go well.
When I told her this, I thought she would respond totally differently from how she actually responded. I hoped she would quickly reassure me that I had nothing to worry about, and tell me she'd be so happy to see me that my fears were totally unnecessary. Instead of offering me emotional support however, or even playfully laughing at the absurdity of having such fears, she got very upset with me, and she accused me of casting doubt on our relationship. I was totally dumbfounded how she went from hearing me confess my irrational fear and nervousness about our first meeting, to thinking I was casting doubt on our relationship. In her mind, it is apparently not possible to be nervous about our first meeting, while simultaneously being in love and wanting to be together. To her, these feelings are somehow mutually exclusive, and cannot coexist.
Do you believe she's right that my nervousness about first meeting her is totally inappropriate and that I can't be nervous if we really love each other? Please share your thoughts and insights.
Indicent #2:
We were just talking this morning. Well, it was morning for me, but she's 12 hours ahead of me in the Philippines, so it was about 10:30PM for her. During our conversation, I recalled a certain abnormality in our Skype video call from the night before, and I was playfully curious about it. We've been telling each other we love each other every time we talk for roughly the past two weeks. It has become the norm, but of course it still brings joy to my heart every time I see or hear her say it. I don't think I'll EVER tire of seeing or hearing it, and I'll certainly never take it for granted. However, yesterday she was at her friend's house, and there were several other women there (it was a sort of ladies weekend gathering thing), and when we talked on Skype, I wasn't sure if she wanted to say she loved me in front of everyone so I decided not to put her on the spot by saying it first. So I waited to see if she would say it, but she did not. It was not a big deal to me. I thought maybe she just didn't want her friends to tease her or gossip about it, so maybe that's why she didn't say it. Or perhaps she was just distracted by all the excitement that was going on around her. Anyway, it didn't bother me, but I couldn't help being curious about it, so I playfully told her I noticed she didn't say it before she ended the call with me. I was careful in my wording to show a playful context as well, with laughs and terms of endearment to set the tone. This is exactly how our conversation unfolded:
_
Me:
"babe, i noticed you didn't say you love me when we talked yesterday on skype haha"
"too embarrassed with your friends? hahaha"
Her:
"Ha?"
Me:
"lol it's ok babe... im only teasing"
Her:
"Did I?"
Me:
"no you didn't say it before you ended our call"
"it's okay though..."
Her:
"Did u said so?"
"Ur trying to say I don't love you coz my friends was there when we are talking?"
Me:
"I did not say it first because I knew you were there with a lot of your friends, so I waited to see if you would say it hehe"
"Noooooo"
"babe you don't understand"
Her:
"So it's a big deal?"
Me:
"I'm not saying that at all... I was just playfully teasing you about it because you didn't say it. It's okay babe, really. I know you love me and I love you."
"No, it's not a big deal babe... please don't be too serious."
Her:
"Many things u notice. U want to start again an argument"
Me:
"Nooo babe I'm not trying to argue lol"
"you seem to think I am, but I'm not"
"Sometimes you take things I say out of context babe."
"Please relax and be happy, ok?"
Her:
"If I don't love you or proud of you as to be my boyfriend and to be my husband I won't introduce u to them or I won't talk about u to them."
Me:
"Like you told me, we should be positive, ok?"
Her:
"Coz u want to start again"
Me:
"Hehehe babe nooo... you don't understand what I meant. I wasn't trying to argue hun"
Her:
Is it positive u going to tell me that? Do u think I will be happy when say that?
Me:
"oh my gosh babe... please don't be so worried... In my mind I was only being playful with you"
"i was not trying to be confrontational"
Her:
[She gave me a dismissive thumbs up emoji]
Me:
"you misinterpret my intentions babe"
"i hope you understand..."
Her:
"No comment anymore"
Me:
"i honestly don't understand how i manage to upset you sometimes... but i will stop talking now because i know you are tired and i don't want to make you anymore upset"
"goodnight babe... i really do love you and i really do want you to be happy"
Her:
"Good."
"Goodnight babe"
"I love you always even u annoy me sometimes."
Me:
"please believe me babe, you just don't understand me sometimes "
Her:
"I'm sleepy and tired"
Me:
"you assume things that are not true sometimes"
"but it is okay, we can work at it"
"it will be easier to understand me in person, versus over text messages online"
Her:
"Maybe. But before u say it think about it. Try to ask also yourself. If it is a good joke."
_
As you can see from her final reply there, I'm clearly the one at fault, but I'm having difficulty understanding it. I believe my intentions were innocent enough, to playfully tease her about not saying she loved me during our skype conversation the day before, but I honestly never imagined doing so could spiral out of control like it did in the conversation you see above. She essentially went from seeing me playfully tease her about not saying it in that one particular instance, to accusing me of trying to start an argument and thinking she doesn't really love me.
Does she have an unstable tendency to always assume the most extreme rationale behind everything? Was it really foolish of me to bring it up? Did she overreact, or was I too insensitive? I'm very interested to see more insights and hopefully I can better understand where I went wrong, and how I can do better in the future. Please share your thoughts and comments. Thanks everyone!