Long distance anxiety in a healthy relationship

[amber2020]

I am in a healthy relationship with an American man for a year and 5 months. it was difficult to admit, but we soon admitted to each other that we were madly in love with each other. My best friend knew it straight away, she knows me inside and out. I have never been so in love with a man as I am with him. our connection is amazing and we have the same approach to life. He is the love of my life. I had an anxiety disorder for 10 years before I met him and I overcame it 5 years before I met him. We met each other in my hometown at work, i’m a stage manager and he is a soundengineer for a american bluegrass band. I immediately thought what a nice man and he later thought the same about me. and we had a few drinks after work until I had to leave because I had to work for his band again the next day. the band went to rehearse and we spent the afternoon eating falafel and chatting about everything. I thought that I wanted to keep in touch, but that also makes no sense, he lives in America, and at that moment he asked me and if he could have my Instagram name and stay in contact. I was really happy and my answer was yes. then we went back and I decided to go home. our goodbye was very strange. I wanted to kiss him and he felt a lot too. I had tears in my eyes on the bike and I'll never see it again. and he was upset too. I've never experienced anything like this before. When I got home he had already sent me a message. I was really intensely happy. And when we started, from that moment on we chatted every day. he sent me pictures and I sent him. and he kept me informed of everything. I chatted with him for a month and I really wanted to see him before he went home. I suggested we meet the day before he left in amsterdam. And he thought that was a great plan. we had all thought of things to do and I was really looking forward to it. Then my cat got sick and I couldn't leave it alone and I asked him if he wanted to come to Groningen. he did not respond enthusiastically. I had given him space to think about that. the band eventually convinced him that he had to go because he was chatting and calling me non-stop. I was so happy! we had the most fantastic day and I was nervous but it also felt confident. we looked for my cat and walked and talked and he washed clothes and it felt like it had always been like this. he suddenly kissed me and I didn't dare and he was going to stay the night, but because of the hectic atmosphere at Schiphol he had to leave again that evening. We didn't have sex, but before he left we kissed very intimately on my couch and if he didn't have to leave we would definitely have had sex. then I took him to the station and I told him if you meet someone else then that's fine and he got very confused and I didn't realize what I was doing. I was scared. When he was back home we continued to talk and facetime day in and day out and we tell each other so many times how much we love and miss eacht other and eventually we wanted to see each other and he was actually going to come to me but then suddenly he couldn't so we decided that I would go to him. For someone who had an anxiety disorder, that was quite a big deal. but I did it and it went really well. it was weird seeing him in real life and in Chicago. it was very difficult but also fantastic, lots of sex and talking and walking. but he drinks a lot and that was very difficult for me. but when I was back home after 3 weeks we decided a week later that I would come back for 2 months. Those two months were very nice but also difficult because he drank so much. he never hurt me but sometimes you get into fights because someone is drunk and I'm not. but we kept talking and motivated to keep a relationship. he is the love of my life and he also said he wanted to change that. Minus his alcohol consumption, he is the most perfect man I have ever met. I can talk to him about anything and we have so much fun and we have the same values. and we also want to marry each other and I want to emigrate there. When I came home I had a very difficult time. I was so insecure and scared that he didn't like me and jealous about other woman and scared that I wasn't good enough and that my English wasn't good enough and that he prefers to talk to other women and that I would lose him and I kept that to myself until 4 months ago. I had a very bad childhood and only bad relationships and he is the first relationship that is really good. my mother never saw me and my brothers were always her everything. she is very negative and really made my life hell. When I was 4 years old, she had to leave her house, so I lived in a bus with my father for a year. I haven't had any contact with her for a long time but she is angry with me and she hates me. I have had an incredible bond with my boyfriend's mother ever since we met. she came up with the idea of doing EMDR for my old traumas. I started doing that and after 3 sessions I was over my traumas. I felt euphoric and I have never felt so good in my entire life. my friend was completely impressed. When I had my period things went wrong, it was very emotionally difficult, I thought everything had been for nothing and all I could do was cry. When I stopped having my period it was better, but not as much as in the beginning. but my therapist said that was normal. A while ago I noticed that the contact with my boyfriend was decreasing and that we did message, but he did more of his own thing and still drank a lot. the relationship I had before was also with a man who was an alcoholic and that was very difficult and I had an anxiety disorder so it was very difficult for him but also for me. I can talk very well with my boyfriend about his alcohol use and he also says that he is doing it, but I doubt it.I dont want to live togehter with someone who drinks a lot i;m so scared about the future. I'm going back to him in 10 days for 3 months and I'm very scared. I've also noticed lately that I don't miss him and that I'm not horny. We haven't seen each other for 4 months now and before I stopped missing him, I missed him very obsessively and was horny a lot. I doubt everything and whether I still love him and whether he still loves me and I doubt my sexuality and I am very scared and i don’t no what to do. I told him that i’m scared and that i have doubs about my sexuality and if he still loves me and if i stil love him. I also talked about all of this with my best friend who I have known since I was 8 and she tells me not to worry. I’m so scared to see him again and I don’t no what to do. Does anybody have experience with this?