She's not out... I've been out for years...

[hmrambling]

I am her first girlfriend. We are both in our late 30s. I've never made an announcement at work, but people know... as do my friends and family. I don't say, "hey, I'm gay." But I talk about my partner and the things we do, and those around me generally know that I'm gay because the important person in my life is female.

I'm going up to see her next week and there may be an opportunity to meet some of her students, maybe colleagues, maybe family... she prefers to say that I am a friend. I've done the dance, done the charades years ago. I've been the "friend" before. I remember that nagging feeling of feeling like a lie and a secret. I want to honor her request. I understand it takes time to come out. My being comfortable with my sexuality did not happen over night - not by any stretch of the imagination.

It took me years to get where I am today and I am having a challenge with being the friend. Part of me feels less than, jealous, angry, disheartened... I know what goes along with being introduced as a friend. I've done it before. It does not feel good. Part of it is that friends, family, colleagues presume that I am just a friend, nothing special, no one special. I feel like I am being asked to put part of me aside and I feel like I don't get the status of being her girlfriend - and I won't. I'm having very selfish feelings about it.

Right now, she may not realize what she is asking of me. I believe in years to come, when she has worked hard to be comfortable with herself and be out to others, she will realize what she is asking of me. It is like giving up part of my identity. I've agreed to do it, though. I wish she could know that it is a very selfless act for me to honor her request and that it hurts to be introduced as just a friend. On the other hand, I want to be loving and supportive and want her to come out as she is comfortable. I don't want to make her uncomfortable in public or show any signs of affection if she is not ready or is not comfortable.

It's been a long time since I was 'just a friend'. It hurts to feel like I will be introduced as someone insignificant or unimportant. I want to see her, and am willing to do this for her. Doesn't mean it won't hurt.

[Mims27]

I've read this thread like four times now and I want to say I was kind of in her shoes but kinda not at the same time. I will try to explain...we'll see if it makes any sense. lol

I have been with my girlfriend for just a bit over 3 years now and I was REALLY confused with my sexuality until I met her and fell hard. It was hard for me to admit it to myself that 'm gay and to everyone else. (It still is) I was trying to process it all (being gay and being in love with someone who lived FAR) at once and it was kinda overwhelming. When I went to visit her the first time, I did tell people she was a friend and did for quite a while. And took me like a year to come out to my mom. And yeah my girl did ask me when I was going to tell people because she did feel like I was "hiding" her. But in the end it was up to me and when I was ready. Pressuring, which I'm sure you are not doing, is the worse thing to do. BUT you should definetely talk to her about it. Has she told you that she does eventually want to come out to people? Or that she is not ready? Or even why she wont come out? What did it for me was that I had met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is not something that should be "hidden" whether this person was a guy or a girl didn't matter anymore. Does that make any sense? lol


Basically her not being ready is one thing but her dragging it and dragging it is another.
Drop me a message if you want to chat...I have a hard time putting my thoughts in to words in a way that makes sense, sometimes. LOL

[hmrambling]

I appreciate your response. We have talked about it, which is why I say that some of my feelings are selfish feelings. Plus, we've only been dating for 3 months. We originally said we'd wait 6 months before any intros to family. She's just learned that her father won't be at the recital. So, I won't have to worry about her family on this visit. She's not comfortable with PDA in her city and is not ready for people to know. Airport PDA is not cool with her in her city either. These things come with time. They don't happen over night, I know. I don't want to pressure her. I'll just take it as it comes. I believe it will work itself out in time. She's not ready to be out now, and I'll have to deal with that as it comes.

I guess it is worth mentioning that she visited me twice first. Her comfort level here was way different than it is in her city. So it may have been presumptuous of me to assume that things would be the same in her city as in mine. I was accustomed to how she was open down here. Up there is a different story. On the other hand, she was taken back about how there was no PDA in front of my family when I introduced her to my family. They knew she is my partner, but we didn't hold hands or kiss or touch. At first she was hurt. One would think she might understand how I feel in the current situation... maybe not.

[Gemxlove]

I feel the same exact way in my relationship i am on the recieving end as well of feeling like I am a secret and my girlfriend is 13 years older than I. We will be together or should I say 'apart' for a year in July. I definately do not get to see her as much as i would like. But next time around, (The end of this month) I will get to see her! I understand that age is not a factor in 'Coming out' and also that family is the only thing you truly have at the end of the day for most people is to why it is extremely hard for others to come out. I can understand where my girlfriend is coming from but it has me in great anxiety wondering where the future will go with her. Truth is you cant hide something forever.

[hmrambling]

It is getting better with time. She is getting more comfortable, I think. I visited last month and there were times when she held my hand in her city. It felt good. It just takes time, I guess.

Patience.

[Mims27]

I'm happy to hear that hmrambling!

[hmrambling]

She's still not out to her family or friends or work. Nor does she tell anyone she is in a committed relationship. She just had lunch with her ex-mother in law this past Sunday who has hopes of the family being together again. She didn't tell her that she is in a relationship.

Yesterday, she was at work and had a rough day. She texted that she wanted hugs and chocolate. I sent truffles to her work. It was our 7 monthiversary. The card read, "Happy 7 months, love always, Hope." I say again, that she is not out at work. She is very upset and believes I intentionally and maliciously outed her at work. She said she does not want to see me. She is supposed to be here tomorrow.

Interesting turn of events.

BTW - that was me who posted anonymously saying that I got the ring for her. https://members.lovingfromadistance....n-t-tell-her-P

[Mims27]

I'm really sorry to hear this but I can't help but wonder how commited she really is. I think we all get how difficult it is to come out of the closet, we've all been there, but there comes a time where she'll need to stop caring what people think and be happy. Coming out was probably the hardest thing I've had to do but I knew that if I didn't I would probably lose my girlfriend. I don't think a relationship can survive being hidden away like that.

I wish I could give you better advise or tell her to msg me so we can talk, cause I've been in her shoes. hehe I kid. *hugs*

Edit to add: Do you think maybe she hasn't fully come out to herself yet? I had feelings for and was sexually envolved with my SO before I even told myself "I'm gay". I don't know if that makes sense but after I admitted it to myself, everything to came together.

[Karoshi]

Sorry to hear that :/ My close friend was in exactly same situation as your SO - she was in LDR with a girl (plus a girl 6 years older then she was) and she wasn't out, she only told me and I had to promise not tell anyone, she was still very unsure about her sexuality and didn't want to tell anyone because she was actually ashamed of being gay. Wasn't your SO raised in conservative family? I have several gay friends, so I know how hard it was for them to come out. Maybe she feels that commited relationship with a woman can disqualify her in her work?
Anyway, I agree with Mims, I don't think that hiding relationship can survive. But good luck to you both!

[hmrambling]

We talked when she got here. She apologized for over-reacting to the chocolates at work. She is not ready to come out, though. She just is not ready. I don't want to push. I'd rather have her be comfortable and for me to be pushy. When she's ready, she'll be ready.

[Mims27]

I'm glad to hear she went to see you anyway and that you talked it over!

[hmrambling]

We talked when she got here. She apologized for over-reacting to the chocolates at work. She is not ready to come out, though. She just is not ready. I don't want to push. I'd rather have her be comfortable and for me to be pushy. When she's ready, she'll be ready.

I meant "I'd rather have her be comfortable than for me to be pushy." Terrible typo!

Thanks Us talking it out helped a lot.

The ring has arrived from England. I really want to give it to her. I'm going off the tracking number that says it has arrived. I'm not home to check the mail. I want to see the ring to see if it needs to be polished first. Part of me wants to give it to her, explain that it is antique, and then offer to have it polished.

Would that be cheesy to give her a ring that has not been sized & polished? I believe that the ring size is close to her ring size, if not her actual ring size.

[hmrambling]

She went to visit her father on Tuesday, and visited her step-sister from Tuesday to Sunday. We talked online on Friday. I was upset because we had limited contact. Online chats were short. I asked her if she was wearing her ring. She said no. She didn't want her brother or father to ask about the ring so she left it at home.

I told her that I didn't feel important or a significant part of her life due to being a secret, and was hurt that she wasn't wearing her ring. She defended her decision to not wear her ring. She came out to her sister and brother in law. We continued to have limited contact until her return home last night. At which point, she said that she was nervous about contacting me because all we do is bicker.

I don't know if I can be someone's secret - it makes me feel small and insignificant. She said she came out to her step sister and brother in law for me and that it only made me happy for a day. I feel that she had a say in her coming out, that it was up to her.

I spent the majority of my holiday alone with limited contact from my partner. I realize that I can and should do more to get out socially so that I'm not stuck with holiday blues. Before my partner made the trip, I asked her if she wanted space and if she wanted to include me on the holiday. She said that she did not want space, and that she did want to include me on the holiday. I feel very distant since we had limited contact over the holidays and wish she had told me ahead of time about the ring situation with her family, and that I didn't find out by asking her - I felt like I had to draw it out of her and that she would have omitted that or not told me if I didn't ask.

I feel very distant. I don't know if being with someone in the closet is for me. It feels like a part time deal and that she wants to represent herself as single so she doesn't have to out herself. It wouldn't even matter to me if she said there was someone in her life, and she didn't out herself.

When I arrived in New Haven for Thanksgiving, she had neither the necklace I gave her or her ring on. I wonder now if she regularly represents herself as single and if I am that significant or important in her life. I am having a lot of doubts right now.

[Mims27]

Man oh man...still huh?
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. *hugs* Unfortunately you can't force her to come out. I was in her position once and it was HARD but it had to be done. There was no way I was going to keep my GF a secret. She makes me happy, so why hide that huh? I'm not big on ultimatums but there's comes a point where you just can't just sit back and wait anymore. You want a future with this person and if she does want one with you too the ball is in her court. A future is hard when you have to hide your partner...She needs to show effort too. Yes it's hard but for me it was also a HUGE load off my shoulders. I know my gf would've never stuck around if I hadn't done it. And I wouldn't blame her.

[hmrambling]

We have a one year anniversary coming up. I asked her if she wanted me to come see her. She declined saying that the relationship is too codependent right now. She's doing more things out and about in her city and we've cut back on the texting, IMing, and talking online.