I do not even know.

Hello you guys. I cannot believe i actually made one of these accounts...but I guess it is time that I get some advice. You see, I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year. We have been together since February 2, 2013. I miss him every day, and its incredibly hard. Our relationship is pretty weird actually. He's not out for one, so we have to sneak around his mom so that he can talk to me and Skype and stuff, but also, he doesn't talk. Like...he's a mute. He says it that it is not me that makes him not talk, but i find that hard to believe because whenever i show up he immediately shuts up. For a while, i tried to get him to send me little voice clips and that worked out alright i suppose. But now he does not do it anymore. I cannot get him to send me voice messages, or a video of him talking, or get him to talk to me on the phone, or get him to talk to me on Skype. I am in desperate need of advice, would any of you please help me? Does this happen to any of you? please help.

[differentcountries]

Hi,

it sounds hard to keep things in hide. We are in the process of deciding who should know what.

Can you get him to communicate well without the talking, and then slowly work on perhaps him talking to you a little more? There is a lot of people here who are shy on Skype, or is afraid someone will hear them speak and listen in on them. If he lis a minor that are not out to his parents he might struggle with some stuff, too, that puts preassure on his talking to you.

[Lucky]

Whenever you show up he shuts up... so he can speak he just won't with you?

I am guessing it could be shyness, I kind of was like that with my first boyfriend but then again there was also the language barrier. To be fair I do feel more comfortable typing, maybe he does too? does he mind the camera?

Perhaps he is paranoid that his mom will hear you guys talking, explain to him that we can just have friendly talk and that way if his mom listens she will think he is just talking to a friend, save the romance for emails and for when you are together in person or phone calls while he is out for a walk or something.

[jaybear0429]

The problem with my boyfriend is that he can talk, he just can't/chooses not to when im around. He cant speak to me or anything. He can talk just fine over messaging and stuff like that, just text on a screen. But he wont even record his voice to send to me. It's driving me nuts and i have no idea how much longer i can deal with it. It hurts, because it makes me think that there is something wrong with me.

[lyonsgirl]

Maybe it's like Lucky said, he's afraid his mom will find out. Side note: if your boyfriend is actually able to talk, he is not mute. Sounds like he's either paranoid or shy. Or both.

[TaraMarie]

Selective mutism?

[merlinkitty]

Selective mutism?

I thought that too...have you guys tried to Skype and instead of talk, just text?? I mean like with the video running and all, but just so you're texting back and forth instead of talking. Maybe you could get him to try that for a while and see if he warms up again?? I don't have any experience with selective mutism, but I do get the shy stuff.

[rhabdoviridae]

I hope that you're able to persuade him, but perhaps some flattery is in order. Maybe tell him that you loved hearing his voice when he sent you a few voice clips, it really made your day, you find it to be soothing/beautiful/whatever you find it to be. Might help him open up a bit

[talim]

Maybe he has no privacy at home and therefore he feels uncomfortable talking. I can understand this because when I still lived at home, there was always someone around, we have really small house and really big family. Why don't you suggest calling him when he is somewhere away from home, somewhere outside, where he can't be bothered by his family?

[Dwessie]

Selective mutism?

I agree with this theory!

[The_gentle_Hart]

Ok, so based on what I know of selective mutism it can be linked to processing and anxiety disorders....so the key could be as simple as trying to find out what does/doesn't make him anxious.

The simplest answer would be to ask him about it. Chances are that he *wants* to talk to you (after all, you both are in a relationship and he clearly is devoting energy towards spending time with you) but may feel anxious or uncomfortable doing so. Ask what you can do to help. Ask what makes him feel less anxious. Ask what could help facilitate communication (is eye contact an issue? Would it be easier for him to talk with an animal present--like a family pet? Does silence help or would some background noise work better?)
Keep in mind that this is meant to be a way for you and he to bond and become closer. Don't force him to talk if he doesn't want to. Offer help, offer safety, offer comfort and let him decide whether he wants to.

Note that his anxiety isn't necessarily a reflection on you as a person or a partner.

Sometimes folks get anxious for reasons that are hard to understand and may be affected by things completely unrelated to present situations...and that's ok.

For more information on how to support and communicate with someone who is selectively mute, try checking out the selective mutism center website or a similar organization.

[ronjaandbirk]

edit- just only now noticed this thread was old.. sorry!