Together in the closet

[ben.from.beds]

I wanted to ask the LGBT community about your experiences if any of you have dated (and even better if you've held an LDR) whilst one of you (either yourself or S.O.) was/is still in the closet?

I came out at 16, however my partner is not out to his family. We've managed to somehow work past this in regards to what we do and don't do, but because he lives with his parents we tend to have to limit ourselves with days out and usually only 1 every few months, just mostly so we can spend a little time together which doesn't have the usual distractions that come with having multiple screens all requiring attention. I'm mostly ok with our relationship, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't get me thinking from time to time whether I'm alone in this situation or if others have been through this sort of thing.

[Mims27]

I had not come out to my family when my girlfriend and I had started our relationship and I didn't for a little while after our first visit. My SO had come out to her's and she let me do it on my OWN time. Never pushing. I did it when I was ready. She supported that.

It went well by the way and we are now married!

[snow_girl]

So I know this isn't what you meant, but when I was in Grade 9 I was dating this guy who was from India, his mom hated that he was dating the white devil and my dad didn't like the idea either. He came over one Saturday while my parents were out. They came home unexpectedly so I hid him in my closet for like an hour, then I made him jump out my window and run away when it was clear. We tried it again the next weekend but he didn't make it to the closet in time and we got caught and in tons of trouble.

Anyway, moral of the story. Hiding in closets is bad and its better to be upfront and honest about your relationship even if you think people might not be totally okay with it, because they are going to be even more not okay with it if they find a guy in your closet hiding.

[Harlequin]

Anyway, moral of the story. Hiding in closets is bad and its better to be upfront and honest about your relationship even if you think people might not be totally okay with it, because they are going to be even more not okay with it if they find a guy in your closet hiding.

That's sound advice, but there's a matter of personal safety involved. If his s/o hasn't come out of the closet yet, there's probably a reason for that. He's living with his parents still, so if they're super homophobic, he might be looking at homelessness (and/or worse) if he comes out. I know when I was 16 and my mom was just paranoid about me being queer as hell, she threw me into a wall and hit me with a metal spatula so hard, it cut open my cheek.
When I was forced out of the closet a year ago, the only reason why she didn't react the same way again was because there was a "guest" in the house. I was thankful inasmuch as it gave her time to simmer and "come to terms with it" (as in, vehemently deny it and then get aggressive towards me any time something even remotely gay happens). If I wasn't forced out of the closet when I was, I absolutely would never have come out until I knew I was out of the house on my own and safe.

I had a queer relationship while being in the closet, but my partner was also male-passing. My partner was okay with the partial closet, because it was a matter of personal safety and they didn't want to push me into a dangerous situation. So while it sucks that you can't be as open as you would like to be, I'd find out his reasons for staying in the closet first. I'd rather be in a closeted, safe relationship than compromise someone's safety when they're not ready to/able to make that leap.

[ben.from.beds]

I had a queer relationship while being in the closet, but my partner was also male-passing. My partner was okay with the partial closet, because it was a matter of personal safety and they didn't want to push me into a dangerous situation. So while it sucks that you can't be as open as you would like to be, I'd find out his reasons for staying in the closet first. I'd rather be in a closeted, safe relationship than compromise someone's safety when they're not ready to/able to make that leap.

You are very right, My partner is in the closet and I would never dream of pushing him out, yeah at times I wish he was out, but we've talked it over a million times and then a million more. His family is super homophobic/religious and its fine with me. I came from a similar family but I chose to come out, having made alternative plans and packed a bag in case things got bad. If he is ever ready, I hope to be the one there for him, but if he never comes out, then we'll just have a "guest" room when we close the distance someday haha! He may be in the closet, but I love and respect him for it.

[Scouse05]

It's difficult having a relationship with someone who isn't out. My first gf wasn't out and I would go and stay at hers whilst she was living with her parents (an hour away so not exactly and LDR). Looking back I can't understand how they didn't click onto the fact that this person, who lived nowhere near their daughter has just come into her life and 'stays over at weekends' (we were in our mid 20's).

I agree with you in not forcing your partner to come out until he is ready. That is very understanding of you as I know of plenty of people who wouldn't do that. Good luck to you both, I hope that when the time comes you can both be together and out to everyone so that you don't have to hide your love (or have a 'guest room' for anyone but guests).

[hmrambling]

I came out when I was 16. A couple of years ago I dated a woman who was not out. It didn't work out. I had resentments about feeling like a secret. I thought she was embarrassed or ashamed of me. I belittled myself because I felt like being her secret meant that I was not a significant part of her life. I didn't feel like a 'significant other'. I felt like I died a little inside when she represented herself as single. I felt invisible and small. It did NOT work for me... a year into the relationship, and I was still a secret. I had even given her a ring and hoped for a future together. Even though I cared for her VERY MUCH, I had to let her go for my own sanity. Feel free to read some of my old posts if you want to read anguish and hurt around dating a closet case. I could not, in good conscience, continue to date someone who was in the closet who kept me a secret. In the end, I didn't feel like she was really available to me and it was heartbreaking. I was crushed and I had to let her go. Finally my rational mind won over my emotional feelings and I broke it off. It was really challenging for me to get over her. I felt/feel like there was/is someone out there who is available to me, who is out, and who would be proud to call me her partner - this has always been the case in the past: my partners have been out. Except for the one I really fell hard for... and it was really hurt to let her go.

YMMV.

I'm currently dating someone who is pretty much out. She's a school teacher and prefers to keep PDA to a minimum in the locale that she teaches in. I respect that and understand that. She also doesn't want flowers delivered to her job. I respect and understand that. I'm okay with those requests. In fact, I'm glad that we have open communication regarding how open she is and is not. She invited me to the spring concert where she will be conducting the school band. I may go to that concert because I feel honored to be invited to a work function. I'll be mindful that she isn't out at work and doesn't want PDA at work. A little bit of communication goes a long way.

I would not be okay with dating a complete closet case. It was heartwrenching for me in the past.

[differentcountries]

Not the LGBT closet - but we are halfway in the closet as LDR poly and expect to continue along that route for some time. We are not fully hiding our relationship, for instance we are very visable as being close on Facebook, but since nobody is looking for it it easily becomes like hiding in full sight. Nobody reacts to 2-4 weeks of visits where we all live together, most think we are all such good friends. I took of my wedding ring while going with him to visit his mum, it was not a good feeling but I understand SOs reasons for wanting me to and I did it to respect him and his family. We are slowly actively coming out towards more friends and family members, saving parents for last. However, because of my job situation and relatively good economy, we currently have a lot of freedom, which gives us the space that full openness would otherwise provide. I couldn't imagine having to keep silent about the true nature of our relationship AND not being able to see each other a whole lot. In the future I see for us, there is much more openness. But right now SO is scared and husband reluctant, so I agree to taking things slow and for instance not tell my mum yet. There is also an element of protection in keeping a low key while building trust within the relationship, making it sturdy enough for future criticism.

I agree with everyone else in not pushing a partner to come out. The partner is probably afraid and lacks the tools to be open, and being pushed may only enchance the bad feelings and makes the relationship feel not safe. Still, after the relationship is well established it will be helpful to have some kind of movement towards a future with more openness. Is there any chance he can live elsewhere then with his parents, so at least they are not directly monitoring who he sees? Can he ease the ground for himself by telling them more of what he does and is interested in?