Need Advice - My relationship is kinda stressing me and stuff

[Red-Frequency]

So... I want to say off the bat, I love this guy he's amazing... and we've been together for 11 months now and my feelings for him haven't changed if anything they've grown and continue to grow. I will say I am a bit of an insecure person y'know to the extent "Why would someone like you want to be with someone like me?" stuff, you know the sort, Yeah, that's me...

1. Unreal response times : So! We met through a group hangout on Google+ and at the start we talked and stuff through the group hangout, at the time it seemed fine to because the group was really small and we was all really close friends, and often if couples started talking and stuff people would just leave them to it... Then when the Hangout started getting bigger I decided to start talking to my boyfriend through a private just me and him most the time, it felt like the right thing to do and my boyfriend said he had no problem with me and him mainly talking in private and at first the response where nice and fast, I'd say something and get a response a couple minutes after or instantly but now honestly I'm most of the time waiting 10 - 30 and sometimes more for a response and 8/10 of the times the response is a couple of words like "Okay baby" and just really standard responses, and honestly I've sent him a message and for 10 minutes just watched him not even look at the private window but be active in the group window constantly starting discussions with the people there and putting personality into responses then when it comes to responding to me privately I get something bland and few words that gives the impression that he hasn't really read what I've said and just figured a throw away response was good enough.

2. Reluctant to do more : So... This problem showed itself last month. Early June I asked him what would he think about us talking over audio calls through Skype and stuff a little, I was telling him how it would be good for us, like.. Give us more possibilities for things to do together and allow us to do other stuff while talking to each other more easily since we would be talking through audio and what not, his response was that he liked the idea and thought it was a good one and would be fun and said he'd get stuff so we could but when the day came he didn't mention and said he would the following week and then at that time he was waiting and saving for other stuff and at that time I started getting negative thoughts because he straight up lied to me several times and today he was really about having quite a bit of money and when I asked him about getting a headset so we could talk over Skype or something he just said "There are other things I want and stuff" at that point... I honestly felt like screaming, and also said he has lots of things to do but often complains about being bored... I'm just confused and... I don't know.

3. Little promises broken here and there : Like mentioned above the times he lied about the head there have been a couple of instances where he's lied about something, and I know the lie is little and to the degree where if it was anyone other than your partner you'd just "Meh.. Whatever" it... I can't I mean we are 5,000 (Or so) miles apart I feel like I need to be able to believe all his promises no matter how big or small, but I don't feel I can anymore.



It's getting to the point where the relationship is causing me moments of stress, depression and confusion trying to understand his logic in what he's saying and then doing. I have brought things up to him personally when they've come up and we've talked about stuff but things either end up back on the back seat anyway or he dodges the question or responding to certain parts of statements. Like he's a really sweet, awesome and kind guy but I don't understand his actions. Says "I love you, and you're the only one for me" then makes comments about other people showing relationship interest in him but when stating his responses he never directly says "Oh, sorry but I'm in a relationship." he just dodges their requests for contact information. Like from my opinion he does and says things that say he's committed to the relationship, but then also does the complete 180 at the same time. I just don't know what to do to be honest, because I do love him with my entire heart and thinking about not being with him just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces, but... I dunno what to do. Am I over thinking stuff and worried over nothing? Or whatever? I just don't know... And that scares me...

[differentcountries]

So you are upset that he doesn't reply immediately, that he doesn't buy a headset, and that he avoids people rather than openly rejecting them. I think you are expecting a bit too much.

[Scouse05]

Im assuming you haven't actually met from your message? Have you spoken to him? Heard his voice? If you haven't and your BF is avoiding stuff like Skype etc I would be very suspicious. Do you communicate in any other way than Google hangout? What about Facebook, whatsapp, etc?

I remember when I first started chatting to my girl, we met online and whilst I'm a naturally trusting person it was a big relief when I received selfies which were in context to our chats and we eventually facetimed. Until then I could not be 100% sure that she was who she said she was. Maybe I've spent too much time watching catfish but I'm immediately suspicious of those who will not Skype/FaceTime/talk on the phone/audio, etc at least once. My girl hates FaceTime but loves talking to me on audio. She gives in every so often and we start a conversation on FaceTime before moving to audio but that took a bit of communication as I couldn't understand what was going on. She was v quiet when we face timed but chatty when we just talked on the phone/audio.

So what am I trying to say? This is my opinion and others on here may have a different ones but I believe for any LDR to work you need to communicate openly and honestly. If you are not getting what you want then you both need to talk about it. LDRs as with CDRs are all about trust and the distance definitely makes it harder. You've fallen for him and the idea of life without him hurts but think about it, what would hurt more - to live a life not getting your needs met by someone thousands of miles away or to take a chance, ask him some direct questions about what's on your mind and tell him what you need (whilst finding out what he needs too of course). Both could lead to unhappiness but they could also lead to the type of relationship you want (with him or someone else).

Good luck

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I'm pretty confused by this. So you've been with your boyfriend for almost a year but you haven't ever skyped? Not sure if i'm reading that right or just misunderstanding. I agree that it is pretty sketchy if he is resisting skyping. There are a lot of other ways to use skype even without a headset. Does he have a laptop? Most of them come with built in speakers and microphones, so technically you wouldn't even need a headset. Otherwise, there are tons and tons of earbuds that have microphones. Not wanting to buy a headset is a shitty excuse because you can get around it for really cheap. What it is is an excuse, there is no doubt about it.

The biggest thing about what I read is the fact that you can't trust him. LD is ALL about trust. The fact that you can't trust him on little tiny issues is just as important as not being able to trust him on big issues. Either you need to find a way to get past this distrust or there is a reason why you can't and that should be your answer. You can't have a healthy relationship (especially LD) if you don't trust your SO.

[Red-Frequency]

So you are upset that he doesn't reply immediately, that he doesn't buy a headset, and that he avoids people rather than openly rejecting them. I think you are expecting a bit too much.

I know to some I am expecting too much, and sometimes I've sat down and thought about it, but I'm also only expecting the same respects I show him. I'm not expecting him to do anything I don't towards him. And the thing with responses is I can see him one chat window over talking about stuff with people for 10+ minutes and then I'm getting a simple response after he's done with the conversation with the group that's like "It's okay baby" , "I'm sorry baby" , etc. There is no back and forth about stuff when he does that. If I waited an hour and he responds to my statements and stuff then I'm fine with it. He knows I want to start audio chatting and while he claims he wants to but he's making excuses and/or making promises and breaking them about this matter and others before in the past.

Im assuming you haven't actually met from your message? Have you spoken to him? Heard his voice? If you haven't and your BF is avoiding stuff like Skype etc I would be very suspicious. Do you communicate in any other way than Google hangout? What about Facebook, whatsapp, etc?

I remember when I first started chatting to my girl, we met online and whilst I'm a naturally trusting person it was a big relief when I received selfies which were in context to our chats and we eventually facetimed. Until then I could not be 100% sure that she was who she said she was. Maybe I've spent too much time watching catfish but I'm immediately suspicious of those who will not Skype/FaceTime/talk on the phone/audio, etc at least once. My girl hates FaceTime but loves talking to me on audio. She gives in every so often and we start a conversation on FaceTime before moving to audio but that took a bit of communication as I couldn't understand what was going on. She was v quiet when we face timed but chatty when we just talked on the phone/audio.

So what am I trying to say? This is my opinion and others on here may have a different ones but I believe for any LDR to work you need to communicate openly and honestly. If you are not getting what you want then you both need to talk about it. LDRs as with CDRs are all about trust and the distance definitely makes it harder. You've fallen for him and the idea of life without him hurts but think about it, what would hurt more - to live a life not getting your needs met by someone thousands of miles away or to take a chance, ask him some direct questions about what's on your mind and tell him what you need (whilst finding out what he needs too of course). Both could lead to unhappiness but they could also lead to the type of relationship you want (with him or someone else).

Good luck

We've not met yet no. Though I've confirmed I'll be able to visit him early to mid next year sometime for a few weeks. And I've not heard his voice, he's heard mine honestly the moment he said he was curious as to what I sounded like I instantly sent him a clip of me talking then asked him if there was anything he wanted me to say and did those too, but there has been no return on that... I don't know what he sounds like at all, and we talk just over Google+ and Hangouts I brought up Skype and he said he would but nothing came from it.

I agree, those are the philosophies need complete openness, honesty when it comes to communication. If those things are achieved then trust would just break down, and he's agreed with me on that several times... But like... He's not pulling his side of that, I'm getting stalls and excuses everytime. Sometimes it's like he believes I'll just forget stuff... Then putting other things before things I've suggested and he's agreed would be awesome to do and good for the relationship.

Have to admit... That is something I've never done, never actually talked about what I need from him in this relationship, we had one kinda close where we had a misunderstanding and parts of it where my fault and parts his, I always say with understandings it's never just one side so y'know... I'm always willing to accept and acknowledge things I may have done wrong and at that time when he started saying he felt really upset and sad I instantly switched over to just trying to make him better while apologising for the things I did wrong, but y'know... I never got the same back. Maybe it is time to have a serious talk and bring up issues and ask him how he'd feel if things where on the reverse...

I'm pretty confused by this. So you've been with your boyfriend for almost a year but you haven't ever skyped? Not sure if i'm reading that right or just misunderstanding. I agree that it is pretty sketchy if he is resisting skyping. There are a lot of other ways to use skype even without a headset. Does he have a laptop? Most of them come with built in speakers and microphones, so technically you wouldn't even need a headset. Otherwise, there are tons and tons of earbuds that have microphones. Not wanting to buy a headset is a shitty excuse because you can get around it for really cheap. What it is is an excuse, there is no doubt about it.

The biggest thing about what I read is the fact that you can't trust him. LD is ALL about trust. The fact that you can't trust him on little tiny issues is just as important as not being able to trust him on big issues. Either you need to find a way to get past this distrust or there is a reason why you can't and that should be your answer. You can't have a healthy relationship (especially LD) if you don't trust your SO.

A-Yup! That's the slim of it, been with him for almost a year and we've never audio called. I've not heard his, as stated above though he's heard mine. The moment he expressed interest in hearing my voice which was November of last year I instantly sent him a voice clip then asked him if he wanted me to say stuff and I'd record it and send him the clips, which I did.

He does have a laptop yeah. I didn't originally think about that, I don't use laptops so that fact always escapes me, and also yeah there is other ways around and also you can usually pick up a good high quality headset for $20 which I see as not much to invest especially on something that would benefit your relationship and stuff. And year it's close to the point where it's like I'm at a cliff edge because I'm starting to think I can't trust what he says or his promises since most have been broken from his side.

[differentcountries]

I don't see why you set up a sceme where he is to talk to you and others at the same time anyway. Would it not be better to arrange a time when he can talk to you only?

From Skyping from all laptop you will normally nor need a full headset but earphones can be useful to not have ecco /poor sound .

[R&R]

I use a laptop and no headset and it works just fine for Skyping. It has it's own cam, so that's also not a problem either. Personally, if it had been this long and we hadn't Skyped or actually talked, I would be all done. It's not that difficult with everything that is available out there today.

Someone can agree with you on things all they want but unless their actions match up, it means nothing. Apologies also don't mean anything if the person continues with the same behavior. You've now set the standard with your SO that him doing both of these things are okay. Now you have to decide if you can live with it being this way.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I use a laptop and no headset and it works just fine for Skyping. It has it's own cam, so that's also not a problem either. Personally, if it had been this long and we hadn't Skyped or actually talked, I would be all done. It's not that difficult with everything that is available out there today.

Someone can agree with you on things all they want but unless their actions match up, it means nothing. Apologies also don't mean anything if the person continues with the same behavior. You've now set the standard with your SO that him doing both of these things are okay. Now you have to decide if you can live with it being this way.

Completely agree with this. LDRs in general are proof that you do everything in your power to be with the person that you love, even if that means some sacrifices on your part. He is not making you a priority. It's your life and of course your choice from here on, but if it were me I'd be saying

[Scouse05]

I agree with the above. As much as my girl doesn't like video chats, if she didn't want to talk to me by audiochat/phone (or even a little audio message on FB/whatsapp, I'd have ended it. As far away as we are from each other we are always each other's priority. That's what relationships are about.

[snow]

So you are upset that he doesn't reply immediately, that he doesn't buy a headset, and that he avoids people rather than openly rejecting them. I think you are expecting a bit too much.

This makes my blood boil. How is wanting a reply in a timely manner too much? How is asking him to buy a headset that he promised he would buy, asking too much?

OP: I think after being together for so long, you shouldn't have to beg for one-on-one time, but I do think you need to find a different or better way to go about this situation. If he likes to chat in this group thing a lot, that's fine, but you deserve time where you just spend it talking to each other. Maybe you can ask for a "date" night, maybe you can take it to texting or something. It's definitely not asking too much to get attention from your boyfriend or maybe you could just ask him to let you know if he is really busy in a conversation with someone else - people get caught up in conversations and forget to respond to other people, it happens, maybe he needs to remember to let you know he is busy.

The other issue is the headset thing. I'd be pretty hurt and I think you have every right to be upset. I can understand that there is other things you'd like to buy, because let's face it, there is always things you want, but at the same time, being in a long distance relationship relies a lot on being able to communicate. The fact that he said he would buy one, but now completely rejects this idea is sketchy and not only this, it's hurtful. If I was you, I'd ask him if there is a reason why he doesn't want to buy it other than not having the money/wanting to spend the money on other things. To me, it seems like he doesn't really care about hearing your voice / talking to you, but it might also be anxiety related or any number of things where he doesn't feel comfortable using a microphone.

If you are uncomfortable with him not openly stating that he's in a relationship, ask him why he doesn't. Maybe there is a reason behind it, but if there isn't, you should let him know how it makes you feel when he doesn't tell girls that are interested that he is not single and in fact your boyfriend. From my experience, and take that with a grain of salt, people who are happy in their relationship don't usually hide that fact, but who knows, there might be a legit reason for it.

[differentcountries]

This makes my blood boil. How is wanting a reply in a timely manner too much? How is asking him to buy a headset that he promised he would buy, asking too much?

He may not be a nice person. But those are not good examples of a horrible personality. I personally hate it when people want answers within the minute or hour, I mean hos impatient can one get? If I am busy I am busy, unless I am at work getting a work related request I will respond when I have the time - my SO is the same, we trust that the other person will get back to us. If it is important to me to text, I will ask: Do you have the time to text a bit? Or do you have time to text later? Or suggest a time. Or even call him with my suggestion. Not just impatiently wait. It just seems passive-aggressive, which maybe be how the OP copes with things but that's a bad route to get what you want.

It might be a good idea to Skype. But the obsession with a headphone doesn't even properly adress the fact that they don't Skype, because you can Skype from any laptop without it.

[Red-Frequency]

Found out he's been cheating this past week, admitting feelings to another to that person giving them a nickname and stuff... I'm just going to get him out of my life today.

Thank you to everyone who responded.