Broken up - how to stay friends

[thewolery22]

Hi all,

Long story short, we broke up 7 weeks ago after a 4 year relationship. Amiable and semi-mutual break up but still emotional and hard and shit. She's interstate, and we broke up over the phone. She's coming home to my town for the first time since, next weekend.

I was really looking forward to it, and trying to not be anxious about it, but I'm starting to worry about what it's going to be like to see each other again.

This is made especially hard because in the last few weeks she's been saying she "doesn't know if she can be friends" because it's just too emotionally draining and intense and she doesn't feel like the friendship is making her happy (i.e. we've been having lots of sad, upsetting conversations about the fact that we're no longer together, that it feels weird talking now, that she still thinks of wanting to call me before she goes to bed etc).

I desperately want to remain friends (because the alternative is too sad to think about), but I don't want it to be as intense as our relationship (and some of her friendsships) are. E.g. we've been talking daily since the break up and for me that's not how to be friends, it's just not leaving any space to heal.

She keeps saying she doesn't know what to do and it's not working and asking me to come up with ideas. I said one is to be more optimistic and grateful that we're even able to have these conversations (rather than hating each other and saying bye forever), but that went down badly. My other idea was to have some space and not talk as much, which we're now doing. But that's what led to the break up, so she's understandably not that thrilled about it.

I ended up calling her to check that she's doing ok, because I was worried. She said she actually felt better not talking. So do I. But honestly, in the long run, I want to be able to talk with her and laugh and be friends - it's just the shitty sad emotional post-break up conversations that are making it more pleasant not to talk right now.

Anyway.... I'm at a loss. I feel pathetic because all I can say is "but I want to be your friend! You're my best friend! Don't you want to be friends?!" and her response is just "I don't know". I always thought deep down she did want to be friends (she said that after breaking up), but now I'm just so not sure about that, and it's heart breaking.

Any ideas? Thoughts? Ways of making 'space' work without it coming across as ignoring or blocking each other out? Ways of making 'space' work while still leaving open the option to talk if we need support or just want to chat and have a 'normal' friendly conversation?

Thanks alll...feeling really down about this

[Honour]

Deep breath. Calm down. Focus. Here we go.

You need to stop fretting, stop worrying so much and give yourself both time and space. And in my definition of space... don't contact her at all. You said yourself you felt better for not talking to her. You aren't ready for it yet, based off what you've told us, and neither is she. You have... a week? So, in that time, try no contact. Is she on any of your social media? Maybe take her off them, ignore any messages she might send you, etc. You don't HAVE to block someone just because you need space.

Then, when she does come back, who knows? Maybe she'll want to remain friends, and maybe she won't. I was afraid of losing an ex of mine as a friend. Honestly? I was better off without his friendship because it just over-complicated shit and made things ugly with him and his then girlfriend. 4 years of your life invested in a relationship is a lot, and it will take awhile for you to move on, but she will need that time too.

[MissButterfly]

Maybe she'll want to remain friends, and maybe she won't. I was afraid of losing an ex of mine as a friend. Honestly? I was better off without his friendship because it just over-complicated shit and made things ugly with him and his then girlfriend. 4 years of your life invested in a relationship is a lot, and it will take awhile for you to move on, but she will need that time too.

This. When my ex broke up with me, we barely spoke for 2 months before he came back to my city. Then we started building up a friendship again, which turned out to be really hard. I really wasn't over him and our feelings started to get complicated. This went on for a year before he moved away for good, and something happened which blew everything up. We're barely talking now and I don't know if we can ever really be friends. Some people do it, but so far it hasn't worked for us. In any case, you'll need a lot of time first, to get over each other. Trying to be friends now might just make you want to be together again, and there's obviously a reason you broke up. Take plenty of time apart, teach yourself not to initiate contact like you used to.

[R&R]

I've been able to maintain friendships with all my ex's, going to back to high school days, with the exception of a couple who I wanted out of my life permanently. Some of them we were able to flow right into a friendship and others, it took months or years before we were able to reconnect on a friendship level.

It sounds like you both need to take a break from one another. No contact, removing each other from all social sites and taking some time for yourselves. You were 17 when you started dating. Take some time to learn about yourselves as an individual and do what you want to do. Expand your social network. Maybe in time you will be able to reconnect as friends but it sounds like right now it's just too soon.

[hmrambling]

It helped me a great deal when I autopsied the relationship. Google "Dr Phil relationship autopsy." Upon completion of the autopsy, it helped me determine that I needed to take some time for myself and put some time and distance between myself and my last ex.

I thought I wanted to maintain contact, but each time we had contact, I had a really hard time. It was like pouring salt in an open wound. I had not healed yet, and I *needed* to take time for myself even though I didn't *want* to. I wanted to contact her, but I had to listen to my rational mind over my heart. In the end, it was the wise thing to do because taking time for myself was what was necessary to heal.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I believe very strongly in taking time apart (completely separate---delete numbers and emails and defriend on facebook) before you can be friends. I think that you can be friend eventually, but right after a break up is too hard. You're sitting there trying to deal with the aftermath of a breakup (especially after 4 years together) and you need to rethink about what you do on your own and break some habits that you have developed over the years together. That is not easy to do when your ex is constantly on your facebook feed or their text messages are on your phone or whatever else. I think that you need to "purge" them from your life, get yourself together and learn how to move on, and then ONLY when both of you are ready to move on and feel better, then you see each other again as friends.

[delitonik]

I have been able to go back to friends with each one of my exs except for my last one. In the beginning he said he wanted to be friends, which I said fine for me I have no problem on doing it, but after a couple of weeks he called me in saying that he couldn't nor wanted be friends that it was too painful, so we decided not talk to each other and put distance between us. I got myself into his shoes, I was the one breaking up and I understood that he needed time and space to be able to heal. It's been a year since and he knows that if he ever want to be friends only he just needed to start contacting me again, that I was open for it. He obviously hasn't done it but I don't see it as a bad thing, we are all different and rediscover yourself after a breakup takes time. I think you too need time, time to rediscover yourselves, time to heal, time to grow as individual. Stop worrying so much and go with the flow. You two will be fine and if at some point you two come to feel that you want to be friends again, start all over, rebuild that friendship since the beginning.

[thewolery22]

Thanks everyone - interesting advice.

It's been a week and we haven't spoken. I'm feeling strong, but at the same time want to be her friend and don't want this week to come across as some decision that we're not friends anymore...I don't see it like that, but I'm worried that she will.

I feel like the ball is in her court in terms of making contact and saying hello, and also planning to meet up for the weekend. But I don't want to leave it another few days, because every day I worry that she'll be misinterpreting this as me not wanting to be friends.

Should I wait for her to contact me? Usually in the past things have been dealt with a whole lot better if I speak first/check in, otherwise I end up with a text along the lines of "so were you ever going to contact me??" ...ugh. You get the idea. I don't know what to do.

[R&R]

Thanks everyone - interesting advice.

It's been a week and we haven't spoken. I'm feeling strong, but at the same time want to be her friend and don't want this week to come across as some decision that we're not friends anymore...I don't see it like that, but I'm worried that she will.

I feel like the ball is in her court in terms of making contact and saying hello, and also planning to meet up for the weekend. But I don't want to leave it another few days, because every day I worry that she'll be misinterpreting this as me not wanting to be friends.

Should I wait for her to contact me? Usually in the past things have been dealt with a whole lot better if I speak first/check in, otherwise I end up with a text along the lines of "so were you ever going to contact me??" ...ugh. You get the idea. I don't know what to do.

This annoys me more than anything. I'm sorry, but phones work both ways. Let her contact you. It's not your responsibility to make the first contact. Friendship also works two ways and if she wants to still be friends, let her put in some effort too.

[Unconditional]

This annoys me more than anything. I'm sorry, but phones work both ways. Let her contact you. It's not your responsibility to make the first contact. Friendship also works two ways and if she wants to still be friends, let her put in some effort too.

To add on to this response. I totally agree. One of the guys I was talking to a few weeks ago decided to "remain friends" and guess what, since I stopped texting I stopped getting responses and you know what? Oh well it's his loss not mine. When someone drops the "let's be friends line, you have to see if they were actually wanting to be friends or not. If they were they would respond.