Mixed emotions after LDR ended? Advice? (Long text, sorry)

[meowpeow]

Hi, i just need to get this out somwhere.

I'm a pre-everything transwoman, who was and still am not looking for relationships or whatever. Back in late august, a guy hit me up on one of those "dating" apps. (grindr *cringe*). It all started out pretty casualy, we just talked and hit it off pretty well.
He is in the military and is 3-4 weeks away until he gets home to his hometown for 2-3 weeks. Hes only 3 hours away from me then, and i'm 24 and he is 20. I still live at my mom's, but he wanted to visit after talking a few weeks, so we booked a hotel nearby for one day (Saturday to sunday). Fast forward to the first date, it went so great and we hit it off so well both emotionally and sexually it was amazing. The next morning i woke up extra early since i'm a morningbird and i'm so self-concious about having stubble so i shaved before going back to bed, after a while he started to wake up and i could feel something was wrong... he grabbed my hand and told me "You know.. i think i made a mistake, this isn't for me and i just wanted to try this out because of the chemistry... never done this and you were my first (someone in the LGBT community) you're a great person etc, i'm sorry" I was so shocked, disgusted, angry and sad at the same time. I did not see that coming at all, and my only expectation was to have an amazing date from start to finish(i saw it more as a casual date, but after that everything felt so serious). it wouldn't have hurt that much if he messaged me afterwards.. i swear, i did not see any sign of him feeling like that the day before... so i told him "you know, i woulnd't have gone for this if i knew you weren't 100 secure with yourself/sexuality or whatever... i hate having my time wasted." packed my stuff and stormed out. As soon as i came home i cried so hard, like i have never cried before.. i cry rarely but hard when i do. Instantly blocked him on all the social media things i had him on.

One week passed, i already got over him so i decided to unblock him. I suddenly got a DM on instagram he apologized and did not mean what he said etc.. i was shocked and thrilled so we gave it another go. That week he was back in the military so we snapped everyday like usual and schedualed the next meeting. fast forawrd when it was close to our second meeting, he asked me to be his gf while he was drunk... i thought it was very weird and too soon... but i was so scared to ruin this (i've never really gotten this far into dating/relationship before so it was a huge deal for me) so i hesitated, but said yes. He did mention later that it wasnt something he said just because he was drunk, he was suppose to ask me on our second date (cute, but still too soon imo)
So on october 20-23 was our second date and last time we met. It was perfect, we were just being lazy and hit it off in the same hotel. When he left sunday, i was sort of happy to be alone again..until i sat down in my bed. i started to cry hard, i missed him.. i started to really really like this guy.

SO... fast forward 2 weeks later, i had a mental breakdown because of exams were/arecoming up and wasn't really prepared.. and our communication had been weak (we only snapped and talked/sent memes on instagram and felt like he lost intrest/didnt make an effort anymore in the messages... same went for me, but i was just insecure about everything.) i started to realize... things like, i didn't dare to call him cause i was afraid it would be awkward. I wasn't sure if he was ashamed of me because i am trans (since he is so private), i didn't feel like i knew him enough...and those things could strenghten our bond. how long would snapping still do it for us? So i was about to end things or tell him that we should slow things down out of impuls. He eventually cheered me up and made me change my mind and the spark was re-ignited again! ...

then the communication started going weak again.. so i finally decided to tell him that we had to slow things down, because i was so overwhelmed about everything happening so fast. He was cool with it and told me "Of course, i don't want to make it feel rushed.. i'm still ready to be your bf when you are ready" i was extatic for a few days.
I got sick and was home doing nothing, so of course all the deep thoughts came back..
i started to really doubt everything between us and decided to really break up. I wrote him a long message, mentioning things why i wouldn't feel like this relationship would work etc.. he eventually replied and told me "Yeah you know, i have been thinking.. and i agree"
i was sort of dissapointed.. because he was the one who wanted to be together and told me " i really like you" first and all that first (which made me get emotionally attatched) i was hoping he would atleast fight... because i regretted everything i said afterwards and tried to take it back. I didn't want to give up. I think i wrote it hoping for a better response, but instead i just fucked up everything.. he then told me "so, now what?" I just can't seem to be just friends with him... so i told him that i had to cut him out of my life. "if thats how you feel" so i blocked him on everything and started to sob again... after i met him i've been so emotionally unstable haha...

Last thing i did was unblock him the day after, trying to take everything back hoping for a second chance.. it took him some while but he replied "i have done some thinking, and i dont see us having a relationship, i'm sorry, don't be sad, you'll find someone better than me<3" After that last sentance, i was both dissapointed and also turned off, so i was like "that's fine " but i had no plans on messaging him again. (even though we both mentioned that we wanted to stay friends).

So here i am, blocked him everywhere to cut him out "for good" and move on, but at the same time.. a little part of me is hoping that we would go for a second chance, now that i now what i would do differently and actually make an effort instead of overthinking stuff. Also cringing how unstable i was at the end there so also feel it's for the best? I mean i did ask him before you dont think it's too soon to ask to be a couple? but he was so sure.. and it didn't really feel very serious after this. Few days have gone since that, i'm doing better for every min (still sick). I don't see him as "the one" but i want to give it one last try fully going into it before actually giving up, you know? I guess it's no use if it's not mutual, but i'm so confused of what i'm feeling. i feel like we both broke up with each other haha. Such a mess.

I feel like i fucked it up and just made problems occur.. Is there still hope? eventually re-ignite after taking a break? anyone experienced that? I feel the distance is what made me most insecure about the relationship, and feeling the NEED to talk everyday.. i mean, i wouldn't have "broken up" with him if i knew i just needed to be patient (i read too much into it that he lost intrest cause he didn't send x amount of snaps for example) unhealthy, and something i realized AFTER. Im sort of caught between moving on and having some hope... i want to give it 100% before really ending things, everything happened so fast...few weeks between getting together>going back to dating> breaking up>no contact. I feel so crazy for acting the way i did at the end. I'm not the type of person that looks for love or want it above everything, so thats why im stuck on him atm or just be single and have fun like i used to hehe. Never been in a relationship and LDR is never something i could see myself doing so it was extra hard, but if i could do it again i would have had the guts to call him/ask to skype at times to really feel things out for example. Was never really an effort. Though he said and acted satisfied with how everything was (his words).

[kittyxuchiha11]

I started reading this and was like omg you sound like how my SO was when we first met haha. My SO is also a trans women (she's been on hormones for a year) and has a lot of the same insecurities as you do, so I sort of understand what you're going through. Anyway, we only met irl 2 weeks after we met online for a first date (I traveled to see her at the end of August) and we both felt that was sort of okay as we'd talked a lot in those first two weeks.

I get attached to people very very quickly and after the first meeting i was very much ready to jump into a relationship with her. With all the people i've dated before, dating and a relationship have always been the same thing, so when she said that we're dating but not together I was really really confused. We both knew we really really liked each other but she didn't want to get officially together and be girlfriends until we went on a couple dates. As you can imagine when you're long distance, a couple of dates don't happen that quickly, and I found myself getting really frustrated with her because we called each other pet names and talked all the time, spent all our spare time together and i had a very hard time wrapping my head around how she could like me but not want to be with me. I tried to bring it up to her several times, each time she said it was too soon that she wasn't comfortable with becoming official yet and yeah it made things a bit awkward between us for a while.

In September she completely took me by surprise and asked me to be her girlfriend. Basically she realised she really really liked me and didn't want to chance losing me because she was to scared to commit so soon. we'd known each other a few days shy on a month when we became official which to her was insane, but to me it felt really overdue because we'd been acting like we were together since we met basically.

Obviously, things could have gone worse between us. I was talking to a girl for a while before I met my SO and she didn't really want to commit and because of that I lost interest really really fast. To some people (me, and possibly your SO) knowing someone wants to commit to you is really really important and it can be really frustrating being so close and intimate but knowing you aren't really there yet. Like obviously it's important to get to known someone but to me it was really horrible acting like we were in a relationship but knowing we weren't. I got really insecure, wanted to call the whole thing off because I was scared off putting so much into it only to have her decide she didn't want to see me anymore.

Do you think it's possible your bf felt a bit like that? have you actually asked him the reasons to why he decided it wouldn't work out? (just trying to show you the other side)
Even if you don't get back together, you two should definitely have a talk to get some closure, so if you do need to move on you can do it easier.

I won't say anything on your insecurities as you've pointed out yourself at how silly they seem now, but i'll just say that overthinking leads to negative feelings and tricks you into feeling things you don't really feel. My advice for that one is try stay busy, don't overthink things. It's easier said than done I know, but really you won't believe how many relationships have problems because of insecurities due to overthinking things.

Anyway, best of luck! :3

[meowpeow]

I started reading this and was like omg you sound like how my SO was when we first met haha. My SO is also a trans women (she's been on hormones for a year) and has a lot of the same insecurities as you do, so I sort of understand what you're going through. Anyway, we only met irl 2 weeks after we met online for a first date (I traveled to see her at the end of August) and we both felt that was sort of okay as we'd talked a lot in those first two weeks.

I get attached to people very very quickly and after the first meeting i was very much ready to jump into a relationship with her. With all the people i've dated before, dating and a relationship have always been the same thing, so when she said that we're dating but not together I was really really confused. We both knew we really really liked each other but she didn't want to get officially together and be girlfriends until we went on a couple dates. As you can imagine when you're long distance, a couple of dates don't happen that quickly, and I found myself getting really frustrated with her because we called each other pet names and talked all the time, spent all our spare time together and i had a very hard time wrapping my head around how she could like me but not want to be with me. I tried to bring it up to her several times, each time she said it was too soon that she wasn't comfortable with becoming official yet and yeah it made things a bit awkward between us for a while.

In September she completely took me by surprise and asked me to be her girlfriend. Basically she realised she really really liked me and didn't want to chance losing me because she was to scared to commit so soon. we'd known each other a few days shy on a month when we became official which to her was insane, but to me it felt really overdue because we'd been acting like we were together since we met basically.

Obviously, things could have gone worse between us. I was talking to a girl for a while before I met my SO and she didn't really want to commit and because of that I lost interest really really fast. To some people (me, and possibly your SO) knowing someone wants to commit to you is really really important and it can be really frustrating being so close and intimate but knowing you aren't really there yet. Like obviously it's important to get to known someone but to me it was really horrible acting like we were in a relationship but knowing we weren't. I got really insecure, wanted to call the whole thing off because I was scared off putting so much into it only to have her decide she didn't want to see me anymore.

Do you think it's possible your bf felt a bit like that? have you actually asked him the reasons to why he decided it wouldn't work out? (just trying to show you the other side)
Even if you don't get back together, you two should definitely have a talk to get some closure, so if you do need to move on you can do it easier.

I won't say anything on your insecurities as you've pointed out yourself at how silly they seem now, but i'll just say that overthinking leads to negative feelings and tricks you into feeling things you don't really feel. My advice for that one is try stay busy, don't overthink things. It's easier said than done I know, but really you won't believe how many relationships have problems because of insecurities due to overthinking things.

Anyway, best of luck! :3

Aw, thank you so much for replying.
I didn't ask tbh, maybe because i didn't want to hear the reason why he changed his mind, and thought the break up was for the best. Haha, yeah i'm still cringing thinking about how i was acting, because i see myself as a confident person, but i'm a VERY emotional-driven person, so there is that. I just hate and feel so sad that it took a break up to realize my mistakes...when i wanted to take it back, it was already too late. Yeah i'm stil recovering from bad infections, after that i'm ready for my everyday life again and get over it asap. We'll probably talk eventually.. i'll unblock him at the end of the month or so, but i won't have any intrest in contacting him, think i have made up my mind. It will be too weird to be just friends with him, but i wouldn't mind some benefits... erhuem >.<..

Anyway, thank a lot!
this cheered me up

[Ejoriah]

Hey there,

I think you need to let this one go. It's not really fair on you to go back and forth on breaking up with him and then wanting to take him back. You should respect what he said about not seeing it working out. It's good that you're thinking about what you need out of a relationship (ie better communication) so that your next relationship can go more smoothly. I do agree with you that the second date might have been a bit early to ask to be your girlfriend. I feel that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship implies a level of comfort around each other and knowing each other that you just can't have in just two dates, UNLESS you've spent a lot of time talking in between and you know each other well (which doesn't sound like it was the case with you). My current boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend about a month and a half into dating, and I still thought that was too soon and we didn't know each other well enough. A tell-tale sign of that for me was that I didn't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that we were moving a bit too fast for me!

[meowpeow]

Hey there,

I think you need to let this one go. It's not really fair on you to go back and forth on breaking up with him and then wanting to take him back. You should respect what he said about not seeing it working out. It's good that you're thinking about what you need out of a relationship (ie better communication) so that your next relationship can go more smoothly. I do agree with you that the second date might have been a bit early to ask to be your girlfriend. I feel that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship implies a level of comfort around each other and knowing each other that you just can't have in just two dates, UNLESS you've spent a lot of time talking in between and you know each other well (which doesn't sound like it was the case with you). My current boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend about a month and a half into dating, and I still thought that was too soon and we didn't know each other well enough. A tell-tale sign of that for me was that I didn't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that we were moving a bit too fast for me!

Yeah i agree, but i also can't help but hope.. :S.. i got so attatched since our second date, we got to know each other even more and bonded. thats when i really felt we were hitting it off.. then 2 weeks later :/.. a part of me is like what if i didn't break it off, he would still be a part of my life. *sigh* yaknowwwww this is hard >.<, but determined to get over this asap ^^

[hmrambling]

Here's a hard lesson:

Don't say things you don't mean in hopes that the other person will chase you or fight for you. I see this all of the time and the folks who do it simply don't see it as manipulation. If you say, "I don't think we're going to work out," don't expect the other person to persuade you to stay or beg you to stay. Be prepared for, "yes, you're right. We are not going to work out."

I'm sorry, this is not what you expect to hear but all too often I see this and people end up really hurt when their real intent was to see/hear their partner fight for them.

If he's only meeting you in the hotel and not taking you out or taking time to get to know you, perhaps he isn't really dating you. If the majority of the time is spent in the hotel, perhaps he is in it for the sex. A lot of people who are in it for the sex have a fear of abandonment and will say whatever they feel like they have to say in order to keep the other person on the hook.

If I were you, I'd have to accept that he isn't ready and stop playing the block/unblock game. Give yourself time to sort it out and go no contact.

[meowpeow]

Here's a hard lesson:

Don't say things you don't mean in hopes that the other person will chase you or fight for you. I see this all of the time and the folks who do it simply don't see it as manipulation. If you say, "I don't think we're going to work out," don't expect the other person to persuade you to stay or beg you to stay. Be prepared for, "yes, you're right. We are not going to work out."

I'm sorry, this is not what you expect to hear but all too often I see this and people end up really hurt when their real intent was to see/hear their partner fight for them.

If he's only meeting you in the hotel and not taking you out or taking time to get to know you, perhaps he isn't really dating you. If the majority of the time is spent in the hotel, perhaps he is in it for the sex. A lot of people who are in it for the sex have a fear of abandonment and will say whatever they feel like they have to say in order to keep the other person on the hook.

If I were you, I'd have to accept that he isn't ready and stop playing the block/unblock game. Give yourself time to sort it out and go no contact.

Yeah it wasn't intentional that i subconciously expected him to put up a fight, trust me, i felt stupid afterwards.
I did it out of impuls so at that moment i was secure with my choice. So i am aware of all that.

Well, i wouldn't mind if we just did it for the sex, cause it was fun, but i can't JUST be friends with him, that's all.. a little bitter that we let it get that far so i got so emotionally attatched, and it seemed like he was more into me before i broke it off, then I was the one who seemed to be the only one who was interested.

Yeah i haven't really accepted it yet, cause i want to eventually see if we find our way back. (told him we had to cut contact because exams were coming up and wouldn't contact him what so ever until the end of the month) at the same time, after days have gone by.. i am getting over him to a certain extent, so i think i'll end up just cut contact what so ever. I still like him, and wouldn't mind something casual with him.. at the same time, i don't want to see him with someone else, so i just hope we can end up having fun again with less pressure.

[meowpeow]

And thank you so much for the reply, it gave me some insight, time will tell of what happens

xo

[hmrambling]

wouldn't mind something casual with him.. at the same time, i don't want to see him with someone else

Casual kind of means that you need to be okay with seeing him with whoever. I'm sorry, but it really doesn't sound like you are ready for something casual with him. I really encourage you to go no contact and give yourself time to think and sort this through. Journal if need be.

[meowpeow]

haha, that meme though.

I am totally aware, but i meant as in if we decided to go for the casual route(not saying it's gonna happen), we would do so until he or i found someone exclusive, then we would end it and cut contact. I have no intrest in just being "just friends", so if it was casual, we wouldn't talk that much like we used to etc, it would be different, but i would rather have it like that if hes gonna be in my life.

I have no plans on contacting him, i'm just saying IF it happens, i wouldn't mind.

[autumn1790]

"...but"
Y'all are wasting your time giving your views. OP ain't really listening.

[meowpeow]

Hahah
Ugh, yeah im so sorry guys 😅
I just needed to rant about it somewhere.

I'll figure it out, but thanks anyways <3

[hmrambling]

There's no contigency that says a person must follow advice in order to post here. Post whatever you have to post. You are where you are supposed to be.