Hi,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for on here - I guess a feeling of not being so alone? Maybe to be pointed in the right direction of sanity? Or maybe even advice for better, stronger tissues!
So, a little history; I met my SO back in 2016, we both worked within the same hospital - I work as an assistant in theatres and she's a surgical registrar. We were both in relationships when we first met, so our beginning was a hazy blur of surging hormones and teenage antics whilst trying to navigate through our respective break ups.
Although we hadn't really noticed when we first met, we have quite a sizeable age gap - 17 years to be exact (I'm 27 and she is now 43), not that age is an issue, but I definitely believe its where most of our differences and at times issues originate from - we're from different countries, different cultures, religions and ages - funnily enough, all of our differences have left room for us to have enough in common to have created a foundation in which we continue to build on. She has become my best friend.
Things got pretty serious fairly quickly, we started living together within the first couple of months and it was a very intense year. There were many ups and downs - it wasn't the easiest of years, although on reflection, we nosedived into a relationship, worked fairly close with one and other and didn't ever really allow ourselves time to grieve for the previous relationships we had been in, so its no surprise for it to have been so challenging at times.
After a year, we were still very much in love - but as life would have it, it was time for a curve ball to be thrown our way. My SO's contract came to an end at work, she had been burying her head in the sand for months, so she hadn't really dealt with reality. I had become very anxious and was very aware of what was going to happen.
My SO hadn't been very organised - due to stress etc, and so she hadn't sorted another job, and as she works in a set speciality, it was a much harder search anyway. So she stayed for three months in the city with me, after leaving the hospital where we had met, but when the contract on the apartment was up she had planned to go back home to Greece - for a break and also, to find work (Back in the UK).
I had always known deep inside, that she would realistically be there for a good few months - she always thought that she'd be back within two months. Of course, this was a very trying time - The goodbye at the airport was one of the most painful things I think I've ever had to deal with, in my adult life. I fell into an instant depression, I couldn't eat, I didn't want to sleep - but I didn't want to be awake either, I struggled through work - I had moved back home, 50 miles round trip from the hospital and I commute via public transport - so I'm pretty tired most days, but more so when I wasn't able to eat. She also fell into a depression - and instead of this being a time we pulled together, we fell apart, in such a horrid way. She radiated back to her ex and I couldn't function from one day to the next.
Eventually, five months passed and she had found a job, only it wasn't in the City we had been before - she's now 100 miles away (Which is better than 1000 of course) and we managed to sort everything out - We've been back together for a month, in which time I've seen her three weekends out of four - I've been down and stayed with her each time, just as I'm still at home with my parents (I completely screwed everything up when I was depressed) so it makes a lot more sense for me to go there, as we have our own space.
I thought that the five months of hell without her had toughened me up, I'm a very sensitive person so, emotions especially the ones that make us most uncomfortable, are far from strangers to me.
I guess I'm reaching out today, as I have just returned home from spending five days with her - I had some time off of work and although she worked a couple of those days, we were able to spend some time together on evenings and best of all, woke up with one and other. I know this weekend hit me harder when I left, due to actually spending more time with her - I just can't see this pain ever really improving - and I don't know how to handle it.
I got home, five hours of travel time, I have no appetite, I can't stop crying and I'm lashing out at her - voicing my concerns that if we're lucky, we'll spend 10 days together a month - it feels like a small half of a life together, I guess I'm still grieving for the life we had before - the one I took for granted, when we lived together, in the same City, where we worked within the same hospital, where we had made a world within this world. Now, I float from Home to work to her, I feel no security, no safety and most of all I feel lost and completely without her most of the time.
We deal with things very differently, and I can't help but thinking if I push enough, if I break enough, she will only do what she did when she went back to Greece - she'll turn to her ex, because its the easy option, that's her place of security, a person who is comfortable with a LDR and can navigate her way through a lot better than I can.
I have no idea how to be a place of security and safety to a person that I don't feel that from - not because she doesn't try, but because our ideas of trying are very different. Our expectations and ideals are out of sync, and although our communication and efforts have improved and continue to do so - I can't help but think that I'm torturing myself.
I feel like my heart breaks several times a month - I have the same routine on work days and so I see the same strangers every day - I see these strangers more than I see the person I'm in love with. I can't quite get my head around it.
Moving to be with her or her moving back here is not an option right now - I'm starting a two year training programme next week and she has just started her new job which has a minimum contract of 6 months - which will probably be extended to 12, but then thereafter she may stay or even have to find elsewhere - so even if I took the risk and moved, I'm moving only to uncertainty in X amount of months.
I'm lost, I'm lonely and I don't know how to deal with the feeling of my heart breaking again and again. Please, any advice - any at all, I'd be very grateful.
With thanks,
Reba.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for on here - I guess a feeling of not being so alone? Maybe to be pointed in the right direction of sanity? Or maybe even advice for better, stronger tissues!
So, a little history; I met my SO back in 2016, we both worked within the same hospital - I work as an assistant in theatres and she's a surgical registrar. We were both in relationships when we first met, so our beginning was a hazy blur of surging hormones and teenage antics whilst trying to navigate through our respective break ups.
Although we hadn't really noticed when we first met, we have quite a sizeable age gap - 17 years to be exact (I'm 27 and she is now 43), not that age is an issue, but I definitely believe its where most of our differences and at times issues originate from - we're from different countries, different cultures, religions and ages - funnily enough, all of our differences have left room for us to have enough in common to have created a foundation in which we continue to build on. She has become my best friend.
Things got pretty serious fairly quickly, we started living together within the first couple of months and it was a very intense year. There were many ups and downs - it wasn't the easiest of years, although on reflection, we nosedived into a relationship, worked fairly close with one and other and didn't ever really allow ourselves time to grieve for the previous relationships we had been in, so its no surprise for it to have been so challenging at times.
After a year, we were still very much in love - but as life would have it, it was time for a curve ball to be thrown our way. My SO's contract came to an end at work, she had been burying her head in the sand for months, so she hadn't really dealt with reality. I had become very anxious and was very aware of what was going to happen.
My SO hadn't been very organised - due to stress etc, and so she hadn't sorted another job, and as she works in a set speciality, it was a much harder search anyway. So she stayed for three months in the city with me, after leaving the hospital where we had met, but when the contract on the apartment was up she had planned to go back home to Greece - for a break and also, to find work (Back in the UK).
I had always known deep inside, that she would realistically be there for a good few months - she always thought that she'd be back within two months. Of course, this was a very trying time - The goodbye at the airport was one of the most painful things I think I've ever had to deal with, in my adult life. I fell into an instant depression, I couldn't eat, I didn't want to sleep - but I didn't want to be awake either, I struggled through work - I had moved back home, 50 miles round trip from the hospital and I commute via public transport - so I'm pretty tired most days, but more so when I wasn't able to eat. She also fell into a depression - and instead of this being a time we pulled together, we fell apart, in such a horrid way. She radiated back to her ex and I couldn't function from one day to the next.
Eventually, five months passed and she had found a job, only it wasn't in the City we had been before - she's now 100 miles away (Which is better than 1000 of course) and we managed to sort everything out - We've been back together for a month, in which time I've seen her three weekends out of four - I've been down and stayed with her each time, just as I'm still at home with my parents (I completely screwed everything up when I was depressed) so it makes a lot more sense for me to go there, as we have our own space.
I thought that the five months of hell without her had toughened me up, I'm a very sensitive person so, emotions especially the ones that make us most uncomfortable, are far from strangers to me.
I guess I'm reaching out today, as I have just returned home from spending five days with her - I had some time off of work and although she worked a couple of those days, we were able to spend some time together on evenings and best of all, woke up with one and other. I know this weekend hit me harder when I left, due to actually spending more time with her - I just can't see this pain ever really improving - and I don't know how to handle it.
I got home, five hours of travel time, I have no appetite, I can't stop crying and I'm lashing out at her - voicing my concerns that if we're lucky, we'll spend 10 days together a month - it feels like a small half of a life together, I guess I'm still grieving for the life we had before - the one I took for granted, when we lived together, in the same City, where we worked within the same hospital, where we had made a world within this world. Now, I float from Home to work to her, I feel no security, no safety and most of all I feel lost and completely without her most of the time.
We deal with things very differently, and I can't help but thinking if I push enough, if I break enough, she will only do what she did when she went back to Greece - she'll turn to her ex, because its the easy option, that's her place of security, a person who is comfortable with a LDR and can navigate her way through a lot better than I can.
I have no idea how to be a place of security and safety to a person that I don't feel that from - not because she doesn't try, but because our ideas of trying are very different. Our expectations and ideals are out of sync, and although our communication and efforts have improved and continue to do so - I can't help but think that I'm torturing myself.
I feel like my heart breaks several times a month - I have the same routine on work days and so I see the same strangers every day - I see these strangers more than I see the person I'm in love with. I can't quite get my head around it.
Moving to be with her or her moving back here is not an option right now - I'm starting a two year training programme next week and she has just started her new job which has a minimum contract of 6 months - which will probably be extended to 12, but then thereafter she may stay or even have to find elsewhere - so even if I took the risk and moved, I'm moving only to uncertainty in X amount of months.
I'm lost, I'm lonely and I don't know how to deal with the feeling of my heart breaking again and again. Please, any advice - any at all, I'd be very grateful.
With thanks,
Reba.
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