Partner might be demisexual. It is challenging to have a romantic relationship.

[hmrambling]

We've been together for 3 1/2 years. We started out long distance. We had long phone conversations each evening and saw each other on the weekends. We were long distance for 2 years.

But the distance was only 50 miles. So we really had an opportunity to see each other more often.

We agreed in the beginning to take things slow... and we did. She had no problem with that.

We chatted on a dating site, then emailed each other, then talked on the phone, and then dated in person for almost two months before we had sex... (but we were regularly communicating for about 5 months before we had sex.) I was okay with that timeframe, even though challenging.

More than two months passed before she told me that she loved me. She explained that she needed to feel a very deep emotional connection before telling me that she loves me on a regular basis.

She's never been much on public displays of affection and doesn't like to discuss our relationship with others.

I told her that I could accept that she's private about our relationship. I respect that she's a private person.

I proposed to her March 2017, and was upset with her response when she said yes and reiterated that we really need to get to know each other better. I explained that we had been talking about the future and spending the future together. I felt a little reprimanded when she said that she had hoped that we could live together so that we could get to know each other better, and then we could make future plans after that.

We moved in together July of 2017. She had a lot of anxiety and depression from the move, in addition to starting school for her doctoral program. Our sex life fell by the wayside. She said she missed how we used to talk on the phone at length when we were dating, and that she didn't feel as close as when we had deep discussions like we used to have.

She proposed to me July 2018. I was completely blown away because I was not expecting it. Sex is still by the wayside. We've had sex about 5 times this year. Maybe less.

Does being demisexual mean that even though a person has an established close relationship with another person, that the demisexual must have constant deep conversations in order to maintain a close bond with their partner?

I sometimes wonder if she is not a love avoidant. I'm not sure how to discern love avoidance from demisexuality.

I wonder if her desired connection level is even achievable. The more we say that we need to have ongoing conversations, the more we do not have these conversations.

I have really painted a picture in my head that she is unromantic, non-spontaneous, predictable, and unmotivated (both romantically and sexually). I genuinely do not see her as a romantic person and it pretty much baffles me when she does anything romantic. She does not initiate sex, and frankly I'm tired of initiating and being turned down (even though I don't initiate that often).

If this is what demisexuality looks like, how is one supposed to be a supportive partner to a demisexual?

I'm not sure that I understand how demisexuality is different from love avoidance or sexual anorexia. Perhaps it is a combination of the three.

Do demisexuals believe that they are emotionally unavailable to even their partners?

Are demisexuals sexually unavailable to people who they already have an established close bond?

Please let me know if this is what demisexuality looks like.

[Millianne]

Hey, I just want to say that I understand your struggle and that what you're experiencing is not what demisexuality looks like.
I've identified as demi for about 5 years and certainly doesn't recognize your description at all. It sound as your partner is asexual or aromantic, also known as ace-aro.
That can be tough, but how you deal with that is completely up to you and what kind a person you are.
If sex is an important part of you feeling good about your relationship, maybe you should talk about it.
And if your relationship is right, she will respect you and maybe surprise you in a positive way.
Demisexual just refers to the need for a deeper connection with a person before you get romantic feelings or desires for said person.
The level og connection is individual and demisexuals are as different fro each other as any other sexual/preference group out there.

I've been in a situation similar to yours, but in the beginning of the relationship, right after we closed the distance, and then we talked about it.
And put some time into learning and understanding each others love language and now it feels great.
The worst ting you can do is stop talking about how you feel, and dreading that things will not work out.
That is how many relationships falls apart, so I suggest trusting in you partner, and be completely open about how you feel.
If she is the one you will find a way to get through the situation together, and if not I wish you the best regardless.

From a sympathetic demisexual

[hmrambling]

We've talked about it over the past year off and on. She wants to have these deep intimate conversations on a regular basis. Without said conversations, she doesn't feel like she wants to be physically intimate. We commit to having these conversations regularly, but then we do not. It really feels like it is not high priority which is why months pass.

It's like having a gym membership. If you pay the membership but never go to the gym, the membership is useless. We commit to regularly having these deep intimate conversations, but then we do not.

I believe that she thinks that we should have an ever-growing emotional connection. Without the emotional connection growing even moreso than once was, that she doesn't feel connected to have sex. IMHO, she believes that we should always be learning more about each other and that emotional connection will always grow. There is already an established bond, but she will always need more. It seems like an insatiable desire to always explore the depth of the relationship, and lacking that, there will not really be a satisfying sexual relationship... which is why I cannot discern if it is love avoidance (regardless how much I do, some rationale will always push me away) or sexual anorexia (real fear of sexual intimacy).... or some very deep and always growing connection she needs in order to be physically intimate. Ironically, she isn't a needy person. It's not like she's always asking for validation or anything like that. Nor is she asking for these deep intimate conversations. But when I ask about the lacking physical intimacy, she points to the lack of deep intimate conversations.

[Redheart14]

Sounds exhausting for you. Hopefully things will improve for you

[Harlequin]

I agree that this wouldn’t be classified as demisexuality, and it also sounds SUPER exhausting for you. It sounds like she might have something else going on in her mind, or maybe she just doesn’t know what exactly it is she wants, and is using the conversations as an excuse.

I feel like you’ve been more than accommodating throughout this relationship. It’s weird that she doesn’t seem interested in reciprocating. There are only so many deep conversations you can have before it’s just exhausting. There’s only so much you can do to carry the relationship before you get burned out. She really needs to figure herself out before she goes putting all that weight on you. That’s not fair.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Harlequin has already said all my thoughts i had while reading this but just wanted to add in as someone who is demi that yeah she definitely doesn't sound demi from your description. She sounds very much aro-ace, or that she has some underlying issue with sex and needs to use something as sort of like a validation to continue having it with you. as the others have said it does sound completely exhausting and they are right that there are only so many deep conversations she can have. To me it definitely sounds leik she needs these intimate conversations to feel loved and connected to you and she relates sex to those feelings, which really in an everyday life where jobs and just general living is all you do those conversations are incredibly hard to have.

I think you really need to sit her down and explore this together, when she pushes back saying you done have those conversations you need to lay the truth on her that you shouldn't have to have those and that she should love and understand you without them. ask her why she feels she needs them and see if there is any sort of compromise you can even help her with. it could be this big mental block in her head where things don't match up and you have to try your best to help her overcome that. I have a similar problem with my partner that although i'm demi and she's ace i have a high sex drive and she doesn't and for awhile i really struggled separating how sex doesn't relate to love and that you can do other things instead of sex to show love and basically just sex=love isn't a good mindset to be in.

I've been here for a good few years and have been reading your posts about your relationship and yeah it seems to be a bit rocky and difficult, but i really hope you guys can figure it all out. Best of luck!

[hmrambling]

We're now in therapy for our dead bedroom and other relationship issues. We haven't had sex for a few months. After I brought up the subject, the dead bedroom seemed to have gotten worse until she said that she felt pressured for sex when I talked about sex or intimacy.

Our therapist suggested that she's struggling with vulnerability and that may be linked to my SO not dealing with grieving her mother. Her mother died when my SO was a teenager and she's 44 now.

The proposal has come up in therapy. My SO said that even though now she can see that her response to my proposal has affected our relationship that I was very calm, cool, and gracious while we were at the Grand Canyon. Somehow she seems surprised that now I am reporting to the therapist that she seems emotionally unavailable. I feel like we've both planted our feet firmer in the sand since the proposal which has resulted in a dead bedroom.

[Redheart14]

Must be tough. Have you set a date or are you just waiting to see how therapy goes?

[hmrambling]

We have not set a date.

We've been going to therapy for a few weeks now. We've been able to identify some issues that we need to work on so we are doing the work, and we'll see how that goes.

[Millianne]

Wish you the best. I know you've tried a lot to make this work and I've had similar issues.
I'm demi and me my SO is somewhere in the ace-specter to. Our problem has been the sex=love mindset that's been mention before.
That resulted in first me being frustrated and sad over the fact the my SO didn't seem interested. My SO is not one for public affection and
that was okay, but I had my own insecurity about my body and this combination was not good. My insecurities got worse because my SO didn't
interested in my in a sexual way, and I added two and two together and thought that ment not interested in me. Then after pushing it for a couple of months
I kinda gave up, but then my SO got needy. Now the table turned and my SO wanted that kind of intimacy that I craved before but now was to insecure to give.
This struggle goes on and off, but small things as understanding that we both need to feel well in our bodies to want to be intimate in that way helped.
Now we try to go slow, and this is the formula I found worked the best. Try with an intimate massage and make sure you make every part of your SO feel loved.
Make sure to give each part of your SO's body equal attention even tho you want certain parts more than other. Work slowly down the body, leaving kisses is great
but not to excessive, it's supposed to make the other person feel loved and not lust. when you work your way back up, if it feels right, moving on to slow kissing can be great.
Then if your SO want to and intensifies the kiss, move slowly over to what you want and remember to be satisfied with whatever outcome.
If you get to the kissing part be happy about that, if you SO just want to cuddle embrace that. And slowly giving love and attention
maybe you SO will feel both more connected to you emotionally and it can slowly fix body issues to. Not for everyone but can be a great way to reconnect
together with the therapy.

Best of luck to you <3

[Chris516]

That seems a little twisted.

I am not referring to any sexual preference. I am referring to the fact she proposed. Then, When it comes to the sexual part of the relationship. She doesn't initiate at all.

[hmrambling]

Our 1 year wedding anniversary is next week. We've had sex one time this year. I am going back to the therapist tomorrow (not couple's counseling). I had hoped that last year's therapy would help but frankly we haven't been putting anything into practice that we learned in therapy.

[Redheart14]

Our 1 year wedding anniversary is next week. We've had sex one time this year. I am going back to the therapist tomorrow (not couple's counseling). I had hoped that last year's therapy would help but frankly we haven't been putting anything into practice that we learned in therapy.

How’s your relationship apart from the physical aspect?

[hmrambling]

How’s your relationship apart from the physical aspect?

We're really great companions and I think she likes it that way. She wants communication to be improved and to sit and have regular talks about our feelings like we did when we were dating. I told her that if she's searching for that fuzzy feeling of getting to know a new person that she might have to meet new people. Harmones cause people to feel that fuzzy feeling when folks are first dating, and that wears off somewhere between 18 months and 2 years. I don't think that it is a coincidence that ever since we moved in together (right at the 2 year mark) that we started having these issues that we don't have sex. I told her that we need to figure out which direction our marriage is going to take. Anytime I bring up the fact that we don't have sex, she thinks that I don't accept her the way she is and that I want her to change. I told her that if nothing changes that we will be having a sexless companionship. Her actions are telling me that she is content with a sexless relationship. I believe she feels threatened because she wanted to talk about how strong our relationship is and how communication is improving. If our relationship is so strong and communication is improving, why don't we have sex? We get along great, talk all the time, but no depth of conversation or discussion of feelings has been sufficient for her to feel connected enough to have sex with me. This is not solely about me. I am an attractive, fit, athletic woman who strives to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. I cannot help the fact that she has something within herself that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me. The issue that I have to contend with is, "how will I cope with this?" and "how long will this be acceptable to me?"

It feels like she is not available to me and that I've chosen someone who needs or wants an unattainable level of connectedness in order to feel comfortable having sex. I know I am powerless over other people. This has been very challenging for me.

This morning she said, "happy one year anniversary." I said, "it's been a great year of companionship." I meant it. We need to figure out what direction we're going to take. Every time I bring up any issue she thinks I'm trying to change her. To me, this says that she wants things to stay the same. It appears that she wants the same sexless relationship we've had since July 2017 (when we moved in together). We've been great pals and have gotten along well during the pandemic. We are mostly amicable even with working remotely and have done a number of projects together. She says not thinking about sex is her default, I say that it is now the status quo. Lack of sex doesn't seem to bother her at all. In fact, it's her norm (default). I can see why she'd be pretty happy with the relationship until I bring up how not having sex is an issue.

[hmrambling]

Update:

Excerpts from one year wedding anniversary after-work-before-we-depart-for-our-nice-dinner conversation.

Me crying: "You're unavailable to me. And I stay and I stay and I stay. And you're unavailable to me. The writing is on the wall. I asked you over a year ago to tell me if you wanted a sexless relationship before I married you. I asked you if you were asexual. You said you were offended and taken back that I asked you. It's only fair that you let me know. I'm not here for companionship only. You have taken this part of our relationship and made it off limits to me which means you are unavailable to me. I am tired of being rejected."

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

Therapy from January to June last year. I started off the very first session with, "I'm worried, I'm concerned, it seems obvious you're unavailable to me. I do NOT want to stay in a relationship with someone who is unavailable to me."

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

And I say that this relationship cannot go on if we don't have physical intimacy...

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

And then we open up our feelings and talk about theoretically having sex one day.

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

And we get assignments to actually have sex.

And you want to talk more about theoretically having sex one day.

Then the therapist asks if we've had sex as assigned.

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

And then we go home and dutifully have sex as the therapist has assigned.

Smitten by the dutiful sex, we convince ourselves that issues are resolved.

We marry.

We have a one year wedding anniversary. We discuss how we've had sex one time this year. We've been great companions and our relationship is really strong.

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

"It's only fair to me that you tell me if you want to improve in this area. I want a relationship with physical intimacy," I say.

And you... you respond that you need more open discussions about feelings.

I say, "what would I look like if I treated food the way we treat sex? What would I look like if I didn't eat for 3 years?"

You don't really want to answer that question. I say, "visualize it, explain it to me."

You say, "it would look pretty sad."

No, more descriptive. I need a visual. I need to know what a person would look like if they didn't eat for 3 years. I need a visual.

"Well, it would look like someone hardly surviving. Like a skeleton."

I say. "Yes, that's what we were BEFORE we went to therapy last year. We were hanging on by life support. We were undernourished. Malnourished. Hardly existing." And then we went to therapy and declared ourselves okay... And then we did nothing more.

And you say, "I guess I underestimated the importance of having a physical relationship."

At this point, you acknowledge that last year you knew that if we didn't go into therapy that the relationship was over. Also acknowledge that we went into therapy for 6 months, had sex which was assigned to us by a therapist, and then got married hoping therapy stuck, and somehow it never registered that having a physical relationship was important. It's like it did NOT matter to you that it was very important to me to be with someone who is emotionally and physically available to me. I point blank told you that I want a sexual relationship but somehow it never registered that it was important ?!?!?!

We begin talking about how we can improve sex in our relationship.

Maybe you'll go back to individual therapy and focus on this issue, you say.

You reiterate that you need more open discussions about feelings.

Finally I say, "No. At no point in our relationship have we had so many open discussions about feelings that physical intimacy comes natural. It's not instant. We have tons of open discussions about feelings. I'm not opposed to openly discussing my feelings. In fact, I'm an advocate for openly sharing. However, sharing about our feelings all the time is not a segway for you to instantly feel natural about having sex with me. This is exactly what a moving goalpost is. You say 'more open discussions about feelings' and then you determine that you're not comfortable enough, or relaxed enough, or connected enough, so we have to have even more open discussions about feelings. That is exactly what a moving goal post is. Having more open conversations about feelings ≠ sex coming naturally."

Then she fell quiet. She said, "well, that may not be good news for me. I thought it was because I needed more open discussions about feelings."


No shit. You're fucking kidding me, right? (which I did NOT say). Instead, I drove to a fancy restaurant. We had a nice conversation as though we just got off work and were catching up on the day.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm tired. I'm baffled about those things that I said were important seemed of no importance to the woman I married.