Communication problems in ldr

[Devilish_Demi]

My gf (24F) and I (22F) have been in a ldr for 2 years. We met eachother on a dating site and we were both looking for the same thing (a relationship). In the beginning we texted, talked and did videocalls regularly (like 5 hours a day) and after a while (after a year) we both realised that we like eachother. So one day I confessed and asked her if she wanted to be my gf to which, to my delight, she answered yes! However the relationship is still purely ld and we haven't met in real life yet even though we both desperately want to cause we live in different cities, have different schedules and the situation with Covid isn't exactly helpful but we still talked everyday.

Anyways I'm majoring in psychology and studying violin professionally along with some other activities so my schedule is always pretty packed. This year it was even worse cause I'm in my second year of my degree. My GF on the other hand has an open schedule.
So communication from my side got pretty sparse. I couldn't text or talk to her everyday and sometimes we spoke after 4 days however I still tried! This year my schedule is so tight that I ended up completely burnt out (and still am) with regular headaches, nosebleeds, tendonitis, one day even a hospital visit due to low blood pressure and overworking etc.

So there were many instances where my GF would complain about me "disappearing for days and leaving her on radio silence" or that "I'm playing hard to get".
And I tried to explain to her many times that it's not me disappearing for days or ignoring her but sometimes literally having no free time and asked her to please be a little patient/understanding and reminded her that the fact that I don't have free time doesn't mean that I don't care about her or love her. Now my GF from her side rarely reaches out and texts me even though she has a more open schedule (she only works at a part time job) something that genuinely confuses me.

There where also many instances where my GF would constantly ask me when I'm going to visit her (and she also wants to know the exact date) even though she knows that I can't yet and the situation with Covid isn't even going well (I belong to the vulnerable group so I'm being careful).

The worst thing happened 2 weeks ago where she asked me once again if I can visit her soon and if I can't then if I want her to come over for my birthday. To which I replied that I really, really want to but I can't yet cause my birthday is during my final exams and the only thing I'm gonna do is study and take my finals. And she just... disappeared for almost 10 days (perhaps even more) going completely radio silent and not answering to any text making me worried and anxious.

When she showed up she simply said in kinda aggressive way "sorry for the the radio silence, I'm not in the best mood and it shows" and "you also disappear and go radio silent on me for days without any warning. So I should be entitled to do the same thing in that case" and nothing else.
And honestly I found this pretty hurtful and unwarranted?
So I kinda waited 2 days before forming a reply cause I didn't want to say something I would regret in my anger and hurt. Before I could write my reply today (on my birthday) she texted me in a disappointed and still aggressive way "this is exactly what I mean".

So I think that there are some problems in this relationship but I honestly don't know how I should resolve this. Any advice on how I should handle this? What should I do next? The thing is that I want her to understand a bit my side as well...

[WhiteBoots]

I have a similar problem but I would be in your gf's situation in my case, so I imagine how she feels (i've been on your side as well, but less). I never complained about the silence, tho, not even once; and I just kept getting ignored. Would you want that from her? Just understanding and not complaining, just her waiting for you?

Perhaps the relationship just won't work because you can't give her what she wants. I understand you have too much going on, and it's not fair to ask you for what you can't give. It's not nice being in either of your shoes --both yours and your gf's. She may feel like you are putting everything else above her, even to the point of not texting even a bit every day or every two days. And you may feel she's not understanding enough. So, perhaps you are both not giving each other what each needs, and it would be best to just break up and find another person, and if you want, keep being friends.

[autumn1790]

This might come across as a little snarky, but you were upset that she didn't communicate with you, so you....didn't communicate with her? I get that you're busy as heck, but not finding two seconds in four days to text your gf seems either improbable or unhealthy (any body that busy will burn out eventually). Ldrs take extensive communication and that from both sides. If you look at it from her perspective, she is in a relationship with someone who does not prioritize her enough to maintain a line of communication, no matter how many other priorities they are juggling. Sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for both of you. Imo, it might be beneficial to take some personal time to determine your priorities, and then step a bit back of the lowest priority.

[lesbean]

Hi Demi,

I notice you two are only living roughly 200 miles from each other, and since it has been a couple years, I was wondering why you have not found a way to meet up yet? Is it purely because of COVID-19 or is there another reason?

I think you are both a little in the "right." Truthfully, if you were video-chatting and talking all day, every day, for a long time, then stopping that changes the dynamic of the relationship. I am sure your girlfriend is stressed and sad over this lack of communication, especially with an open schedule. However, with this open schedule they have, why have they not tried to visit you yet, or is it your choice not to meet? I live in another country and do not know what the situation is in Greece regarding COVID-19, so forgive me if I am overstepping.

Although I feel there is more you could be doing to improve the communication again, I do understand you are busy. But if you truly care about your girlfriend, it is crucial that you let her know that daily--even if just by sending the shortest, simplest of messages, such as, "I miss you" or, "I love you."

Lastly, her behavior and attitude is a bit intense--but without that communication, you don't even know if there are outside factors at play such as the loss of a friend, etc., that may have influenced how they have reacted to you since you haven't been around.

Respectfully,
Lesbean