New to site, long-winded post but I need some support

[kaleidoscopes]

I just posted this in the intro forum but I need some support so I am posting here as well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not exactly sure where my relationship stands right now and not currently doing the LDR thing BUT the first part of our relationship was an LDR and if we continue - we will be doing it 7,000 miles between us come June.

I reconnected with a kid I new in middle school and high-school on FaceBook last February. It started innocently enough, chats online here and there and quickly progressed to talking and texting whenever possible. He was in the Army based out of KY when we first started talking and I was living up in NH. We stopped talking for a period over the summer and then reconnected again mid-fall. It took a little while but we fell back in place and after spending NYE and Valentine’s Day (almost, that was the intent anyways) we realized we had to make some decisions about our relationship SO I packed up my life, my job (tele-commuter), and my love and moved 1200 miles to be with him in GA (where the army had relocated him) in April of this year

Our relationship has been simply amazing. He’s been patient, kind, and done nothing but help me grow (sordid past) and love me.

That is, up until a month or so ago. He found out his tour to Korea was extended beyond a year and he is looking at at least two years. He stopped touching me, stopped kissing me, stopped doing everything that was a normal part of our lives and started avoiding being home. I don’t really know anyone locally so I reached out on a couple of websites and the consensus I got was that his behavior wasn’t uncommon and it was something a lot of soldier’s experience before deploying or going on hardship tours.

I tried to be strong and just let things work themselves out but it just got worse and worse. Eventually I called him out and asked him what the hell was up and there was all this back and forth about him not thinking it was fair to ask me to wait so long for him, I deserved a better life and stability and all these nice sounding reasons for his behavior. I made it clear that I understood what we was saying but that I was waiting for him and that was that. At first it seemed to be fine, I just let it go. Again, things started sliding downhill and one day I was in the city and I decided that if things didn’t get better or it didn’t look like it would work that I would move up there and have a fresh start.

Long story short, we (he) decided it was better for me to just move up to the city and so I found an apartment and am moving next month. We’ve had fights, insane sex, open heart to hearts, and everything in between. When he is communicating openly he tells me a lot and basically at this moment nothing is certain. I love him and he loves me but two years is a long time and the only thing either of us can do is let time lead the way and see how things play out.

I’m excited about moving to the city (currently so that I can spend the day in the fetal position on the couch) and finishing school, furthering my career, exploring myself and finding some adventures, but at the same time I’m a mess. I’m either angry, sobbing on the floor of the shower, or feeling like maybe, just maybe, there is hope for us.

I just need to talk with people who can relate or have gone through something similar and who can support me.

Help

[kaleidoscopes]

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

[Heavenly_Love12]

I haven't gone through something like this, but I am in the military and can offer you some insight.

Two years to be gone is a long time and it sounds like he is doing his best to not feel bad about leaving someone behind. It's not an easy thing to leave a loved one behind so distancing yourself beforehand, can help (I haven't done that but know a lot of people who have.) I do know couples who have been stationed apart and gave a different country long distance relationship a shot and made it through. You never know what could happen. My own story involves dating my SO for a little more than a year, breaking up and not talking for 2 years, getting back in contact and back together.

My advice to you is to do whatever is best for you! I was a military girlfriend before joining the military myself so I understand how frustrating it is to have no control over the situation. Time will tell what will happen and try to stay strong throughout this. If he sees that you're having a really hard time now, what's he going to think you'll be like, if you stay together, when he's 7,000 miles away? I wish you luck and remember, if it's meant to be it will be.

[kynakamura]

Hello,

I just started up today, so I'm pretty new as well. I hope my opinions and advice will help you, because I feel for you!

I joined the military earlier this year and my significant other is also in the military. Unlike Heavenly Love, I joined at the same time my love did, before we decided to date. Nothing like betting your life away only to find out that you love someone else who bet his life away too! So now we're looking at at least six-year wait on kids, a house, and going back to school, and perhaps even getting married because the Navy now doesn't allow "fraternization" between different ranks. It's been hard. I joined LFAD today mainly to post about how we're hitting some rough patches already (and it's only been 4 months!). So I understand I little of what you're going through.

Like Heavenly Love, I also think the best judge for problems is time. I know a loooot of people older than me (mainly some of my mom's friends and my coworkers) who broke up with their spouses and got back together only to marry and live the happiest lives ever. Then again, I've had my share of disappointing long distance relationships and I know that it's also up to what you want from a partner. No one wants an LDR, but some are willing to put up with it because they truly feel like they found someone whom fits what they need to feel loved.

Sadness when someone you care about it being ripped from your life is natural, grieving is part of healing. But I'm concerned about you moving away next month. When you're grieving you shouldn't try to make major decisions like moving away and cutting all ties, or else you might come to regret it. The hardest part is to wait and clear your head, try and find something else to comfort you, which might not come from your significant other, and then try again. The time crunch also doesn't help, I bet. I t just adds more stress to get the problem solved NOW, but in reality you might have to wait to solve this problem until he gets back, and like Heavenly Love said, it can be veeery frustrating.

You said in your post that he's distancing himself because he thinks he shouldn't make you wait, but I'm still not sure about what YOU want to do. It sounds like you're not yet sure about whether you will wait for him or not--which is fine, but is confusing. I think it would help to sit down, take a deep breath, and think about what YOU want, what would ultimately make you happy. If you're relationship is strong enough to endure, and you're strong enough of a person, then I suggest waiting it out, if you still aren't sure you or your relationship is strong enough now (not to say it won't be in the future), then perhaps it would be easier on you to give yourself some personal time until you meet him again.

It's all up to you to decide, is the bottom line. Your loved one is trying to make the decision easier by distancing himself, but he cannot make this decision for you. Will you wait or not? The answer might not come before his leaves, but I'm sure you'll find it out in the time spent apart, so you can be prepared for when he comes back (and if he leaves again). I'm here for ya lady, and you can add me if you want and we can chit chat more about it.

From,

Kimani

[Kiyama]

I think most people go through these stages when it comes to ldrs. The days before seperation and right after can be super tough. It's a normal reaction. Just try and keep busy. There is nothing you can do at the moment. You can never know what the future holds so live in the present and try not to worry too much. It won't always work and there are going to be days you'll feel insecure and lonely but you'll see that time flies and you'll have him in your arms again

[erinin86]

I understand where you're coming from and I would like to shed a little light on what he might possibly be knowing and not telling you. Now please keep in mind that Im not trying to offend anyone, so I'm sorry if I do. I dont know either one of you so there is no point for me to sugar coat anything or lie. I just want you to be aware of all the things that I know so hopefully it will help you do whatever you feel is right for yourself and your relationship. But the reality of the matter is this, Korea is a dangerous place for relationships. Even married couples. So non-married couples that are on the rocks stand an even slimmer chance. The reason Im telling you all this is because the divorce rate for military stationed in Korea is significantly higher than any other base. If thats the divorce rate can you even imagine what the rate for break-ups is. Most of the reasons for ending relationships is infidelity on either one or both parties. The temptation there is high. You have women that we call Juicys that are pretty much prostitutes. Then you have a lot of drunken nights so the chances of drunken relationship endings mistakes happen all the time. Now I'm not saying that he would never cheat but that is a reality that you might have to face. And I am really sorry if any of this is a shock to you.

I am Air Force and I have been stationed in Korea twice. Imagine a really wild fraternity that you see on the movies. Think Animal House. Now trade the togas in for uniforms and thats pretty much what you have. Korea is nothing but a huge drunken college town on steroids. Hes Army so Im going to assume hes going to be going to a base around Seoul. The legal drinking age in Korea is 20. Now for US military it is still 21, but that doesnt stop people from going to Gangnam and drinking underage. (Gangnam is a district in Seoul, not just a goofy song.) The base that I was at was about 30 miles from Seoul, and right outside the main gate there were about 120+ bars within a half mile of the gate. Seoul is much more spred out and there is a lot more to do up there. They have a motto in Korea is "work hard, play harder." I'm sure you have heard that before but it is taken seriously up there. People get in trouble when they are drunk all the time. There is this devil of a drink that is called Soju (So-jew) and it will kick you in the ass even before you realize it. I have seen big guys, we're talkin liek 6'0" and 250 lbs. drink it all night and think they're fine until they go to stand up they will collapse because it finally hit them like a ton of bricks. Having drank it myself I know that it will make you do things that you never dreamed you were capable and then erasing all memory of it ever happening until it shows up on YouTube the next day.

I really hope that I helped you in any way. I really do truely hope things work out for you exactly the way you want them to. I wish you the best of luck in your life and relationship. I am really sorry if I upset you or offended you in any way. I just wanted you to be aware of the things that I have seen go on there. I really hope that against all odds that your relationship stands through all the obsticles that stand in your way.

Most people are only there for a year, and in the AF you have to apply to stay there for two. I dont know about the Army but as far as i kne they had the same thing. So he might have applied and not told you. Again not saying that he is a terrible person and went behind your back but thats a question that you might want to ask.