Do you feel like an equal to your military partner?

[jbble]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the military lifestyle. My boyfriend is currently in AIT. We have a very strong and loving relationship, but there are things about "military relationships" in general that put me ill at ease.

I absolutely don't mean to insult anyone, but these thoughts have been on my mind from day one and I want to hear some other opinions about them. It seems to me from what I read on nearly every military forum, on every blog post, on every topic to do with dating someone in the military, it is "support him unconditionally" and "he needs your support" and "always be there for him" and "do all of this stuff to take care of him". Where is the other side of these relationships? Why does it seem like nobody dating soldiers expects support in return? I can't possibly be the only one who expects my soldier to put as much effort into supporting me as I do to him, can I?

And on a similar note, I get the unsettling feeling that many military significant others feel like being in the military is a far more important job than any civilian could have. I don't think that being in the service is any more important than any other job- there is a place and purpose for all sorts of people in this world. Shouldn't we be praising the significant others just as much, those who are teachers and lawyers and writers and stay at home parents and whatever else they might choose to be?

Really, I just want to be proven wrong and hear from some other people who think they are equal in their relationships with their military partner, and who expect the partner to put just as much energy into the relationship as they do.

[Irina_Linn]

all i can say is that it twists all the time depending on who needs support more.it doesnt matter,what the person is doing in terms of service or office job,but if he or she goes through rough times,it is the responsibility of the partner to support and be there for their loved one.my SO is going to be in the army soon and i will support him as much as i can,since i know i will receive even more back

[OperaDiva]

I know this is not a new thread, but it sounds like a really interesting question. I think you are absolutely right (sorry, I know you are looking for someone to disagree with you ), every relationship takes two people. If I am not treated with care, trust, respect and love, then there is a problem, and the occupation of my SO is not exactly a get-out-of-jail-free card. Of course we support the ones we love in their journey and their professional choices (unless they contradict our own convictions and boundaries), but that does not mean that our needs and dreams are not as important and vital. And being a good teacher (or a bad one for that matter, but lets stay positive) can make a huge difference in the world and in someone's life, just like a firefighter, or a musician, or a doctor, or a mom.

I would say, don't listen to what others are telling you. Take your relationship as it is, and evaluate it against yourself. And don't take a back seat, follow your dreams!

[maja]

Well, since my SO and I are of different nationality I'm obviously not overly patriotic for his country but I respect his job and the work he does and obviously try and support him. But he supports me a lot in my career path as well (I'm studying law to become a diplomat).
I do think that being in the military has a distinguished notion to, to me it's not necessarily a job like any other because of the extreme situations they get confronted with during deployment. It also is a way of life, as it literally does completely dominate your schedule.
But that doesn't mean that you don't deserve support and have to hold back your issues - you are equal partners in your relationship or at least you should be.

I think there is a lot of idealising involved with women saying you should support him unconditionally etc. and they believe that their SO will forever owe them their mental wellbeing and what not.

Just ignore them.

[kikidee]

I think what they mean is when he is deployed somewhere he doesnt want to be and forced to at the same time, you should support them. That doesn't mean when you need support they don't support you back. They just see that certain jobs in the military can be rough and obviously you should be there for your SO.

For the other part, my SO says he doesn't see working in the military as higher up than other jobs. He just sees it as a job/career. I do think that having to go through basic and such gives you a higher expectancy of work ethic and to do things better than just someone who got a similar civilian job. But that isn't always the case.