Is it normal to fight all the time?

[Lauren408]

Hello,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating 2 years now, we were engaged but decided to call it off and take a break from each other for a month, but we're too crazy about each other and decided to start dating again. He decided to join the air force and not return to college (we both went to the same one for a year of our relationship) So now we're doing longish distance (3 hours) and try to see each other every other weekend until he leaves in a few months for basic. We are crazy about each other when we're with each other. We barely argue, it's all lovey dovey when we're near each other, but the past 4 months since going long distance have been miserable. We fight constantly, over stupid little things that shouldn't matter, I get annoyed with him and he gets angry at me and says things he doesn't mean and then I become hurt and resent him and it lasts for days.... it's exhausting and stressful for both of us. We have talked about just calling it quits but we both know that we love each other too much to leave each other... We talked last night about what we need to change to make this work. I just need to know if this bickering and constant arguing is normal for LDCs? And what can I do to keep him happy and stop us from arguing....?

[alittlemind]

Is it always the same things you are arguing about? When you argue, do things get resolved or do you both just give up and remain upset? I think these are the biggest things to focus on. In my opinion, fighting is okay as long as whatever you're fighting about gets resolved in the end. Maybe find a better strategy when you fight? Try out a few and find out the best that works for you. When someone gets upset, maybe take a 15 or 30 or however long you need of a break, and then come back when you are calm to talk about what it is that happened. Make sure to not use more of "I feel..." statements rather than always "You do this" or "You do that" statements. Relationships are not always easy, and sometimes communicating is rough, but when two people really want to be together, you have to work for it. Best of luck to you

[lyonsgirl]

How long were you engaged? When were you engaged?

I guess in my mind, if a couple calls off an engagement, they're done. But, I tend to have a pessimistic view of the world.

You may be all "lovey-dovey" as you say when you are together, but, honestly, I think that's because you don't get to see each other every day. The LD part of your relationship is "normal", and so you're "really you" when you're in that phase. So, if/when you do close the distance, I can see the arguments happening there too. Is that something you want?

[differentcountries]

It certainly is not nice to fight often. If you fight during the LD phase, it is even worse, because you can not make up with a silly sound or a hug or sex to take the stress off.

My SO and he has fought only once and then it was me who did most of it. I don't regret it, because it cleared up quite a few important things, but it also left us both feeling very hurt very quickly and now we have learned to ask a few more questions a bit earlier. I even question thing I am SURE I know the answer to, because; sometimes I am wrong. And I am not sure which times those are.

Even if we don't fight there are still sometimes strange silences or conversations that are uncomfortable. We have the added stress of being 5 hours away (in just flight time), English is neither mine nor his mother tounge and this is his first serious relationship. The problem, I think, is the lack of physical feedback that you otherwise get from looking into the other person's eyes, from touching them and so on. This means you will have to work extra hard to be generous towards the other and interpret what they say or do as positive. This is not easily done if you have low self esteem, have bad experiences from the past, is sick, have other worries and so on. I generally don't like to fight, but fighting LD is like fighting to a whole new level of possable misunderstanding and resentment. It is just bad form. Try not to do it, or if you have to fight, make "fighting rules" (our nr.1: never fight over Facebook!). Have you looked into Non-violent Communication (NVC)? .The book by Mark Rosenberg is very good. The NVC-centre even have special pamphlets for couples, I think one is called "Being me, loving you". NVC is really helpful for stating how you feel and asking for what you want, as well as listening to the human need behind whatever another person is saying.

[Lauren408]

We dated over a year before we distanced ourselves and we were great... We were engaged for about 3 months before we decided that we weren't ready.. we're only 19 and it was stressing us out too much.

[Kiyama]

Maybe you should give each other some space? Talk less for a little while?
I agree with lyonsgirl, the distance isn't what causes you to argue. Visits are great because it's not everyday life but more like a holiday. What you have when you are long distance is what's normal. It is not going to go away once you close the distance, it might even become more apparent. You should try and get to the root of the issues because the problems won't solve themselves just because you move to each other.
I remember thePiedPiper posted an interesting summary on communication from one of her lectures about Neil Gorman's horsemen of communication. Maybe you can still find it on the forums or google it. I found it really helpful. Good luck!