How to be supportive from all the way over here...

[stormy]

So just as I was feeling super down (due to what I am thinking is the time of year and the fact that since physically seeing one another for the first time in seven years, this is the first time we are apart for more than a month), my SO barely spoke to me today. Usually we are in contact on and off all day through texts and today it did not happen.
He finally sent a text saying that he was just not in a good place today but everything was OK between us.

So my question is, how can I be supportive when all I have are my words (this is besides sending him things which isn't a right now solution)? I am of course giving him whatever space he feels he needs after sharing some loving words with him, I just wonder what other people do in this situation to not feel inadequate as a partner.

Thanks everyone,
Stormy

[piratemama]

First, take a deep breath and realize that it's not usually as bad as it seems. The distance and the time of the year make us all super sensitive. Second, men process situations differently. I've been reading lots of articles about relationships and the difference in men and women, and I've observed much, too. In all that, I've come to understand that men don't talk through their problems like we do. If he has a decision to make with work or friends or car repairs, he will need time to think about it. If a man has had normal stress from work or finances or whatever, he needs time to get away and shut down. He wants to think about nothing in those times of zoning out from stress. A man can't really think about us and mushy-gushy stuff when overloaded from anything else. It's not personal. It's the way they are made. Women generally like to talk it out, so we expect our men to do the same. Of course, this is all general and doesn't apply the same to everybody.

I've noticed my SO will be quiet and seem distant sometimes, too. At first, I jumped to the conclusion it was me or it was a problem with our relationship. I've learned through time that he does that when he is thinking over something. It might not even have a thing to do with me. In a day or two, he's fine.

Also, realize your honey is hurting just like you with the distance between the two of you. He might not say it in the same way you do, but he feels it.

It is hard to be supportive with distance, but I do any and everything I can. I've tried most of the thinsg suggested from lovingfromadistance.com's article 101 ways. I have sent packages, sent emails, we Skype, I've written poems, we've played online games, etc. and on and on, but it's never enough. It won't be enough until you two can be together again. Accept it will hurt and will be hard, but it's worth it.

One of the best tips I got, though, from an online article I read once was to back off on too many text or email messages. I do believe guys love for us to send messages or call, but we can do it too much and smother them. It's in a guy's nature to need space (hence, the man cave idea), and it's in their nature to do the chasing. I started to send messages only to say something about loving him, wanting him, or desiring him. I would answer his, though, of course, and I cut the number of messages way down. I saved the details of my day for our phone and Skype calls, as this gave us something more to talk about. This seemed to work wonders. I don't know if that makes any difference with most, but I do think I was overloading my honey - he is definitely not a word person.

Just let your SO know you are there for him if he needs to talk and don't push. I'm sure he will bounce back soon. Hopefully the new year will be better for us all.

[differentcountries]

I too can feel it is never enough. I remind myself i am not superhuman. Of course i can not be all to him if i am not even there. The main thing is trying to connect. Sometimes my so's face lit up and i know i have hit gold. Other times it is less easy. I just let myself feel a bit sad about it. Its ok to not fix all.

[stormy]

First, take a deep breath and realize that it's not usually as bad as it seems. The distance and the time of the year make us all super sensitive. Second, men process situations differently. I've been reading lots of articles about relationships and the difference in men and women, and I've observed much, too. In all that, I've come to understand that men don't talk through their problems like we do. If he has a decision to make with work or friends or car repairs, he will need time to think about it. If a man has had normal stress from work or finances or whatever, he needs time to get away and shut down. He wants to think about nothing in those times of zoning out from stress. A man can't really think about us and mushy-gushy stuff when overloaded from anything else. It's not personal. It's the way they are made. Women generally like to talk it out, so we expect our men to do the same. Of course, this is all general and doesn't apply the same to everybody.

I've noticed my SO will be quiet and seem distant sometimes, too. At first, I jumped to the conclusion it was me or it was a problem with our relationship. I've learned through time that he does that when he is thinking over something. It might not even have a thing to do with me. In a day or two, he's fine.

Also, realize your honey is hurting just like you with the distance between the two of you. He might not say it in the same way you do, but he feels it.

It is hard to be supportive with distance, but I do any and everything I can. I've tried most of the thinsg suggested from lovingfromadistance.com's article 101 ways. I have sent packages, sent emails, we Skype, I've written poems, we've played online games, etc. and on and on, but it's never enough. It won't be enough until you two can be together again. Accept it will hurt and will be hard, but it's worth it.

One of the best tips I got, though, from an online article I read once was to back off on too many text or email messages. I do believe guys love for us to send messages or call, but we can do it too much and smother them. It's in a guy's nature to need space (hence, the man cave idea), and it's in their nature to do the chasing. I started to send messages only to say something about loving him, wanting him, or desiring him. I would answer his, though, of course, and I cut the number of messages way down. I saved the details of my day for our phone and Skype calls, as this gave us something more to talk about. This seemed to work wonders. I don't know if that makes any difference with most, but I do think I was overloading my honey - he is definitely not a word person.

Just let your SO know you are there for him if he needs to talk and don't push. I'm sure he will bounce back soon. Hopefully the new year will be better for us all.

Thanks for the reply!

[stormy]

I too can feel it is never enough. I remind myself i am not superhuman. Of course i can not be all to him if i am not even there. The main thing is trying to connect. Sometimes my so's face lit up and i know i have hit gold. Other times it is less easy. I just let myself feel a bit sad about it. Its ok to not fix all.

Yes, I do sometimes have a problem remember that it is ok that I cannot help with everything. It is also sometimes difficult to remember it is ok to be sad about things like that. He opened his Christmas present and although he is working today he has found time to call me. He's great even when he isn't feeling like it so much.
Miss him a lot today, trying to send little things here and there to share the holiday with him :-)